


Matters of the heart

by taj_mahal



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Medical Procedures, Sick Jensen Ackles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2018-12-05 12:43:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 75,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11578311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taj_mahal/pseuds/taj_mahal
Summary: A minor injury leads to a life altering situation for Jensen. Luckily his friends and family are there to see him through.





	1. An impossible situation

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my native language and I haven't posted anything longer than a one shot in a while.  
> All medical facts have been researched but I am no medical professional, so there may be mistakes or inaccuracies.  
> Reviews are grately appreciated.  
> *#*  
> This story is set before Jensen and his family moved from L.A. to Austin.

<><><><><>°O°<><><><><>

There was a kaleidoscope of sound and motion around her but it went mainly unnoticed. The nervous, frantic frenzy she had felt when she had first arrived at the E.R. and which had made her place phone-call after phone-call to anyone she could think of had drained away to nothing. She had been asking for help, advice, guidance or simply a word of comfort and had felt the need to inform anyone and everyone about what was going on just a little while ago. She had assured friends and family she would let them know what was going on as soon as she knew herself, had tried to calm people down even though she barely held it together herself and had been met with sympathy and concern. It was barely past eleven in the morning. She had been here for less than an hour. It felt a lot longer though. An agonizing eternity long... And she still hadn't heard anything yet. Not a single word. She hadn't seen a doctor or an even remotely helpful nurse. Nobody had answered her questions and nobody had come to talk to her, ask her anything or give her any information at all. 

She kept her eyes fixed on the hands of the clock, watching the seconds tick by as pictures of this mornings events, memories of that awful minutes in their bedroom bled together with the barely recognizable reality around her. She closed her eyes, willing the images to go away and took a deep breath to calm herself down. When she opened them again, the distinct feeling of having a very vivid hallucination born out of all the stress and anxiety took a hold of her. But then the mirage moved, smiled and realization dawned on her that she was not imagining things after all. 

„Jared?“

„Danneel, I came as soon as I heard... What the hell happened?“

„What... what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be... home? Texas? Gen? The boys?“

She was completely confused by the other man's presence and at the back of her head a nagging feeling of guilt surfaced. She had forgotten all about Jared. Within the myriad of people she had called, he hadn't even been on her mind for a second. One of her husband's best friends and she hadn't even considered calling him. She had no idea why but she was sorry about it none the less. If Jared was actually angry with her though, he didn't let it show. He seemed calm, composed, patient – everything she wasn't right at the moment. 

„I didn't leave until early this morning and had a stopover in LAX. Donna called me about half an hour ago, told me you and Jensen are here at the hospital. She said something about a heart attack... But that can't be right, can it? I mean... she... she must have gotten something mixed up there?“

„I... I don't know... I still can't understand what happened. One minute everything was fine and the next... I found him in bed, not moving, not breathing... Dear god...“ 

The rush of adrenaline and sheer terror had also made her travel the way from the waiting area to the nurses' station every couple of minutes asking for an update, for any news at all, which had – at first gently, later on more sternly – been denied every time. Finally they had told her to sit down and wait her turn – her coming up here to disturb the work-flow of the E.R. was not making them work any quicker or smoother. She had obeyed, all energy draining out of her, more falling than sitting back down and now she was just sitting here. Sitting and waiting as she had been told to do while the world around her seemed to dull to a foggy shadow of reality.

If anyone would ever ask her to give a definition for the words agonizing and eternity in the same sentence, this would be it. The whole morning was a blur to her and it wasn't even over yet. A look at the clock on the wall opposite of the uncomfortable seat she was sitting in told her that little more than another half hour had passed.

A sob she could no longer hold in broke free from her throat and Danneel rested her head in her hands, trying her hardest to hold the tears at bay. She felt so goddamn helpless and even though she knew she had to be strong for her own sake as well as Jensen's, she just couldn't keep her emotions in check. She heard the creaking of the hard plastic chair as Jared sat down next to her and she leaned into the warmth of his touch as he put a hand on her back right in between her shoulder blades. 

„It's going to be okay, Danneel. Jensen's gonna be okay. I'm sure of that.“

„Why?“

She hated how broken she sounded, how hopeless. But she couldn't help it. The last memory she had of Jensen was of him lifeless on the floor of their bedroom while the paramedics were in a swirly frenzy of motion all over him, trying to help him... She had stood there, stock still, unable to move, unable to ask any coherent question and had just stared at the nightmare unfolding right in front of her. How the hell was she supposed to have any positive feeling left after that? Jared next to her – having no clue what she had gone through – smiled a reassuring smile. 

„Because I know him. And so do you. He won't just give up on us...“

„I... I don't even know how he is. I don't know anything. They haven't told me anything. They wouldn't even let me ride in the ambulance with him. Told me it was against procedure in cases like this and that I needed to follow. I have no clue what that even means – cases like this? When I came here they wouldn't tell me anything either. Send me away, told me to wait here. That's all I heard. I have been sitting here, waiting for them to come talk to me, waiting for any news... It's been an hour...“

„I'm sure they'll come talk to you any minute.“

Danneel nodded but didn't believe a word she was hearing. She had no idea if this agonizing wait was normal, if it was supposed to take the doctors that long. She couldn't force herself to believe that it was a good thing though. If they had been able to help, she would have heard about it by now... and if they hadn't... She didn't even want to think about that one. Either way she was pretty sure that the longer it took, the more hopeless the whole thing was... 

They sat in silence, Jared's hand still on her back, rubbing small soothing circles that actually helped her to relax just a little. She was grateful he was here, there was no way denying it. But she felt just as guilty at the same time. He had a family to go home to, a family that was waiting for him. Of course she didn't want to be alone but she had friends making the drive and both their families would be on their way as soon as they had a chance. There was no reason for Jared to do this for her. Danneel drew in a shaky breath, trying her best to keep her voice even.

„You should get home, Jared. There's nothing you can do for Jensen... There's nothing either of us can do for him. Nothing...“

„I already talked to Gen and she's fine with me coming home late. I have nowhere else to be right now and Donna told me she and Alan wouldn't be able to make it before late tonight. I won't leave you alone with this. So if there's anything I can do, anything at all...“

Jared's words were cut short by the flurry of white appearing in the doorway to the waiting area as a doctor in scrubs and a coat entered the room. Danneel was on her feet so fast, that she had to fight off a dizzy spell that almost brought her back down to the chair. Jared's supporting hand at the small of her back was a big help in keeping her upright. The doctor approached her, stretching out a hand in greeting and plastering a fake smile on his face.

„Mrs. Ackles, I'm Dr. Hadley. I've been your husband's attending physician for the E.R. procedures.“

„How is he? Is he okay? Can I see him?“

There was a tiny twitch on his face that showed a shadow of annoyance and Danneel assumed the nurses had already informed him in a colorful collection of not very nice words that she had been a pain in the ass to them throughout the last hour. But the flicker passed and the smile stayed on his face, mixed with an expression of concern that seemed just as fake. Danneel couldn't help the thought that the man made a terrible actor. Then again that wasn't his job. His job was it to make her husband well again and she could only hope and pray he was way better at that than he was at comforting patient's relatives. 

„Not right now, I'm afraid. Your husband has been taken upstairs for emergency surgery. It took us a while to get him stabilized and his vitals well enough for the surgery to be performed... Maybe we should talk about his condition in a more private place?“

„No. No, that's okay. Jared's a family friend. I will tell him anyway. Just help us out here, please. I need to know what the hell happened this morning. What happened to my husband?“

Danneel was dimly aware that the doctor had probably referred to the fact that the waiting area was filled with other people – waiting for news on their loved once just as she was or sick people waiting for a doctor to see them and make them better. She really didn't care though. What she wanted wasn't privacy. She wanted to finally understand what had happened and wanted, needed to know how Jensen was. The doctor seemed uncomfortable with her decision for just a second but decided against objecting to it. He sat down instead, forcing her to do the same and lowered his voice to ensure they had at least a little privacy for this conversation. 

„As far as we can tell from the preliminary tests your husband suffered a severe myocardial infarction – a heart attack in less medical terms. The tests revealed a blood clot in one of the major coronary arteries causing a blockage that didn't allow for the blood to flow freely to his heart. We administered medication to restore the blood flow but that didn't help as much as we would have liked. However it dissolved the clot to a point that enabled us to stabilize his vital signs enough for the trip up to surgery.“ 

The doctor kept his explanation simple enough to follow it – no unnecessary medical jargon for which Danneel was grateful. She understood what they had done, were still doing to make Jensen better but she still couldn't comprehend how any of this had been able to happen in the first place. It was Jared though who asked that most important question before she herself even had a chance to form the words. 

„How could that have even happened? Jensen's in his Mid-thirties, he's healthy. He shouldn't have had any trouble with his heart at all. I just don't understand how any of this could have happened in the first place.“

„We can't be sure without asking him but we found a rather large and deep bruise on his left lower leg. It looks like some sort of blunt force trauma. I can only assume that the blood within the damaged tissue formed a clot that traveled up to his heart and caused the blockage.“

Danneel frowned and Jared went very, very still next to her all of a sudden. She dimly remembered Jensen telling her about a sore spot on his leg but she hadn't bothered to ask him about it any further. With the physical demands of the show, stuff like that happened. It had happened a dozen times before and it had never caused anything like this. Knowing the reasons didn't help her as she would have hoped though. It didn't bring her peace of mind. If anything it made matters worse. Still lost in that world of guilt and hurt, she barely heard Jared's next question over the blood rushing in her ears. 

„What will happen now? With the surgery I mean?“

„The surgeons will bypass the blockage and get the clot out. The surgery will take several hours. Dr. Mortimer is Mr. Ackles' attending surgeon. He will inform you two about the details of the surgery once it is done. You can go up to the fourth floor surgical waiting room if you want.“

„Wait a second. A bypass? That... that's the one where...“

Jared stopped himself mid-sentence when he saw the warning look on the emergency doctor's face. That look was enough to let Jared know that he was right. They were talking about open heart surgery here which meant that the surgical team would crack his best friend's chest open to get to the damaged artery to his heart. But Danneel didn't need to know about that, didn't need to hear about the procedure in detail. She was barely holding it together anyhow. Jared cleared his throat, looking for a more diplomatic way to voice his concerns. 

„It sounds massively invasive. There must have been safer options? Shouldn't you have at least asked for Danneel's permission?“

„We usually don't in cases of necessary emergency procedures. There just wasn't enough time for informed consent. The surgery was necessary and it really couldn't have waited even a minute longer. I do understand that you are both very worried but this was the only course of action available. The surgeon can tell you more about it.“

The sound of her own name had brought Danneel back to the reality around her at least to a degree that she could follow the conversation again. She still felt sick with worry but she finally had a chance for the answers she had been waiting for for that agonizing hour since she had arrived at the E.R. She wouldn't just let that chance go to waste. The pleading tone in her voice scared her but she would have been willing to do or say almost anything for a satisfying answer right now. 

„There must be something more you can tell us. What about his chances? Will Jensen be okay?“

„It really is too early to tell. With the partly restored blood flow during emergency procedures and the administration of oxygen throughout our treatment there is little risk of brain damage but of course we can't rule it out completely. And of course – as with every other surgery – this one has it's risks, during and after the procedure. As you already pointed out it is highly invasive and of course there's the risk of another cardiac incident and post operative complications. We really won't know about his full condition until he wakes up from surgery. As I already pointed out...“

„The surgeon can tell us more, yes I got that. When will that be?“

„Surgery usually takes about four to five hours. And it'll take at least another half day for the anesthetics to wear off. Dr. Mortimer will be able to give you a better estimate. If you'll excuse me...“

„Yes of course. Thank you Dr.“

Where Jared had been impatient just seconds before, Danneel tried to be diplomatic. She even managed a small smile as the doctor got up from the seat beside her and nodded his goodbyes. She was sure she wouldn't see him again. His work was done and even though she knew she wasn't, she felt completely alone. She could feel the hot sting of tears trying to work their way free and the thread of sanity she was clinging to like a lifeline slowly ripping to pieces. Jared's hand on her shoulder was like an anchor grounding her to reality. 

„What do you say, we get some coffee and maybe some food into you and then we'll go upstairs and wait for the surgeon to come talk to us?“

„I'm really not hungry...“

„Tough luck, I am. And I won't leave you alone. Okay?“

TBC


	2. Waiting

Danneel didn't even realize how hungry she was until Jared placed a plate with a sandwich in front of her. She had no idea what was on it – something undefined that was probably meat. Maybe ham or turkey but she didn't really care. The steaming hot cup of liquid he put down next to the plate was tea, she could tell by the color. It smelled minty and that wasn't really to her taste but it was warm and the feeling of the hot liquid running down her throat and settling in her stomach had a soothing effect on her. 

Jared had gotten coffee for himself. She could smell it. It had been a thoughtful gesture to provide her with something that wouldn't make her even more jumpy than she already was. She hadn't said a single syllable since they had left the E.R. waiting room. Jared had guided her to the hospital cafeteria, had gently pushed her down on a chair at one of the open tables and had gotten the food for them. It was nice of him but she couldn't really be grateful for it. She didn't want to be here. She wanted to be upstairs in that waiting room...

Actually she didn't want to be here at all. She wanted to be home – with Jensen. She wanted a late morning breakfast in bed with him. A whole day all alone, just the two of them while one of Danneel's friends took care of JJ. She wanted take out for lunch, a relaxing afternoon at home and dinner at a fancy restaurant, celebrating the fact that she had Jensen home with his family for more than a weekend. But instead she was here and he was somewhere in this goddamn hospital, unconscious, fighting for his life. She pushed back another sob, drowning it in the cup of tea and taking another sip of the hot liquid. Jared's voice made her jump. She had almost forgotten about him...

„You really should try the sandwich. It's good. And you look like you can use it. You're really pale.“

„I don't think the sandwich will help with that.“

„Can't hurt though.“

She sighed, not having the energy to argue with Jared and took a bite from the sandwich. For a hospital cafeteria it was good, better than she had expected and she really was hungry. She ate, the small smile spreading on Jared's face not going unnoticed. She truly hoped he wouldn't go back for dessert or something. She just wanted to be back upstairs, waiting for Dr. Mortimer to emerge from the operating room.

„I'm done. We should go.“

„It'll be at least another three hours before they are done, Danneel. Maybe you should have some more tea? Something sweet? They have pie...“

„Pie isn't going to help me! Neither is tea or coffee or another sandwich. What I need is for Jensen to be okay!“

She hadn't meant to get so loud and be so rude but she couldn't help it. The words seemed to stream out of her mouth like a dam had broken inside of her and she could feel tears trying to fight their way to the surface. She didn't even bother holding them back this time. She felt like crying, she felt like screaming and sobbing and collapsing in a heap. The feeling of helplessness was overwhelming and there was nothing she could do about it.

Jared was up, around the table and by her side sooner than she could comprehend and the next thing she knew she was pulled up against his chest, his arms wrapped around her and she was sobbing into his shirt, unable to contain her emotions any longer. He mumbled soft soothing words that she couldn't make out. It didn't matter anyhow. She needed this – a moment of weakness, somebody to just hold on to and for all the fear and the worry to find a way to drain out of her. 

She had no idea how long they had been standing together like this, had lost all sense of time. But gradually the tears were slowing down and her rapid breathing normalized to a more even rythm again. She felt drained and tired but it didn't hurt as much as it had done before. Gently she freed herself from the embrace and looked up at Jared who was wearing a sympathetic smile on his face. 

„Better?“

„A little. Doesn't help though. Crying won't make Jensen better.“

„But it helped you. You can't keep all of that bottled up inside. I have no idea what you're going through right now but I do know you're scared and worried and probably angry that all of this happened in the first place. It's exactly how I feel. Letting it all out will help both of you. You need to be strong for him, we both have to be. You can't do that when you feel all raw with emotion inside. Okay?“

He was right, she knew he was and she nodded in agreement. She was still scared, still felt helpless but it was a little easier to bare right now. And it was a lot easier to think about something else but the horror of the last hours. Which probably was the reason for her to realize that throughout all of this nightmarish time she hadn't once told Jared how grateful she was that he had come here to help... 

„Okay. Thank you, Jared... For everything, for coming here, for staying. I really appreciate it.“

„Don't mention it. Jensen would have done the same for Gen.“

A small smile appeared on Danneel's lips. Of course Jensen would have done that... There was barely anything these two didn't do together... or for each other. She took a deep breath and slid back into the chair, drinking the rest of her tea with one hand and drying the tears from her eyes with the back of the other. She should have been feeling just a tiny bit embarrassed about the whole scene she had caused but she really didn't. Actually she felt a lot calmer and more self assured right now. Enough for a coherent thought to find it's way to the surface. 

„Jared... where did that bruise come from? Jensen told me about it yesterday evening, told me it was still sore but he didn't tell me how it happened.“

Jared hid himself inside the coffee cup, taking a couple of slow sips and it wasn't hard to tell that he was feeling uneasy about Danneel's question. He was obviously looking for the right way, the right words to tell her the truth. She felt the nervous energy returning and had to force herself to stay calm and patient. Jared wouldn't lie to her – not in a situation like this.

„It was stupid really... It was a local non-profit and they asked us to be part of that charity soccer thing. They had their team and we played with a couple of guys from set. It was fun but halfway through Jensen got fouled pretty hard. He said it was okay but he dropped out of the game after that. I don't think he had anyone take a look at the bruise and obviously it was way worse than any of us had thought. If we had known...“

Jared seemed to feel truly guilty about the events that had caused Jensen's injury. Danneel didn't know why though. It had been for a good cause and Jared hadn't been the one to hurt Jensen. Even if it had been his fault – there hadn't been any way to know that something as awful as this would come of it. Danneel reached out a hand, touching Jared's gently.

„I don't blame you. You couldn't have known. It was just a bruise... I mean that's what I thought when he told me yesterday. Who could have known that something like this would happen because of it...“

„Still – I'm sorry.“

„Don't be. It doesn't help, you know.“

Danneel managed the ghost of a smile and Jared grinned a soft grin in return. She drank the rest of her tea that was slowly getting cold. A look at her watch told her that they had spent half an hour in the cafeteria. Once again it felt a lot longer. Time seemed to drag by. There was nothing she could do about that though and she just couldn't sit here having tea and eating sandwiches any longer. Even if the waiting area on the fourth floor meant more of that agonizing waiting time, the thought of being at least a little closer to Jensen helped her somehow.

„I'm done. Let's go.“

Jared didn't protest this time and they made their way to the fourth floor. The stopover at the nurses' station went anything but smooth. The woman sitting there was barely more than eighteen, probably still in training and so obviously not interested in the goings on around her, that it was unnerving. Danneel didn't even get a chance to ask her about the surgery, the girl cut her off before she even got a word out, pointing a lazy finger to the waiting area opposite of her station.

„Surgery is still ongoing. The doctor will come talk to you when they're done.“

Danneel didn't bother thanking the young nurse. She probably had forgotten all about her anyway as soon as she turned her back on the nurse. Jared next to her was mumbling under his breath, a distinctive unfriendly tone to his voice. Danneel kept her voice down. Even if the young woman didn't care much about them, she still didn't want her to hear. It was enough for one of them to be rude and Danneel really didn't have the strength for any kind of discussion right now. 

„Isn't she a ray of sunshine?“

„Maybe they told her about me already. I was kind of annoying down there in the E.R...“

„So what? You wanted to know about Jensen. Haven't they ever dealt with relatives before? They could at least try and be gentle with you.“

„I don't mind. I don't care if they're rude as long as they come back here with good news. They can yell them at me if they want to.“

They settled down in the chairs that were at least a tiny bit more comfortable than the ones down in the E.R. waiting room. Jared seemed restless to her all of a sudden. Maybe her own nervousness was rubbing off on him. She realized only when he started the conversation back up that it had been her choice of words that made Jared uncomfortable. He obviously felt she still wasn't hopeful enough about this whole nightmare of a situation, not expecting good news...

„The E.R. doctor said Jensen's chances were good...“

„He had a heart attack, Jared... They are in one of those rooms down the corridor, digging through his chest, trying to repair the damage done to his heart. He's not just going to wake up from that, smile, wave it off and walk out of here. This is serious.“

She hadn't meant to be this harsh but she hated the naivety that Jared displayed. He had an enormous amount of faith in Jensen and his ability to pull through. It wasn't like Danneel didn't have the same trust in her husband but she had been there when Jensen had stopped breathing, had been there when the paramedics had worked on stabilizing him in a frantic blur. She knew how bad the whole thing was. Once again she hadn't managed to anger her husband's friend though. Jared was still smiling – a small, sad smile though.

„I know it is. But this is Jensen we're talking about. He's still young, way too young for a heart attack anyway. He's healthy, he gets a lot of exercise - on the show and off it, he has his family, he has you, he has JJ. I mean he has everything to get better for. He won't just give it all up.“

„I know. But this is not about willpower alone. I mean they don't know how bad the damage is. They don't know anything until he wakes up. I just hope that the things waiting for him, the people - that's enough.“


	3. News

It was past midday now and Jared sat next to her with his chin on his chest snoring softly. He had fallen asleep about half an hour ago and Danneel just didn't have the heart to wake him again. She tried to calculate, did the math and realized that Jared must've been up and around since the early morning hours. No wonder he was tired. She was grateful for him being here but she really didn't want the company right now. Didn't want to talk to anybody. 

It was a good thing both her and Jensen's parents wouldn't be there until later on tonight. She couldn't deal with any questions right now. This never-ending wait was slowly driving her to the breaking point and she felt so raw with emotion that it actually hurt. Or maybe that was just from all the tension and heartache of the last couple of hours. Either way there was this persistent stabbing and throbbing in her temples that just didn't go away any more. She really wished for some aspirin right now but she didn't have any on her and she sure as hell wasn't going to ask the unfriendly girl at the nurse's station.

Footsteps out on the corridor made her tense up and then there was inaudible dialogue just outside the waiting room. She made out the voice of the young nurse and there was another, deeper, definitively male voice. It took all her strength not to jump from her seat and run out into the corridor. It had been almost four hours since she and Jared came up here. It had to be Dr. Mortimer out in the corridor. Jared's breath hitched next to her and brought her attention back to him for just a split second. She shook him none too gently and he snapped to awareness, a low groan escaping his lips. Obviously his sleeping arrangements were anything but comfortable.

„What? What is it?“

He took a split second to remember where he was but then Jared was fully aware of his surroundings. Danneel pointed a shaky hand towards the entrance of the waiting area and Dr. Mortimer didn't disappoint. At least she hoped the man in his Mid-forties with a set of surprisingly clean and unwrinkled green scrubs was the surgeon they both had been waiting for. His smile was gentle, warm and a lot more sincere than the one of the E.R. Doctor. He shook her hand just as gently but Danneel couldn't help the small flinch when she realized these exact same hands were inside Jensen's chest just minutes ago. 

„Mrs. Ackles, I'm Dr. Mortimer.“

„I... I know. They told us down in the E.R. This is Jared, he's a friend.“

The doctor gave a polite nod and focused his full attention back on Danneel not questioning or protesting the fact that Jared was here to stay. He sat down next to her and she was surprised when he reached out again, lightly touched the back of her hand and sympathy flooded his face. Danneel felt like somebody had reached into her chest and squeezed hard. He was too calm, too gentle, too caring. He was preparing her for bad news. She just knew it. He was going to tell her that...

„I understand that this is a very trying and difficult time, so let's cut to the point here. Considering the circumstances your husband's surgery went well. We were able to bypass the blockage and retrieve the blood clot. We successfully took him off the heart lung machine after the procedure and he's in recovery now. It will take a while for the anesthetics to wear off though. We will monitor him closely for any signs of post operative complications and once he wakes up he will be moved to the ICU.“

Danneel let out a breath she hadn't even realized she had been holding. Relief washed over her like a tidal wave. Dr. Mortimer had good news for her. Jensen was okay. The surgery went fine and they would be back to their normal lives in no time... Everything would be okay, it had to be. They both deserved for everything to be okay. A smile spread on her face and she didn't even realize it did. For the first time in hours, for the first time today at all, there was hope in her voice.

„So he's okay then? He'll be fine?“

„There's several test results we still wait for and of course we need to talk to him to make sure but as far as I can tell from what I saw during the surgery the tissue damage is not as extensive as we had first feared. But it's there. Once your husband has woken up we can determine the long term effects of the damage.“

Just as quickly as that spark of hope appeared, it was snuffed out again. Danneel's smile faded away and her emotions turned around completely, tears threatening to fall yet again. Dr. Mortimer meant well but she hated him for telling her the truth. All she wanted to hear was that everything would be okay again. But of course things just couldn't be easy for her and Jensen not even now, not even after everything they had gone through today. Jared next to her cleared his throat. He sounded troubled. 

„That sounds bad...“

„It doesn't have to be. The human body has a remarkable ability to heal itself. There might be barely any long term effects at all. But even in a worst case scenario – with the right diet, the right medication and a strict regime of physical therapy the effects of the tissue damage can be counteracted. There will be some necessary changes to the every day life but considering all circumstances Mr. Ackles was very lucky.“

Danneel hid back a sarcastic huff. Lucky was the very last word she would use to describe Jensen's current situation. Unfair, hopeless, scary – those were the adjectives she found a lot more fitting. She tensed in her chair, her hands balling up into fists. She knew it wasn't the surgeon's fault but she wished for someone to lay the blame on, someone to yell at, someone she could throw all her emotions at. Dr. Mortimer's careful tone made her feel even more uneasy.

„We shouldn't keep the focus on the long term prognosis right now though. There's no need to sugarcoat the facts. The surgery we had to perform was massively invasive and there's a few post operative risk factors that we need to monitor closely. Even if everything goes well and there are no complications, recovery will be slow. The surgical incisions will need quite a while to heal and they will be painful for some time. Pain management is a major issue throughout the first week or two and he won't be able to get out of bed and do much of anything for a while.“

„How long?“

„For a full recovery from the aftereffects of surgery? Two to three months. And as I said, it doesn't stop at that. You will have to make those changes I mentioned, regular check-ups will be necessary and of course the graft that we used to bypass the blockage won't hold out forever. We're talking very long term here but usually the grafts holds for about 10 to 15 years.“

Danneel felt dizzy all of a sudden. She had the very vivid sensation that the reality around her was crumbling away. She wasn't that far off after all. The life she had still lived yesterday had gone up in flames from one moment to the next. Dr. Mortimer might be trying to tell her it wasn't that bad but things wouldn't be the same for her and Jensen ever again. Things would have to change, their lives would have to change... And she was deeply afraid of what that meant for the both of them. Dr. Mortimer's gentle voice brought her back to the reality around her. 

„I know this is a lot to take in right now. The only advise I can give you is to keep focused on the present. Let's just focus on getting your husband through the initial recovery and we'll take everything else from there?“

Danneel forced herself to nod. It was good advise but she couldn't bring herself to really listen to the surgeon. It was easy for him to say the words but he had no idea what this actually meant for her and Jensen. How could he – all he did was operate on a patient. They were just one couple of many and she had no doubt he would have forgotten about them by the end of this week. She and Jensen however would never get a chance to forget what happened today. It would follow them for the rest of their lifes... She sat up straighter, forcing all the negative thoughts aside and doing as she has been told.

„Can I see him?“

„Yes of course. I can only take you one at a time though and only for a couple of minutes. Once he's settled into ICU you can visit on a more regular basis.“

Dr. Mortimer made an inviting gesture and Danneel got to her feet on shaky legs. Jared next to her smiled at her but Danneel couldn't bring herself to mirror the gesture. She felt sick and tired and scared. Above all she had no idea what to expect in that recovery room. Dr. Mortimer did his best to explain to her what had happened during the surgery, how long recovery would take and what changes they would have to make. But he hadn't told her anything about Jensen's condition right now.

„How... how is he right now?“

„He's still unconscious due to the narcotics we used for the surgery and as I said it will take several more hours for them to wear off. As long as he's still under the influence of those medications, we keep him on a respirator. It's nothing to be scared of. It's standard procedure for patient's in a medically induced sleep. We inserted tubes into the chest cavity to drain away residual blood and even though it might look painful neither of them are actually hurting your husband. They have been placed there to help the healing process and minimize the post operative risks. So don't worry about them.   
There's quite a few machines monitoring your husband's vital signs and he's on an IV drip as well as a broad spectrum antibiotic to keep the risk of infection at bay and a blood transfusion for the blood loss during surgery. The incision is covered by a bandage but as it has just been closed back up and the chest muscles are moving due to the respirator moving air into his lungs, there is still some bleeding. It's completely normal but it might look a little gruesome. There's really no need to worry about that though.  
I know it sounds bad and it's a scary thing to see a loved one like this but your husband isn't feeling a thing right now and he will be better in a little while. If you would like to wait until he's settled into the ICU...“

„No. I need to see him. Please...“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. Real life got in the way with a bit of a family emergency. I'll try to get back on schedule and will post the next chapter on Saturday.


	4. Unprepared

She was not prepared and no matter how much better Dr. Mortimer would have tried to explain Jensen's condition to her, she never would have been prepared for the sight unfolding in front of her when she entered the room Jensen had been placed in for the phase of recovery. Dr. Mortimer was in front of her and she couldn't see the hospital bed at first. But then the surgeon stopped, stepped aside and her breath caught in her throat.

She felt like she had been rooted to the spot, no breath going in or coming out of her body anymore. She couldn't force herself to take even one more step closer to the bed. This wasn't her husband. This pale, unmoving, broken shadow of a human being had nothing to do with the man she knew and loved. It took all her strength to hide back the sob lingering in the back of her throat and forcing her legs to move forward again. 

Her eyes focused on Jensen's face and that made it easier to deal with the situation at hand. There was no sign of pain or distress in his expression. He seemed relaxed, his eyes closed, his features pale and if it hadn't been for the clear plastic tube stuck in his mouth that sneaked up to the respirator and forced air into his lungs, she could have believed Jensen was simply sleeping. The rest of his body however left no doubt how bad his condition truly was right now.

Just as Dr. Mortimer had warned her before, there were wires and tubes and catheters seemingly all over his body and she just couldn't force herself to believe that all of this was actually good for him. Even if the surgeon had told her differently, this whole commotion of tubes, needles and machines had to be painful for Jensen... She could hear the whooshing of the respirator and the beeping of the heart monitor and the rushing of blood in her ears. 

She wanted to turn, wanted to run but she couldn't do it. Instead she took another step closer. It seemed to be some sort of morbid fascination that made her step up to the bed. The sounds of the medical equipment seemed louder now and her eyes fixed on her husband's chest. The mint colored blanket had been pulled up to his hips but they hadn't put a shirt on him. There was a bandage covering half of Jensen's chest instead. It was stark white on the edges, held in place by pieces of medical tape. Right in the middle however there was a long bright red stain of blood and even though she had been assured it was completely normal, she felt like screaming for help, for somebody to safe her husband from this gruesome, bleeding wound. 

But she didn't make a sound. Even her own breathing was inaudible over the whooshing of the respirator. She reached out a trembling hand, carefully, slowly, afraid to disturb any of the tubing or the machinery that monitored Jensen's condition. She reached for his lower arm, touched him and flinched away. 

„He's cold...“

„It's from the blood loss and because he's not yet in a proper gown or set of scrubs. It'll be better once he's settled into the ICU.“

She heard the scratching of metal on the linoleum floor and it sounded unbelievably loud in the eerie silence of the room. She couldn't take her eyes of Jensen to find out what Dr. Mortimer was doing though. It wasn't until she felt the cold metal of a chair leg in the hollow of her knees. The surgeon's voice was warm and soothing.

„Sit down, take a few minutes to stay with him. I will be right outside. Talk to him if you like. He's unconscious but there's no telling how much of the things going on around him he still registers. Hearing your voice will help him.“

Danneel dropped down on the offered chair, waiting for the click of the closing door that meant she and Jensen were alone. She leaned in closer, still very careful not to touch any of the catheters, tubes and wiring and rested her forehead on Jensen's lower arm. His skin still felt cool to the touch and smelled of antiseptic but being close to him like this still felt right. Her voice was barely more than a whisper.

„I don't know what to do, babe. I need you. I need you back. Please...“

There was no response but that was okay. It felt good to finally talk to Jensen even if he didn't hear her. It helped being here, however hard it was to see Jensen like this, because now she could watch him, hear him, touch him and she knew that he would be better. All the uncertainty of the last hours seemed to bleed out of her and left her with only one feeling – utter and complete exhaustion. She closed her eyes, enjoyed the warmth that was slowly coming back to Jensen's skin as she lay so close to him and imagined a different time and a different place.

„It's going to be okay, hon. We're gonna be okay...“

*-*

Jared had been pacing the length of the waiting room back and forth since Danneel had left with Dr. Mortimer. She hadn't even been gone five minutes but it felt a lot longer to him. He had heard what the surgeon had said about Jensen's current condition but he still wanted a chance to see his friend. He was surprised to find the doctor standing in the doorway to the waiting room on his next round through the room, holding a slip of paper in his hand. He was holding the piece of paper out to Jared. 

„Mrs. Ackles will be out again soon. I wanted to give you this. Pick the prescription up in the downstairs pharmacy for her, will you?“

„What is it?“

„It's a mild sedative. Seeing her husband like that... It was a lot more upsetting for her than I would have hoped. She should get some rest. I'll have the ICU on duty nurse call her as soon as Mr. Ackles is settled.“

Jared frowned at the surgeon. Danneel had been here since the morning hours, had waited and waited and now they wanted him to get Danneel to leave the hospital. He had barely managed to make her go to the cafeteria with him. Jared was pretty sure Danneel would fight him tooth and nail when it came to leaving this place. The surgeon however seemed to have a lot of faith in him.

„You want me to take her home?“

„It's for the best. It's been an exhausting day for her and there's nothing she can do for him right now. There's no need for her to sit in that uncomfortable waiting room chair for eight to ten more hours, slowly driving herself insane with waiting and feeling helpless. Get her home, get her to eat something, maybe sleep a few hours. It'll be a trying time for the both of them and she can use all the strength she can get.“

„You'll make sure that they call her as soon as there is any change?“

„Of course.“

„Then I'll try to get her home.“

Jared took the prescription that had been offered to him and the surgeon raised a hand in saying goodbye. A look down the corridor told Jared that he was still alone and Danneel was still with Jensen. He assumed they would send her back to him in a little while. Obviously he would have to still wait his turn before he would get a chance to see Jensen. But he had promised to be there for Danneel and that was exactly what he intended to do.

*-*

Danneel had been sitting with Jensen for what felt only like seconds when the door to the hospital room opened again. It had probably been a couple of minutes though, maybe even a quarter of an hour. She leaned back in her chair and looked up at a woman in her early Fifties wearing the same minty green scrubs as Dr. Mortimer. She smiled – a warm, gentle smile and her face was flooded with sympathy.

„Mrs. Ackles? I'm afraid it's time for you to leave. I need to take a look at your husband's vitals and change the bandages. There's no need for you to stay through that.“

Danneel didn't get up, couldn't bring herself to leave Jensen just yet but the soothing tone of the nurses' words made her feel like she could trust the other woman. She didn't know her, had met her for the very first time but she seemed to care and right now she needed someone who cared. She looked up at the older woman, her voice trembling softly.

„I just want him to wake up and look at me, talk to me. I need him to. I need to look into his eyes again. They're beautiful you know, more than you could possibly imagine...“

„What color?“

„Green. They're green.“

„Give him a couple of hours, dear. Then you can look at each other all you want.“

The nurse smiled at her again and Danneel managed to mirror the gesture. She felt safe around this woman though she had no idea why that was. Her gentleness made it easy to comply with her wishes and Danneel got up from her chair, gently squeezed Jensen's forearm and gave the nurse a grateful look.

„Thank you, Mrs. ...“

„It's nurse Backett, you can call me Margie though. Everyone does. We'll see a lot of each other anyway. I'll be one of the nurses on call in ICU. You go now, dear. Get some rest. We'll let you know as soon as the sedatives are wearing off.“

„You promise?“

„Of course dear.“

Danneel nodded and took one last look at her husband's unconscious form before she turned to leave. Before she opened the door to step outside though, she faced the nurse again, returning the favor of offering her a first name basis. 

„It's Danneel. And his name is Jensen.“


	5. Home

There had been no fight about the going home idea and Jared had to admit that it left him a little bit worried. Danneel had been pale when she had returned from seeing Jensen, her eyes watery and bloodshot and her composure barely held upright. She hadn't said a word to him, had simply nodded when he had asked her to allow him to take her home and had not protested when he had made a detour to the hospital pharmacy.

He was itching to ask her about Jensen - how he was, if the doctor's description really was as bad as the truth. But he didn't dare to disturb her. Danneel seemed deeply lost in thought and he feared the reaction he would get if he tried to snap her out of it. They had to take a cab to get back to Jensen's and Danneels home and about halfway through the ride, some color had returned to her face and she looked less shell shocked and a lot more alert to Jared. He debated asking her about Jensen now but didn't get a chance for it as Danneel pulled a cell phone from her jacket and started to dial.

It wasn't a hard guess who Danneel was calling right now. Maybe it was even helpful. Jared hadn't pushed her but he was sure she needed to talk to somebody about what she had seen in that hospital room. It had obviously been hard on her and as curious as he was, Jared wasn't sure he really wanted to know. Jared could only hear one side of the conversation that started of without a proper greeting and he was surprised at the way the conversation was progressing from there.

„He's okay. Hasn't woken up yet because of the drugs they gave him for the surgery.“

„Yes. I...I'm sorry. He had surgery for his heart and the doctor said it went fine. Jensen should be waking up some time tonight.“

„No. They sent me home, told me to get some rest.“

„Yes. They let me sit with him for a little while.“

„I'm fine, really I am. Just a little tired. Jared's with me, taking me home. Just call when you've arrived at the airport and I'll come pick you up...“

„No, it's okay. I can...“

„Okay. Okay. Sure I will. As soon as we hear anything.“

„I love you, too.“

Danneel ended the call and Jared could hear her sigh. He watched her close her eyes. She looked unbelievably tired to him. He could only assume what Donna had been saying but he imagined that she had asked after her son of course. And she had told her daughter-in-law that they were on their way. He was grateful for that fact. Danneel could need all the friendly faces and all the help she could get in this awful situation. He smiled at her when she opened her eyes again, trying not to pry and failing at it.

„Donna?“

„Yes.“

„Why... You didn't tell her about seeing Jensen.“

„I did tell her.“

There was defiance in her voice and Jared was sure that Danneel was aware it wasn't what he had meant. It wasn't about the facts, it was how she felt about seeing Jensen. It had obviously hurt her in ways Jared could hardly imagine. It wasn't his intention to put even more stress and hardship on her but he was here for her to rely on and talk to and so far she hadn't done that. She cut him out instead and didn't even give him a chance to talk to her about it.

„Yes, but...“

„I'm alright Jared. Or I will be. I will be once Jensen wakes up.“

The rest of the drive went by in silence and Jared didn't push Danneel any further. She seemed to visibly relax when the cab stopped in front of their house and all that was left now was utter exhaustion. Jared paid their driver and put a guiding hand on Danneel's back, gently pushing her towards the house. She didn't seem to have any energy left to do this on her own anymore. Jared felt it was a good thing Jensen's surgeon had given him the prescription for Danneel. She needed to rest but she probably wouldn't be able to do it on her own. She was too worked up about everything that had happened today.

The house was too quiet and everything in sight spoke all too clearly of the fact that Jensen and Danneel had spent a normal, casual evening after his friend had returned back home to his family. Nothing of that was left now... Danneel sat herself down in the living room, her breathing too heavy, her face too pale and her features lined with exhaustion. He didn't hesitate to pull the white paper back from his jacket pocket and took the bottle of pills from it, dropping it in Danneel's lap.

„Dr. Mortimer said you should take on of these, lie down and rest a little.“

Danneel took a long look at the bottle before picking it up but she didn't open it, looked up at Jared instead a humorless smile on her face.

„He wants to drug me to make me feel better?“

„He said it's a mild sedative. It should help you relax.“

„Maybe it's not such a bad idea. As long as it helps to get rid of this damn headache...“

Jared felt alarmed as soon as Danneel managed pain. It wasn't really surprising that she was feeling under the weather after everything she had been going through today but he still would have hoped for her to be okay. Apart from being exhausted, which was completely understandable, she didn't deserve any more trouble than she already had.

„Do you want something for that? Aspirin or something?“

„I'm not the one who's sick, Jared.“

„But you're just as involved. And you can't be strong for Jensen if you're strung out on a headache or too tired and exhausted to think straight.“

It took a moment but finally Danneel nodded, looking defeated. She didn't have the strength to fight Jared on the pills and she actually felt the need to sleep for a little while and gather her strength. Danneel carefully opened the bottle, shaking one of the pills into her hand and swallowing it dry. She put the bottle on the table next to the couch and pulled her legs up to lie down. Jared cleared his throat, making Danneel look up at him again.

„Don't you wanna go upstairs. It has to be more comfortable...“

„No! No... I... I can't. It's where I found him... I can't go up there and I can't sleep in that bed all alone. Not after what happened.“

Jared nodded, fully understanding Danneel's hesitation. He was feeling uncomfortable being in his friend's house without Jensen here. It had to be a hundred times harder for Danneel. Jared forced a smile and put a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently.

„Couch it is then.“

„Could... could you maybe go up there and get me some clothes? There's a pair of blue jogging pants in the upper drawer of the dresser right of the bed and a shirt on top of the other one on the left side.“

Jared swallowed down the lump in his throat. He didn't want to go upstairs into his friends' bedroom. It felt like an intrusion he had no right to but he couldn't very well deny Danneel because she had just told him she didn't have the strength to go upstairs by herself. He was her friend just as much as Jensen's and he was needed right now. Even if he didn't feel okay about it, he still smiled.

„I'll get them. You stay here and rest. Do you need a blanket or anything?“

„No. I have one in the cupboard. Pillows too. Just get the clothes and I'll be fine.“

Jared left Danneel in the living room and made his way upstairs slowly. He was not sure what he expected the room to look like. Probably something horrific like in those dramatic TV shows when the paramedics burst into a room to safe somebody's life and left a mess of plastic tubing, gauze pads and bloody bandages on the floor. There was no blood of course because Jensen's injury was an internal one but there wasn't much evidence of anything bad happening in the room at all when he entered it. The only disturbance Jared could make out was the blanket that has been pulled from the bed, probably as the paramedics got Jensen from the bed to the floor to have more space to work on him... 

He reached for the fallen piece of fabric and gently put it back down on the bed. The room looked just like it should. It was nice and cozy and it was just fitting for the couple that lived here, so much that it was actually painful to look at it. Jared had never been up here before. It was an invasion of personal space and even though Danneel had asked him to come up here, he still felt bad about it. Jared hurried to pick up the clothes Danneel asked him for, not letting any further thoughts cloud his judgement. The pants he picked up were Danneels, Jared could tell by the size of them, but when he picked up the shirt after moving across the room to the other side of the bed, he could immediately tell that it was Jensen's. He could understand the urge Danneel had there – having something, anything of her husband close to her. Jared swallowed another lump that formed in his throat. He hoped and prayed – not for the first time today – for Jensen to just be okay.

When he returned back to the living room, Danneel had gotten the pillow and blanket and was back on the couch again. Jared handed her the clothes and felt uncomfortable watching Danneel pull Jensen's shirt close to her face, taking a deep breath. Her voice sounded hoarse now and he could tell she was on the verge of crying.

„He put this on last night. He had just come home, had taken a shower and I had put JJ into bed. We were right here on this couch. We had wine and take-out pizza and we watched a movie. I can't even remember which one... Everything was fine... It was all fine. Why couldn't it just stay this way?“

„I don't know, Danneel. I'm so sorry...“

Jared wasn't even sure that Danneel heard him. She seemed lost in a memory of a better time. A time that wasn't even past for a day. It was hard to understand that her and Jensen's life had changed so drastically in less then 24 hours. Jared watched her, feeling deeply uneasy about that haunted look in her eyes. Her words took a moment to filter through and he tried his best to keep his voice even and sympathetic.

„It smells of him...“

„Of course it does.“

„There was only the smell of antiseptic in the hospital, Jared. He's so still, so pale, so... I was so unbelievably hard to see him like this in that hospital room...“

Tears were shining in her eyes and Jared was by her side, putting both his hands on her shoulders again, smiling a sad smile at her. He wanted to know, had been curious to find out about her visit to Jensen and what she had felt about it. Now that Danneel was actually talking about it, he wasn't sure he still wanted to hear anything else about it. Still the only thing he could do right now was to be supportive.

„He's been through hell today. Of course it's hard to see him like this. But it's just now. He'll be fine, Danneel.“

She nodded but Jared could see that she wasn't convinced. She didn't have the energy to argue though and he could see it in the drooping of her eyelids that the medication Dr. Mortimer had prescribed for her were taking a hold of her. Her voice was calmer now, slower and barely audible any more. 

„I'm tired...“

„Sleep, Danneel. You need it. I'll watch out for you. I'll be here.“

„Thank you, Jared. For everything.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There probably won't be another chapter for the next three weeks as I have visitors, birthdays and holidays all in a row.  
> I'll try to squeeze in an update, if I have the time.


	6. Calling home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay - as I said, had a couple of busy weekends. The new chapter isn't proofread. Sorry for any mistakes.

\- Late evening of the same day -

Nurse Margery Backett prided herself to be a very emphatic and sensitive person without ever getting too attached to the people in her care. Years and years of experience had taught her it was the only human, efficient and sane way of dealing with her job. Sometimes there were exceptions though, sometimes she had a hard time being professional and objective and seeing what she was doing as nothing more than the job it was.

There had been a girl injured severely in a house fire about six years back, burns on 60 percent of her body, both parents dead and nobody else to take care of her. The other one was even longer ago - a 19 years old volunteer for doctors without borders that had been flown in from an African village where he had been infected with the same disease he had been trying to fight.

Both of them had left her with the profound feeling of watching innocence slip away and of the unfairness of what was happening to them. Both patients had died and that had been really hard on her. She truly hoped it wasn't a pattern because she knew deep down that this was another patient, another family she just couldn't stay detached from. The man in her care was too young for the illness he was suffering from, he had a caring wife, a baby daughter – which she knew from the patient file – and a lot of really bad luck. 

She had seen the bruise on his leg while she had taken care of settling him into recovery. It was large, a deep angry purple color but it certainly didn't look like a major injury. However it had caused disastrous consequences for the young man and his family. She knew she was too close to the situation at hand but she couldn't help it. She didn't want to be indifferent because that would have meant she wasn't herself any more. And maybe that was why she checked on her patient more often than necessary.

She was supposed to check in on him every half hour, that was what procedure demanded of her. However she found herself passing by the room – returning her coffee cup to the small staff kitchen - early and decided it couldn't hurt to give his vitals another once over. The uneasy feeling was instant as soon as she entered the room. She could hear it in the beeping of the monitoring equipment and could see it in the tension of his features that something was off. Years of training and experience as an ICU nurse told her not to take those facts lightly.

Her first thought was one of post operative complications. But there was barely any residual bleeding from the chest incisions since she had last changed the bandages and a quick check with the thermometer told her there was no fever either. Jensen's restlessness actually wasn't a bad sign after all, she realized while thoroughly checking every read out on the monitors and writing it down in the patient file. It was time to call in Dr. Mortimer. She put the clipboard away, gave her patient's shoulder a soft squeeze, muttering more to herself than to him before she left to page the surgeon.

„You hang in there, dear. We'll be taking good care of you.“

Margie didn't like leaving her patient alone but there was nothing more she could do for him right now. It was up to Dr. Mortimer to make any decisions regarding patient care. She was the one to follow doctor's orders. However she knew he appreciated the input. She was an experienced nurse and he relied on staff just as much as he relied on his own knowledge and skills. That was probably why it didn't even take ten minutes for him to answer her page and show up at the nurse's station in recovery.

„Margie, what is it? Has there been any change in Mr. Ackles' condition. Is he worse?“

„No. Actually I think he's better. I just checked in on him. His heartbeat and BP are picking up and he's pretty restless in there. I think he's waking up.“

„That would be two hours ahead of schedule. Seems highly unlikely to me.“

He didn't sound condescending but she was still irritated that he didn't believe her assessment of the situation. It had been a long shift for both of them and she knew the surgeon was tired and probably not in the best of moods but she still couldn't help the slightly snarky tone in her voice. Another sure sign that she was way too attached to her new patient already. She wanted Dr. Mortimer to care just as much as her.

„You can go in there and check if you want. I know it's too soon but I don't want him to wake up with a tube shoved down his throat, a freshly sewn up chest wound sending waves of pain through his body and not even a single familiar face in sight to calm him down. Maybe it's early but it doesn't hurt to check.“

She expected anything from a surprised look to a fight to a very clear, very harsh comment that she had no right to talk to him like this. But Dr. Mortimer didn't do any of that. Instead he nodded, a tired expression on his face, and left for the recovery room to check on Jensen without another word. Margie followed him, watched him check the same monitors again and forced a neutral expression on her face when she saw the surprise in Dr. Mortimer's eyes.

„You're right, Margie. He's fighting his way back into consciousness. It's too soon but that's what it is.“

„It's a good sign, Dr. Mortimer.“

„I'm aware of that. Still... Well, alright then. His vitals are strong enough. I'll take him off the ventilator now. I want you to place another catheter for the morphine drip. Keep a close eye on his O2 sats once we have taken him off the ventilator. Anything below 90 and we will have to intubate again. With the morphine in his system, I don't want to risk respiratory failure. That's the last thing he needs right now.“

Margie nodded in agreement and busied herself at one of the cupboards in the room containing further medical equipment. She picked up a cotton swap dipped in alcohol and a sterile package containing the catheter she needed while Dr. Mortimer stepped to the head of the bed and gently removed the surgical tape that kept the breathing tube in place. Margie was cleaning the back of her patient's hand to insert the IV line when she felt the tension in Jensen's muscles as he reflexively fought against the sudden pull in his throat even though he was still unconscious. Margie could hear the raspy gagging sound as Dr. Mortimer gently pulled the tube from Jensen's throat.

They both kept a wary eye on the stats on the monitoring equipment waiting for the O2 sats to settle while Jensen's ragged and low breathing started to even out. The stats held and Margie slipped the catheter into the vein while Dr. Mortimer replaced the breathing tube with a nasal canula to provide some form of relief for the healing chest wound that made it so hard for Jensen to take a breath deep enough. She looked up, looking at the bag of deep red blood that only had a third of it's content left.

„Do you want another transfusion?“

Dr. Mortimer followed her gaze, checked the vitals again and stepped around the bed. There were two clear plastic tubes snaking out from under the bandage covering the surgical incisions. They had been inserted into the chest cavity to drain away any fluids left from the surgery. It was standard procedure with this kind of surgery. Margie watched him taking a look at the bags catching the fluid while she was still busy setting up the drip of painkillers. Dr. Mortimer seemed pleased with the result, shaking his head at the nurse in answer to her question.

„No, I don't think that's necessary. The blood left in the chest cavity seems to have drained. It's mostly lymphatic fluids, maybe a little ichor. It's far better than I would have expected. Let this one run through and change the catheter afterwards. He should be on nutritions for a while. Please keep the IV saline going as well. And keep a close eye on his BP. He might be waking up but he's not out of the woods yet.“

Margie was very well aware of that fact. She had seen a lot of patients throughout the years and if she had learned one thing it was that surgery – any kind of surgery – was always a massive strain on the human body. She planned on being extra careful with Jensen. She felt he deserved that. She looked at him, really looked, taking in the paleness of his skin, the drawn lines on his face and she knew it was time to get those painkillers into him. But there was one more thing she needed to ask Dr. Mortimer about first. 

„What about his family?“

„I'd like to keep him sedated for the trip to ICU. He doesn't need any additional stress on his system right now. Take propofol, it wears off rather easily. As soon as he's settled, you can call his wife.“

*+*

„Any news?“

Jared had settled down at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee from a mug he had once brought back from Europe as a gift for Jensen and with a view on last nights glasses, dishes and empty wine bottle still in the kitchen sink, telling him all too clearly that everything in his friends' lifes had still been alright just a day ago. He had called Gen, had wanted to hear the voice of his wife and she didn't even bother with any platitudes. Jared was grateful for that. He didn't have any energy left for more than the cold hard facts. No energy for pleasantries. He caught himself shaking his head in answer to Gen's question and needed a moment to think better of himself and give her an answer that was actually usable over the phone.

„No, not yet. Danneel went to see Jensen but he was still unconscious and it really shook her up. I took her home, got her to take some pills the doctor prescribed for her to relax and had her settle down in the living room. She fell asleep a couple of hours ago and now were just waiting for the hospital to call.“

„Is there anything I can do?“

„This actually helps a lot. Hearing your voice... I was going to ask this massive favor from you...“

Jared stopped mid sentence, trying to find the right words to say. They were on hiatus now, it was their free time and he had a family in Texas to get home to. But this was serious and it was important for him to be here. His friends needed him here and he needed Gen to understand. There was no need to even ask her though and Jared was grateful for the soft, understanding tone in his wife's voice.

„You want to stay.“

„If that's okay with you. At least until Jensen's awake and I had a chance to see him. I just need to know that he's alright.“

„Of course it's okay, hon. Stay as long as you need to and keep us updated back here, okay. Tell Danneel I think of them and I pray for both of them to be okay.“

Jared was about to thank Gen for her concern and understanding when he heard another cell phone ring. It was Danneel's and a quick look at his watch told him that it was way too early for the hospital to call. A cold, hard knot formed in his stomach that immediately caused a painful spasm. This couldn't be a good sign. He quickly got up, glanced from the kitchen door into the living room and realized that the ringing had not woken Danneel from her drug induced slumber yet.

„Gen, I have to call you back. Danneel has a phone call and she's still sleeping. I think it's the hospital.“

„Okay. Keep me in the loop.“

„I will.“

Jared hurried to put his phone away, crossed the kitchen, went into the living room and picked up Danneel's cell phone from the table. Even now that he picked up the phone and answered the call in a low voice, Danneel hadn't stirred. Obviously the drugs Dr. Mortimer had prescribed had done a little more than to relax her. She was deeply asleep. But Jared would deal with that later. Now this phone call was all that was important to him.

„Hello?“

„This is nurse Backett, I'm calling for Mrs. Ackles.“

„She's asleep right now. I'm a family friend. Is this about Jensen? Is he okay?“

„I'm sorry...“

Jared could hear the sincerity in the woman's apology and he knew what she was about to say. She was about to exclude him from the information she had because he wasn't family. He knew it was procedure but that didn't help the anger he felt about it. He was just as involved as Danneel and all he wanted was the truth and a feeling of certainty about his friend's condition. He tried to stay calm though. Being angry with the nurse surely wouldn't make things easier.

„I was with her at the hospital. I know about the heart attack and the bypass operation. Jensen is my friend and so is his wife. Please just tell me. Has anything bad happened to him?“

„No. It's nothing bad that happened. It's a good thing actually. The narcotics are wearing off and we're taking Jensen to ICU. He'll be waking up within the next hour. His family can come see him now.“

„That... that's great news. I'll try to get her up. We'll be there as soon as we can.“

Jared couldn't even describe the relief he felt at the good news. He had truly expected some sort of complication, some form of bad news. He was overjoyed with the news that much that he forgot to be even remotely polite and say goodbye to the nurse before he hung up. Seconds later he was on the couch next to Danneel, shaking her shoulder none too gently to get her to wake up from the drugs she had taken. He kept his voice soft though and that helped to coax her back into consciousness.

„Danneel, wake up.“

„What's wrong? What happened?“

„The hospital called back. Jensen is waking up. We can go see him now.“


	7. Awake

The return to consciousness was slow and it happened to him in stages. First there were sounds – muffled and far away like he was listening to them through a wall of water. The seconds ticked by into minutes and the sounds gradually started getting clearer – hushed voices, squeaky steps on polished floors, the rustling of fabric and a persistent beeping that seemed to pick up the longer he listened to it. 

The next sensation to make a reappearance was that of touch. The fabric of the sheets he lay on and under was soft but it was not his own. That was almost all he felt. There was a slightly uncomfortable feeling of pressure to his rib cage but it didn't hurt. The overall feeling was one of floating. It felt like being submerged in a tub of warm water and it was a nice thing. Even though he felt disconnected from his body, he didn't really care. 

Next there was memory returning to him and that one was not so nice after all. It came in a flash, like a crashing wave and Jensen remembered. The first thing that came to his mind was waking up in his bed at home with a searing pain spreading through his chest. He remembered the feeling of intense pressure on his rib cage, the inability to take a liberating breath, the dizziness slowly driving him to the edge of consciousness and his desperate attempt to call for Danneel, for help. He was not in his bed right now – that much he knew. Wherever this place was, it wasn't familiar and that had him worried all of a sudden.

It all happened too fast from here on. Awareness came back to him in a rush and he was fully aware of his surroundings in one sudden frantic gasp. The floating feeling receded and the deep breath of air he gulped in hurt like hell. He tried to move, tried to sit up, tried to force his uncooperative eyelids to move open to get a look at the room he was in. He managed to blink and shut his eyes against the sudden light all around him. A moan escaped his lips and he was scared by how weak and raspy he sounded. His throat was dry and itchy like he had spent a day in the scorching hot sun of some sandy desert.

Soft but firm hands pressed down gently on his shoulders, held him down and stopped him from moving around. It didn't feel as restrictive as it should have and that was probably because of the soft voice that was accompanied by the steady grip that was being kept on him. It was a female voice but it didn't belong to anyone he knew. She sounded nice though, reminded him a little of his mother and Jensen desperately wanted to get the face belonging to the disembodied voice into focus.

„Easy there, dear. Just relax. You're alright. We're here to help. I'm Margie, your nurse. You're in the hospital, dear. You had to have surgery. You're doing better now and I already called your family. They're on their way to see you. Just try to take steady breaths and if you can, I need you to open those eyes for me. Your wife told me they're green. Will you let me have a look at them?“

The words were friendly and heartwarming and all Jensen wanted was to do as he was told. He tried his hardest to open his eyes but it was unbelievably hard. It was like his body had turned to led all of a sudden and he couldn't get his eyelids to cooperate. He tried to focus, tried to force himself with sheer willpower to do as he needed to. He managed to blink and the soft disembodied voice was there again, coaxing him back into reality.

„That's it, dear. You're doing great.“

It took another few tries and it was still unbelievably hard but Jensen finally managed to force his body to work alongside with him and keep his eyes open for at least a second or two. He blinked, blinked again but couldn't get the vague shape in front of him into focus. He could tell by the voice that it was a woman and he could tell by the shape that she was shorter than him and had a rather petite figure. Any other details were still lost on him though and what little light filled the room already hurt his eyes again. There was a smile on the nurse's face but it was just as lost on him.

„There's those beautiful set of greens your wife was talking about. Nice to see you, dear. I'm sure you have a lot of questions and they'll all be answered as soon as your doctor is here. I already called him in.“

„Thirsty...“

Jensen closed his eyes again, tried a deep breath and opened them again. This time it was easier. The room was slowly coming into focus. He could hear the nurse busying herself with doing something right out of his field of vision while she still kept one hand loosely on his shoulder. Jensen understood the gesture though. The nurse didn't want him to move, not even to satisfy his curiosity. He didn't have to wait for long though. She returned to his line of vision – an outline of a face with a sympathetic smile on it coming into focus - a plastic cup in her hands and a set of gloves on. She reached into the cup with a plastic spoon and produced a few ice chips from it. Jensen frowned. He had expected a glass of water rather than this but he still reacted on instinct when the nurse approached.

The chips of ice melted on his tongue and send waves of pleasure through him. The cool water ran down his throat, cooling it off, soothing the raw feeling and helping against the itch that had threatened to make him cough. The chips melted way too quickly and Jensen opened his mouth again without thinking. He could hear the nurse chuckle as she pushed another spoon full of ice chips into his mouth.

„Careful, dear. Go easy on the ice, we don't want it to come back up again.“

Margie put the cup aside and Jensen didn't have the strength to hide back a moan of displeasure. The ice chips, the feeling of cold water in his mouth, had helped but only just a little. He wanted more, wanted that raspy feeling in his throat to go away but he had no strength whatsoever to keep the nurse from taking the cup away from him. He could only try to make her understand but he wouldn't even manage a full sentence.

„Thirsty...“

„I know, dear. You can have more once you're a little more alert, okay? You've just woken up and the sedatives are still wearing off. I don't want you to choke, okay?“

„'Kay.“

He wasn't really okay with the idea but he didn't have the energy to argue with the woman. And she was a nurse, she was supposed to know what was right for him. It didn't help with the parched, raspy feeling in his throat that made him yearn for another spoon full of ice. The thought of the woman being a nurse lingered somehow. Jensen blinked again and finally managed to get the woman's face into focus. She was in her Fifties, with a warm expression on her face, brown eyes, graying hair and a set of minty green scrubs. It had taken a while but the nurses words finally registered and Jensen realized where he was.

„Hospital?“

„Yes, dear. As I said, you had to have surgery and you're just waking up from that now. Your physician is Dr. Mortimer and he'll be in shortly. He'll tell you all about it. Bottom line is – you're going to be fine.“

„How long?“

„You've been here since this morning.“

Jensen tried his best to give the room a quick sweep and check his surroundings. He could see monitors, a curtained off window and the nurse. All of it was almost as clear as he was supposed to now but she was the only other person in the room except for him. It scared him a little. He knew there hadn't been an accident because he remembered waking up in his bed in a lot of pain. But still he had expected his wife to be here. Somewhere in the back of his mind there was a thought tugging at him. Maybe the nurse had already told him? But he couldn't remember...

„Danneel?“

„I already called. She's on her way, dear. She'll be here any minute.“

„Why?“

„We send her home, dear. She had a very bad day, I'm sure you can imagine. She needed some rest.“

A wave of guilt washed over him now as Jensen thought about Danneel and how this whole day must have been for her. He couldn't even imagine what she must have been going through. She was probably the one who found him after the excruciating pain had claimed his consciousness this morning and it must have been one hell of a ride for her ever since than. Worry tied his stomach into knots and he tried to look to the nurse for reassurance.

„She okay?“

„She's fine, dear. She'll be here soon. Just try to get some more rest, okay?“

„'Kay...“

His mind didn't want him to, wanted to force him to disobey, keep his eyes open and fight through the sluggish feeling in his brain. But his body was screaming at him to just close his eyes, do as he was told and give in to the sweet nothingness that was lingering at the edges of his conscious thinking. It wasn't a hard battle or a long one. He was asleep again so quickly, he didn't even see the content smile spreading on the nurses face.

*#*#*

The next time his return to consciousness was not as bumpy and slow as the last time. And there was another change as well, one he realized as soon as he blinked his eyes open again against the still hurting light of the hospital room. There was a female voice again, another one this time and one that he could place immediately. Jensen put all his effort into opening his eyes and he was rewarded with the rather pale and exhausted face of his wife. She had her eyes half closed, her head tilted to the side and – as he just now realized – her warm hand on his forearm. 

He tried to reach for her hand but hardly managed to even lift more than his fingers. But it seemed she felt the movement of his muscles anyhow because Danneels eyes snapped open from one second to the other and a wide, happy, relieved smile spread on her face as soon as she realized Jensen was awake. She moved in closer, her face lit up by her smile and only inches away from his now. Her voice was barely more than a whisper like she was afraid speaking too loudly would somehow hurt him.

„Hey, babe. I'm here. We're all here. Jared and your parents are waiting outside. They don't want you to see too many people at a time.“

„So sorry.“

„You don't have to be sorry, babe. None of this was your fault. I'm just so happy and glad that you're okay. You'll be okay now...“

It sounded like a mantra she must have been telling herself throughout the whole of the day ever since he had woken up in pain this morning. She didn't sound very much convinced though and that scared him even more than that tired look on her face. He tried in vain to reach up to her face but his body just wouldn't cooperate. He managed a smile instead. He felt a lot more alert and awake now but he still couldn't manage to sit up. What he could do though, was to concentrate a whole lot better. He could talk to Danneel, ask her about today, find out what had been going on.

„What happened?“

„Didn't the doctor talk to you yet?“

Jensen managed to shake his head no but he felt dizzy after doing so. That goddamn weakness that kept him pinned to the bed, left him unable to do even the simplest things. It scared him and it was utterly frustrating but the nurse had told him he was still coming down from the narcotics and the soft tugging on his forearms and the clear plastic tubes sneaking away from there told him all too clearly that he was on a lot of different medications. It probably explained the feeling of weakness just as much.

He had no idea how much time had passed since he had first woken and had been speaking to the kind nurse. He barely remembered the conversation, only bits and pieces of it left in his memory. She had told him Danneel was coming and she had told him that his doctor was on his way as well. He probably hadn't been asleep for too long if the physician hadn't made his way to his room yet. But he didn't want to wait for the doctor for answers. He needed to know, needed to understand what had happened to him and why.

„On his way. Tell me. Please?“

„It was because of that bruise you have...“

Jensen frowned at her and needed a long moment to realize what his wife was trying to do. Danneel was staling. Apart from that her answer didn't make any sense to him. The bruise she was talking about had been bothering him and it certainly hadn't been an experience he had enjoyed – neither getting it nor having it. But it had only been a bruise, the result of a stupid little accident. There was no reason it explained why he was lying in a hospital bed barely able to move now. The frown on his face made his wife nervous, he could tell by her body language. She seemed way too anxious even for the impossible situation they were in.

„I had surgery because of the bruise on my leg?“

„Sort of. It... the doctor can explain it better than I can.“


	8. A new reality

Dr. Mortimer chose this exact moment to enter the hospital room and interrupted the couple's conversation, both of them looking up at him as he stepped closer to his patients bed. Danneel managed a tired smile but that was all the pleasantries she had energy for. The few hours of sleep she had gotten at home had done little to help her feeling of exhaustion. 

Jensen's reaction wasn't much different for all the same reasons. He still felt out of it but still he was curious about the new face. The doctor approached the bed and reached for his hand, squeezing it gently in greeting. Jensen had to admit he was thankful for the gesture. Any kind of movement was still difficult and taking a lot more energy out of him than it should have. The doctor gave him a smile, radiating professionalism.

„Mr. Ackles, I'm Dr. Mortimer, your surgeon.“

„Yeah, they told me I had surgery. But nobody here wants to tell me what for.“

Jensen gave Danneel a quick glance and had to hide back a small smile seeing the look on her face. At least she had the decency to be embarrassed about her silence. It wasn't really something to smile about though, given the situation. All she had done was to shield him from an unpleasant truth, Jensen was sure of that. Dr. Mortimer didn't have any trouble being open and direct with Jensen though – that was his job after all. Hearing the doctors answer now, Jensen wasn't sure if he would rather not have known the truth after all.

„You had a myocardial infarction. A heart attack.“

„Wha... What? But... No. That can't be right. I'm 36 years old!“

The doctor had no reason to lie, Jensen knew that. It didn't help the feeling of complete ridicule though. It felt to him like he had just heard a very bad joke and he was the center of it, the punch line. He could understand why Danneel hadn't wanted to tell him anything about this. He was young, he was healthy, he had done nothing that could have caused something like this. The reassuring smile on his surgeon's face did little to nothing to soothe his feeling of utter helplessness.

„I assure you it had nothing to do with your age, general health or lifestyle. It was a very unfortunate coincidence. The bruise on your leg and the flight back home from Vancouver caused a blood clot that traveled from your leg to your heart where it blocked a major artery and caused the heart attack. It was pretty massive I'm afraid and it needed major surgery.“

„How major?“

„We had to bypass the blocked artery to restore blood flow. You had open heart surgery for that.“

„Whoa...“

It certainly wasn't a very sophisticated reaction but Jensen's mind felt like it had been wiped clean completely. He couldn't even imagine what the doctors had done to him in order to save his life. He absent mindedly raised a hand to touch the bandage on his chest. Or at least he tried to. Danneel caught his hand, which was still clumsily struggling against the damn weakness in his muscles, mid motion and intertwined her fingers with his. He wasn't sure he actually wanted to know what was beneath the hospital gown and the stark white bandage on his chest. But he couldn't just not ask about it either.

„Is... that what the morphine's for? What did you do exactly?“

„I'm afraid the pain from the surgical incisions would be too much to bare without the pain management. There's no need for all the medical details, I assume. But to put it in crude words, we had to get through the breastbone to get to the heart. It's a massive injury, nothing else. And it will take time to heal.“ 

Jensen tried his best to make sense of the words but he couldn't put an image to the doctor's explanation. He wasn't sure he wanted to. He didn't want to imagine how the surgeon had cut into his chest and cracked the breastbone in two to reach the injured heart. It was a nauseating picture that played out in his mind and he felt unbelievably tired – even more then before. He closed his eyes, his voice low and hoarse.

„Will I be okay?“

„I'm here to determine exactly that. We already did some blood tests and we're waiting on the results of that . We'll do a more detailed EKG and an angiogram now that you're awake. But only you can tell us how you feel. There's a series of questions I need you to answer. Do you feel up to that?“

Jensen forced his eyes open again as he felt Danneel squeeze his hand softly but with determination. The doctor wanted to make sure that he was okay and his wife wanted him to be of assistance to the process. There was no way Dr. Mortimer could do this without Jensen's help. He could feel Danneel running her thumb over the back of his hand, carefully avoiding the catheter placed there. Jensen turned his head, careful not to cause another dizzy spell. She smiled and it gave him the strength he needed to concentrate. Apart from that it was a chance to think about something, anything else but the images of the surgery in his head.

„Yeah, I think so.“

„Can you breathe okay?“

„I guess. I can't take a deep breath. It hurts. But not much.“

„How about any other pain – in your upper chest, neck, arm?“

„No, I don't think so.“

„Do you feel dizzy?“

„Only when I move too quickly.“

Jensen watched anxiously as Dr. Mortimer took a few notes on the clipboard that he assumed stated the progress of his treatment, his vitals and the dosages of medications. He had no idea what his surgeon was writing down but so far he couldn't detect any worry in the doctor's eyes and the questions had been easy to answer. He was doing well or at least he hoped so. Dr. Mortimer nodded, more to himself than to his patient and looked back up from the chart. 

„Any tingling in your toes or fingers?“

„No.“

„Any numbness?“

„No. Nothing like that.“

Judging by the expression on Dr. Mortimer's face he was pleased with Jensen's answers and that was a giant weight off his shoulders. He wasn't sure what he had expected but it was definitely better than Jensen had imagined. Dr. Mortimer's small smile was just another reassurance. He watched the surgeon make another set of notes before he nodded absent mindedly and the smile on his face widened.

„Well, that sounds promising. We'll know more once the test results are back but all in all it seems you were very lucky.“

„I feel like hell, doc.“

„You had major surgery and the narcotics we gave you are still wearing off. You're supposed to feel like this. And a heart attack is a heart attack, no matter your age, general health and the way you feel right now. There will be damage to the heart muscle. It might not be extensive but it's there and you'll have to adjust to it.“

Jensen swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. Obviously things weren't just as easy and promising as it had first sounded. He knew he was sick but it was hard to even begin to grasp what this whole disaster of a medical emergency meant for him and would continue to mean for him probably for quite a while even after he would be out of the hospital. Jensen wasn't sure how long this whole mess would continue to be a part of his every day life and he was just as undecided if he wanted to know the answer. He asked anyway – there was no use in staling.

„Adjust how?“

„Medication, check-ups, special diet, special exercises. A cardiologist of your choice can work on a detailed schedule with you once you're well enough to be released. I won't lie to you though. It's quite a long way from here to there.“

„What does that mean? When can I go home?“

Jensen knew he sounded like a spoiled brat but he didn't care. He wanted answers, reassurance and the feeling of certainty. He wanted to know that he would be okay and that – maybe even if it would be a while – everything would go back to normal. Dr. Mortimer was used to this kind of patient reaction though. Jensen wasn't the first and unfortunately he wouldn't be the last young man he needed to give bad news to and try to help them find a way into the new life that had suddenly unfolded in front of him. 

„We will keep you in ICU to keep a close eye on your vitals and your overall condition for at least three more days. As you already know you're on a morphine drip right now which keeps the worst of the pain away. You might not feel it but the surgical incisions are still raw and you'll need absolute bed rest for the next couple of days to give them a chance to start to heal.“

„And after those three days, you'll send me home?“

„No, that would be premature. After that we'll take out the chest tubes, put you in a normal room and keep you for another week or two while we get you settled into physical therapy. It depends on your healing progress, your general health and about half a dozen other factors but it will take a while before you're back on your feet, I'm afraid. Once you're home you should find a qualified physiotherapist, a cardiologist and maybe a nutritionist.. They'll help you develop a routine.“

Dr. Mortimer gave him a friendly smile and reached out a hand to gently squeeze his patient's shoulder. It was probably meant to calm Jensen down but it didn't really have the desired effect. His patient still seemed tense and Dr. Mortimer could actually sympathize. It was a long way back to normality for both Jensen and his wife and it was the medical staffs job to help them through it. But if Dr. Mortimer knew one thing from experience it was not to take on too much at a time. It was the best advice he could give.

„I know this is a lot to take in. Don't worry about it. There's no need for that right now. We'll take it one step at a time and get you back to health. You're in good hands here.“

„Thanks, doc.“

„Is there anything else you would like to know? Any questions?“

„No.“

Jensen gave a small shake of his head in acknowledgment, carefully avoiding dizziness yet again. He felt Dr. Mortimers hand leave his shoulder. Actually there were about a dozen questions still swirling through his mind but he couldn't put any of them into words. It was all too much right now and he couldn't imagine that it would get better or even easier any time soon. Dr. Mortimer however took his silence as a cue to leave. 

„Alright. I'll leave you to your visitors then. I'll schedule the test we still need to do for tomorrow morning. I'll be back in tomorrow afternoon to see you. Call the nurse if there's anything you need. And get some rest.“


	9. A heartfelt conversation

Dr. Mortimer had gone and his absence had left a heavy silence between the couple. Danneel didn't dare to look directly at Jensen and her husband seemed deeply lost in thought. Danneel wanted nothing more but to say the right words to soothe him, help him and make him feel better but those words just wouldn't come. Instead she just sat there next to him, racking her brain for something, anything to say. She didn't have to though. It was Jensen who made the first step, his voice barely louder than a whisper, and all of a sudden it was easy to help.

„I'm scared, D...“

„I know you are, hon. But I'm here for you. We all are. And you're gonna get better. You're gonna be alright.“

Danneel had grabbed a hold of his forearm again, running soothing circles on his skin. There was a soft smile plastered on her face that just wouldn't reach her eyes. She was trying to be supportive but she had no confidence in her own words. Jensen didn't blame her for that. He didn't believe in a quick recovery or a complete one. The doctor had been very clear on that. There was a long and difficult way ahead of him and Danneel. A path he wasn't even supposed to think about yet because there were more trying problems at hand – like getting his strength back.

The one thing Dr. Mortimer hadn't asked him anything about was the way he felt about this whole disaster. Jensen couldn't blame the doctor either. He was a surgeon, not a therapist and how his patient was coping with the situation he was in wasn't really the doctors concern. Jensen could answer the unasked question easily though – he was coping badly. He still had a hard time even fully grasping what had happened to him and he had no idea how to deal with the aftermath. It frustrated him and that was why his reaction to Danneels question was a lot harsher than he had wanted. 

„How can I be? The doctor said there was damage to the heart....“

„He also said it isn't as bad as he thought. We can make adjustments to help you, can't we?“

“I'll still be sick, Danneel. And that won't ever get better again.”

“But it doesn't change who you are or what you mean to me. It doesn't mean you're weak. It just means a change. We can deal with that.”

Her smile was more genuine now, her grip on his arm tighter. But she had completely interpreted his reaction the wrong way. He didn't worry that she thought any less of him now that he would have to deal with this permanent... deficiency. He knew her feelings for him hadn't changed. It were his own feelings towards himself and his body that were the problem. Jensen didn't know how to voice his uncertainties though. It was hard to find the right words.

„It's not that...“

„What is it, babe? Talk to me?“

Jensen took a deep breath and the words were tumbling out of his mouth in one quick flow without him even thinking about them all too clearly. The frown on Danneels face told him that she still didn't understand what he was trying to explain to her. It was unnerving but once again there couldn't be any blame. He could hardly voice his own feelings and he was the one who was sick. How was his wife supposed to understand how hard this whole situation was on his feeling of self worth and security.

„How am I supposed to trust myself?“

„With what?“

„Anything! How am I supposed to trust myself with whatever I do if my body just betrays me like this?! How could this possibly be alright? Everything feels wrong right now. It's difficult to breathe, to move. And everything is so goddamn hard, so exhausting. I feel like jello. I'm weak, so weak it's ridiculous. I can't get out of this bed, can't walk on my own, can't have a decent meal, can't even go to the bathroom... This sucks.“

Danneel's expression changed. She had the same doubts and worries as Jensen but she couldn't tell him that. Jared's words from earlier today echoed in the back of her head. She had to be strong for her husband. She couldn't join in the frustrated rant even if she wanted to. Instead she was smiling a soft sad smile and her caring tone was tinged with a hint of sarcasm.

„Yeah, tell me about it.“

The urge to hug Danneel was almost overwhelming but Jensen knew he wouldn't be able to do that. It was one more thing his body was denying him right now. He couldn't reach out for Danneel, couldn't have her close because it was too damn exhausting and there was too much medical equipment in the way. There was nothing he could do about that but that only fueled the frustration about the unfairness of it all. 

She deserved a hug though. Actually they both deserved not to be here but to be back home and enjoy their free time together. Thinking about that would neither make him feel better nor make it easier to cope though. He was the one who was sick and Danneel was the one who would have to deal with the fallout of that illness just as much. She would have to struggle through the whole ordeal with him and judging by the tired expression on her pale face it would be anything but a smooth journey. 

Jensen made a conscious effort to raise a hand to her face and cup her cheek. The soft tugging of the catheter in his forearm was uncomfortable but he ignored the sensation. Danneel leaned into the touch, closing her eyes and taking a deep, liberating breath. It was a moment of comfortable silence and Jensen didn't want to disturb it. But the unwilling thought that suddenly crossed his mind pushed him out of the moment of bliss they shared in this impossible scenario. He realized Danneel would have to leave sooner or later – hospital rules. And he didn't want her to. His voice was low, the tone careful and Danneels eyes snapped open again.

„I don't think I can sleep.“

„Are you hurting? Do you need something for the pain?“

Jensen let his hand drop back down on the mattress as Danneel pulled back, alarm clearly visible on her face. He hurried to shake his head, making an effort yet again to rise the hand that held the central line for the morphine drip. This had nothing to do with physical pain and the last thing he had wanted, was to disturb that little bit of peace his wife had been feeling just moments ago. The troubles he was trying to deal with were only in his head but that didn't make them any less profound.

„No. This really is the good stuff. Keeps me all floaty and foggy. It's just... I'm afraid to go to sleep because I know what happened last time. I didn't wake up again. Not until I was in here I mean.“

„But you're better now. They took care of that. And they're keeping a close eye on you, making sure you stay alright. You're in good hands here.“

Her smile was brittle and that far away look in her eyes told him that Danneel was in a different place and time in her mind right now. She remembered this morning and Jensen swallowed hard against the lump forming in his throat. He had no recollection whatsoever about anything concerning the time between waking up in pain at home in bed and waking up here in the hospital. He knew from Danneel's features and what the nurse had told him that his wife must've gone through hell not knowing if he was okay. He hadn't thought about the fact that she also must've been the one to get him here initially... His voice was raw with emotion.

„I must've scared the hell out of you.“

„As a matter of fact you did. When I came into the room with you on the bed all pale and unmoving...“

„I'm sorry...“

„There's no blame here. It's not your fault. It just... happened. I'm glad you're alright. Unbelievably glad and grateful.“

Her voice broke by the end of the sentence and she grabbed his arm with both hand, lowering her forehand down to his skin. Her grip was tight, almost painful and he could tell she was fighting back the sudden onset of emotion so that she wouldn't sit here crying. Jensen would've been okay with that though. Letting her emotions out was definitely the healthier way to deal with the situation. Instead he allowed her to hide in the warmth of his body, skin on skin and fought against the trembling weakness in his arm as he lifted his hand on her head, gently running his fingers through her hair. Her quick, hitching breaths were slowly evening out. Jensen rested his head on the pillow and closed his eyes, his hand resting on Danneel's head. The feeling of tiredness and exhaustion was creeping up on him but he didn't want to give in. He didn't want to be alone and as long as there was no clarity on that he would fight the wish for sleep off with all the strength still left to him. Forcing his eyes open again, he looked down at his wife.

„Will you stay with me?“

„If they let me.“

„Tell them I'll put up a fight if they don't.“

Danneel looked up and Jensen's hand slipped from her head. He didn't bother to fight against the hand uselessly falling back on the bed. Danneel was still pale but she hadn't cried, there were no signs of tears on her face. She combed through her hair with her fingers, smoothing the strands down and a soft grin spread on her face. Jensen was glad to see that expression light up her features. Obviously the moment of calm intimacy had helped her.

„I hate to break it to you, babe but you're in no condition for any kind of fight. They'll knock you out quicker than you can say stop.“

„Try, okay? Tell them I need you here. Tell them it helps me. And tell them no drugs that make me sleepy.“

Danneel nodded and slowly got up from the chair next to Jensen's bed. She liked the idea of staying here, being with Jensen throughout the night and having a chance to watch over him. Even if that meant that she got little sleep. She would sleep just as badly at home on the couch. She gave him a smile and a soft squeeze but turned back from her way to the door halfway through.

“Do you feel up to another visitor while I go talk to the nurse?”

“Sure.”


	10. Friends

Danneel had reemerged from Jensen's hospital room to talk to the nurse and had come to fetch Jared to go visit his friend. He had shared a quick look with Donna and Alan and all he had gotten in return was patience and smiles. They were okay with Jared seeing their son first and he didn't really understand why. What he did know, was that he would have liked to have a little more time. He was... scared. Or maybe it was just a whole lot of nervousness. Either way there was this tingling feeling in his stomach like a bee colony had settled in there. 

He had no idea what to expect but from everything he had heard earlier today, it wouldn't be a pretty sight entering that hospital room. The nurse had told them upon arrival that Jensen was off the ventilator and settled into a patient room in ICU. Those things were progress. But he was still receiving a whole set of different medications and his vitals were still monitored. It was still a lot of wires and tubes and machinery and even though they had pretended for Jensen to be sick in the role of Dean Winchester throughout several episodes of the show, this was nothing like that. This was reality.

But he had come here of his own volition because his friend needed him. He wouldn't back out of it now. Even if he was scared to see Jensen like this. It must be felling a hundred times scarier for his friend. Jared's hand rested on the doorknob that would give him access to Jensen's room once he turned it for quite a while. He could only hope his friend hadn't heard him approaching. Otherwise Jared would have a hard time explaining why he had lurked outside the room for so long.

One more deep breath and a mental kick to his butt had him finally enter the room. His gaze fell on Jensen immediately and Jared felt his stomach tie into knots. There was only one way to describe how Jensen looked – awful. Jared barely recognized the pale figure in the bed. Jensen had his eyes closed but the clear tubing sneaking away from the needles in his arms, the nasal cannula supplying oxygen and all the monitoring equipment all around the bed didn't leave any room for the believe that Jensen was simply sleeping. 

Jared swallowed hard and carefully took a few steps closer to the bed. Jensen didn't react and Jared wasn't sure if his friend was just resting his eyes or if he had fallen asleep. He looked exhausted enough, Jared could tell now that he was closer to the bed. Jensen's skin colour almost matched that of the stark white bedclothes and there were dark shadows under his eyes. Another step and Jared's shoes caused a squeaking sound on the floor. Jensen's eyes snapped open and Jared plastered a smile on his face, raising a hand in greeting.

“Hey...”

“Jared?”

“You look terrible, man.”

The words were out of his mouth before he had a chance to filter them through an internal sensor for decency. They were definitely not the right thing to say and of course Jensen picked him up on that immediately. But there was a small tired smile in his friends face and that told Jared that – as hard as the situation was to deal with right now – joking around a little was okay.

“Nice choice of words to soothe the ailing.”

“When the shoe fits.”

“Your beside manner really needs a crash course in politeness.”

Jared grinned, shrugged and dropped down on the chair beside the bed. He was glad that Jensen's initial confusion after waking up had cleared off and he was doing better now. But he still looked exhausted and Jared had meant it when he told the older one that he wasn't looking good. Jared tried his best not to stare but he wasn't sure if Jensen would even notice. He was snapped back to the here and now as Jensen's soft voice reached him.

„Danneel told me you were here and I didn't question it. Thought she got it wrong. But you're really here...“

„Sorry?“

Jensen laughed and Jared was about to join in but his friend stopped abruptly, his face contorting in a sudden onset of pain. Jared felt panic rising up as Jensen shut his eyes tightly against the pain. He was already back up from the chair about to turn on his heels and run out to get the nurse to help Jensen when his friend grabbed a hold of his arm all of a sudden. Jared had no idea where the sudden strength came from but it didn't last for long. Jensen took a careful breath, let go of Jared's arm and leaned back into the pillows. His voice was raspy now.

„Damn that actually hurt.“

„I didn't mean to...“

„Not your fault. I just kind of hoped the numbness meant there wasn't that much pain anyway. Guess I was wrong...“

They cracked your chest open. Of course there's pain. The words were already on the tip of Jared's tongue but he managed to hold them back. Jensen didn't need sarcasm and harsh words right now. He needed Jared to be there for him and being scared about what he had just witnessed was no reason to let the frustration about it all out on his friend. Instead he dropped back down on the chair and tried his best to steer the conversation in a direction that wouldn't cause another accidental flash of pain.

“How are you feeling anyway?”

“Tired. And weak. I can barely do anything but lie here and wait for you people to keep me company and entertain me through the boredom that is a hospital stay. But they tell me I'll be better.”

“Of course you will. Anyway, it's good to finally see you.“

Jensen frowned and Jared realized that Danneel probably hadn't told him that Jared had been here all day. She must have had more important things on her mind and Jared certainly didn't blame her for that. Jensen was curious though and Jared was all too willing to answer every last question the older man had as long as that meant to talk to him and be reassured that he was doing better now.

„Finally? Since when are you here?“

„Since this morning. Stopover in L.A., remember? Danneel called your Mom, she called me and she reached me in between flights. I came here to find Danneel, stayed with her and tried to keep her company, keep her grounded.“

„Thanks, man. I really appreciate that.“

„Don't mention it. You would've done the same for Gen.“

They both knew it was true and Jensen was nodding in agreement but Jared was sure his facial expression mirrored the one Jensen had on his face. Neither one of them even wanted to think about what it would have been like if the situation had been reserved. It was bad enough as it was already. There was no need for any additional horror scenarios. It wasn't the only thing Jensen had on his mind right now.

Danneel didn't want to worry him so she didn't talk to him about how she had been since this morning. She had told him he had scared her but that was about the extent of it. Jared had been there through it all. He was the only other person Jensen could ask and he trusted his friend to tell him the truth – even if it would be hurtful

“How... Did she hold up okay? She looks tired.”

“She is. It was a long and really hard day on her. She was scared, she war worried and it took them a while to get any real information back to her. All we could do was wait. It was hard on her but she had some time to rest before we came back here and she's a lot better now that you're awake. She'll be fine, Jensen. Don't worry about her.”

“What about you?”

“Me? I'm not the one that's hurt here. I'm okay.”

Jensen hid back a soft sigh. Nobody around here seemed to have enough confidence in him to confront him with the whole truth. But if he looked anything like he felt Jensen couldn't blame them for shielding him. There was another thing he was curious about though and that he felt a little guilty for. Jared had left everything – even the way back home to his family – just to be here with him. It couldn't have been an easy decision and Jensen truly hoped there hadn't been a family dispute. He had caused the people he loved enough grief for one day already...

„What about Gen? Does she know? Is she okay with you being here?“

„We talked on the phone. She told me to stay as long as I was needed.“

„Sounds like her.“

Silence fell between them. Jared was just sitting there watching him carefully and Jensen was deeply lost in his own thoughts. He remembered an evening a few days ago when he and Jared had talked about their summer vacation plans. Gen had wanted a trip to Europe and Jared had been all excited about it. But now, now he was here, stuck with his sick friend and Gen was alone at home with the boys and not even anywhere near Europe... Jensen gave Jared an intent look. 

„You don't have to stay though. I'm better now and they tell me I will be okay again eventually. You and Gen and the boys, you had plans already, didn't you?“

„It can wait.“

„It shouldn't.“

There was barely any conviction in Jensen's protest and Jared could tell his friend was growing more tired with every passing minute. He was taking advantage and maybe that wasn't a nice thing to do but he wanted his friend to know that there was nothing he could say or do to make Jared leave. The decision had already been made. 

„Jensen, stop it. You're my friend, you're sick and you can use the support. I'm not going anywhere.“


	11. The best wife in the world

It was late in the morning of the next day and Jared still couldn't shake that feeling of awkwardness as he stood at the kitchen counter in Jensen's and Danneels house waiting for the coffee to finish while neither of his friends were actually in the house. It had been late last night when he, Alan and Donna had left the hospital. Jensen had already been half asleep through the visit of his parents and when Danneel had come back from a lengthy discussion with Dr. Mortimer, she had told them that she would stay the night.

Jared had taken Jensen's parents back to the house and they were still asleep upstairs in the master bedroom. It had taken a little convincing to get them to sleep there. A hotel had been their first option, but Jared insisted they stayed close. The guest bedroom was the next option he managed to talk them out of. He still vividly remembered the horror in Danneels eyes on the idea to sleep in the bedroom alone, surrounded by the memory of finding her husband unconscious and unresponsive on the bed... 

Donna and Alan had finally agreed and Jared had debated taking the guestroom for himself. He had decided against it though. Danneel needed a place to sleep because he was pretty sure she wouldn't be allowed to stay the night at the hospital for the whole long recovery phase Jensen had ahead of him. She needed a proper bed and a place to retreat to. He had slept on the couch in the living room and the sore and stiff muscles in his back and neck told him it had been a really bad idea. 

The coffee helped a little to make him feel more alert and awake. But he couldn't shake that uneasy feeling while he was sitting alone in the silence of the kitchen that would have been full of activity right now if Jensen was okay. He was supposed to pick up Danneel in a little while and Jared was actually glad to get out of the house. He was nervous just as much though. Visiting Jensen last night had taken quite a toll on him and right now he doubted he had the energy to see his friend all weak and ailing again.

Surprisingly there hadn't been any nightmares but he had probably been way too exhausted for anything but a deep dreamless sleep. It didn't change the fact that the situation they were in was bad enough as it was. Even if Jared had promised to be there for Jensen all the way and not to leave any time soon, it was still a difficult goal to achieve. His main problem was that constant feeling of helplessness. This wasn't like a shallow cut or a bruised knee. Those were things you could put a band aid or a balm and a bandage on. Things you could actually do something about. But Jared could do nothing about Jensen's illness, there was nothing he could physically do to help. It felt all wrong to just sit there with him and talk, reassure him and try to make him feel better even though they both knew it would never be the same as before...

The ringing of the doorbell cut through the silence and made Jared flinch. He didn't expect anyone to show up and he certainly had no idea how to explain to any friends of the couple why neither Danneel nor Jensen were here. He wasn't even sure what he was supposed to say to them... But he couldn't just sit here and wait for whoever was at the door to go away again. He got up, walked to the door and opened it, stopping dead in his tracks as he realized who the unexpected visitor was.

„Gen? What are you doing here?“

„Nice way to welcome your wife, hon.“

Jared who still couldn't rid himself of the feeling that he was seeing a mirage had a hard time to form an answer. It was truly Genevieve standing right in front of him, a soft grin on her face and an expression of sympathy in her eyes. Jared couldn't believe his wife had actually dropped pretty much everything at home and had gotten on a plane to be here with him. When he had told her that he needed to stay with Jensen he had never expected Gen to take that as her cue to come here too. 

„Sorry, it's just... I didn't expect to see you, that's all. Did I miss something?“

„No, you didn't. How's Jensen?“

The sudden change in topic caught Jared off guard especially as he hadn't really gotten an answer to why Gen was here yet. He shouldn't have been surprised though. Gen wasn't as close to Jensen as he was obviously, but still they were friends and as a friend she was curious and worried. Jared had a hard time answering the question though. The facts the doctors had told them mixed with his own feeling of wariness and helplessness. He finally decided on a guarded answer and was called on it immediately.

„The doctors tell us he's better...“

„But?“

„I just... I'm not so sure. I went to see him last night with Danneel and his parents. Danneel's still there. Alan and Donna are upstairs, sleeping. They'll pick up JJ in a little while and they'll be back at the hospital this afternoon. And I... I don't know if I can go back there.“

Gen didn't pry and she didn't judge. Which was why Jared had told her about his fears to see his friend again in the first place. His wife was unbelievably patient with him and even if his words sounded odd and maybe even rude to her, she did give him a chance to explain himself. She just stood there in the doorway, a serious expression on her face now, empathy still flooding her eyes, didn't ask any questions but patiently waited for Jared to continue.

„If they wouldn't have told me it's him... He's weak, Gen. Unbelievably weak. Barely able to move around on his own. And he's pale and barely able to follow a conversation for any longer period of time. And then there's all that stuff they tell us he needs to keep him alright. The machines and monitors, the wiring, the tubes, the catheters. He... he looks awful, Gen. I have no idea how he's supposed to be okay...“

„But he will be.“

It wasn't even a question but a statement and Gen sounded so sure of herself that Jared felt guilty for his own inability to believe in his friend. But it was easy for Gen to say, he realized, because she hadn't actually seen Jensen in person, hadn't seen what the illness had done to him. Jared looked at Gen, searching for that expression of utter conviction in her eyes. It hadn't wavered and somehow that gave him some strength back.

„How?“

„I'm no doctor, hon. But I'm sure they're doing everything they can and I'm just as sure they wouldn't lie to you just to make you feel better. Jensen's been hurt bad and it'll take time for him to heal. But we both know him well enough. He won't give up on his family. He'll fight his way through this and we are here to help him. All of us.“

„What does that mean? Is that why you're here?“

She nodded and seemed a little nervous right now. Jared still had no idea what had possessed his wife to show up here and now that he thought about it he had no idea what she had done with the boys. They were probably back home with Jared's parents but he could only assume. Gen cleared her throat and finally let Jared in on the reasons for her being here. Jared wasn't sure what it was he had expected but it wasn't this. 

„I know I should have asked you first, talked to you about this but I... I rented a house. It's a beach house near Ventura, off the cliffs, remote, private beach.“

„You rented a house? Just outside of L.A.? For how long?“

„The whole summer break. And I have the boys in the car. I just wanted to stop in, let you know, give you the address. I'll take the boys there now, settle them in and you come as soon as you're back from seeing Jensen.“

Jared just stared at Gen, unable to do anything else. He was almost sure he had heard it wrong. It was too good to be true. She had done all of this out of the blue and on quick notice because it had been... necessary. He was sure he looked like an idiot the way he stared at her and his voice matched the surprised expression on his face all too clearly.

„You did this, all of this, for me?“

„A whole sunny summer at the beach sounded like a good idea to me, don't you think?“

„What about Europe? You wanted to go back to Paris...“

„Paris will still be there the next time you're on a break from shooting. Jensen's sick now. He needs his friends.“

A soft smile spread on Jared's face and he felt both pride and love for Gen. He had been grateful for the way she had understood that he needed to be here, for her patience and empathy. But this, this was more than he had ever expected or even imagined her to do. He pulled her into a tight hug, not letting go while he was talking to her and he could feel her chuckle against his chest.

“This is... it's amazing. Thank you so much for doing this.”

“There really wasn't much of a thought process there. A friend in need, a chance to spend time with my husband while he's going through something he needs support with and a beach summer for the boys... Sounds like a no-brainer to me.”

The way she said it, it sounded completely logical but it didn't change the fact that she had thrown all of their, all of her summer plans out of the window so Jared could be there for Jensen. He was sure Gen would make the best of the situation and he was grateful he had her close. She was the support he needed to deal with his own worries and doubts in this impossible situation. He planted a soft kiss on her forehead before he let her go again.

“You're unbelievable, you do know that right?”

“I've been informed. Now here's the address. I packed some clothes and other stuff for you as well. Just come to the house when you're done at the hospital.”

She handed him a slip of paper and he curled his hand around it. Suddenly Jared remembered there was such a things as manners and he realized that they were still standing in the doorway to the house. He had been that surprised about Gen showing up that he hadn't even thought about asking her to come inside.

“Don't you wanna come in? Have a coffee? Or maybe come with and visit?”

“I'm supposed to pick up the house keys in half an hour, so no time. But I will come with you and see Jensen once he's settled into a normal room. I'm sure they want to keep the group of visitors in ICU as small as possible.”

“Actually they do...”

There was that swelling feeling of love and pride again for the prudence she showed for the whole situation. He really couldn't describe how grateful he was that Gen had come here and was willing to throw all their overboard so Jared could be there for his friend. He followed his instinct, pulled Gen into another bone crushing hug and kissed her with that much force that Gen had to bend back in his arms. She gave a soft sound of surprise and Jared could feel her starting to smile against his lips. He pulled back, staring down at her with an intent gaze.

“I love you. And I don't deserve you.”

“No you don't. But you get to keep me anyway.”


	12. Staying for good

After Jared had come with Gen to say hello to his kids and she had left for the rented beach house, Jensen's parents had been up and they had a rather awkward and silent breakfast together. The situation was still too tight and there wasn't much to talk about as there weren't any news yet. They went their separate way – Jared to pick up Danneel and visit Jensen and Donna and Alan to pick up their granddaughter. 

They planned to switch places after that, Jensen's parents visiting their son at the hospital and Danneel taking care of the little one. She would be back at the hospital tonight and try her luck with the doctors and nurses to allow her to sleep over again. At least that was the plan. Jared wasn't so sure it would be that easy. Dr. Mortimer had been anything but happy with the sleepover and probably didn't want a repeat. Then again Jared would sure Danneel wouldn't just let this go without a fight. And he could fully sympathize with that. He could understand that she needed to be with Jensen. But she also needed to take better care of herself. Maybe there was a chance for a compromise. That was what he was here for as well. To lend just a tiny bit more objectivity and help both his friends to be as good as they could possibly under the circumstances.

When he arrived at ICU and had been buzzed in by a nurse at the station, he was surprised to find Danneel in conversation with the young woman. He had expected her to be with Jensen. And he had expected her to look a lot more rested than she did. She was almost as pale as Jensen had been last night and there were shadows under her eyes, her eyelids heavy. She looked unbelievably exhausted, even more so than she had done yesterday. Jared cleared his throat but even that didn't get her attention. When he stepped up to her and gently touched her shoulder, Danneel flinched and spun around. She looked confused for just the tiniest of moments before a smile appeared on her face.

“Jared...”

“Morning. You look tired, Danneel.”

“I am. It wasn't a good night...”

Danneels voice had gotten lower by the end of the sentence and she avoided looking Jared in the face. He was alarmed immediately. Whatever had happened throughout the night, it hadn't been bad enough to warrant a phone call to the rest of Jensen's family. But it was enough to make Danneel look like she hadn't slept even a little last night. He was worried about her and he wanted her to be okay, but he was even more worried about his friend right now.

“Is Jensen okay?”

“As good as can be expected. At least that's what the nurses tell me. They said it's normal that nights are worse for the patients. The morphine makes him woozy but the narcotics and the stress on his body from the surgery makes it hard for him to actually sleep. He's not in pain but he's literally too exhausted to sleep. He was restless all night and almost every time he fell asleep and moved around too much some alarm went off and woke both of us up again. Margie – the nurse – she offered him something to help him sleep. But Jensen didn't want it. Actually I think he's happy he didn't sleep much. He's afraid of what might happen this time... I can't say that I blame him but I need...”

She seemed lost for words and to Jared it looked like she truly had no idea what to say or do anymore. A sudden surge of protectiveness grabbed a hold of him and he reached out a hand, lightly holding on to her forearm, hoping that the touch would ground her and would actually make her listen to him. He had to admit he was truly surprised when Danneel nodded her head in agreement even though she looked defeat as she did so.

“You need to go home and rest. That's completely understandable, Danneel. Why don't you go get yourself some tea and a sandwich at the cafeteria or something. You look like you can use that as well. I'll say Jensen a quick hello and then I'll take you back home.”

“Thanks Jared. Give it a couple more minutes though. Margie is still in there changing the bandages.”

“She threw you out?”

“We agreed that I don't need to see that. Not just now. It's all still pretty... raw.”

Danneel sounded highly uncomfortable and Jared didn't protest because he fully understood the sentiment. He wasn't sure if he would have had the stomach to sit through the treatment and have a close look at the surgical scars. But he didn't like the idea that Jensen had to struggle through this all on his own any better. He forced a smile and a nod. The last thing Danneel needed right now was his disapproval.

“I'll wait outside.”

She smiled contently and Jared watched her leave the ward down the corridor. He truly hoped some breakfast would give Danneel back at least a little bit of her strength and he wished for her to get some hours of deep, undisturbed sleep. As soon as Danneel was out of eyesight, Jared walked over to Jensen's room. He debated going against Danneels advice and entering the room while the nurse was still in there. He never got a chance to actually make a decision because the door opened before he could do so and a woman in blue scrubs excited the room. She looked up when she saw the young man standing beside the door.

“Hello there.”

“Are you Margie?”

“Yes. I'm Jensen's nurse. And you're Jared, his friend, right? He told me about you.”

“That's me. Can I see him?”

“Sure, hon. You go right in.”

She cleared the door and gave Jared a soft smile that he mirrored before he grabbed for the handle of the door. This time it was easier for Jared to enter the room. Seeing Jensen in that hospital bed still wasn't a good thing though. Danneel had been right. Jensen looked even paler and more exhausted than the day before if that was even possible. But he was awake and he was smiling when he saw Jared coming up to him. 

“Hey.”

„Morning. How're you feeling?“

„Still weak like a kitten. And I saw...“

Jensen gestured to his chest in an uncoordinated and still rather weak gesture but Jared got what his friend was trying to tell him anyway. He hadn't seen the surgical wounds yet – nurse Margie had always thrown them out for changing the dressings so far. But he didn't want to see the results of the surgery anyhow. Jensen's facial expression was enough for Jared to not ever change his mind about that. Jensen's expression changed to a lopsided smile that held only sarcasm and no humor whatsoever. 

„Looks bad.“

„It's supposed to look bad,man. It was a massive surgery. But you'll be fine.“

„Yeah, that's what they keep telling me.“

There was a small waver in Jensen's voice and a sadness in his eyes that made Jared hurt inside. He wanted his friend to be confident and to believe in his recovery but he also knew how difficult that was. It was hard for his family and friends around him to deal with the situation, which meant it was a hundred times harder for Jensen. Jared sat down next to the bed trying his best to sound reassuring – after all that was what he was here for.

„You don't believe them?“

„I do. I mean they're my doctors. They should know. Still feel like crap though. Weak and exhausted. And the pain meds make me feel sluggish. It doesn't even hurt. The way it looks, it's supposed to hurt like hell. And it would if they wouldn't have me on that morphine drip...“

It was Jared's turn for a sarcastic, bitter smile now. He couldn't deny that he had given it some thought in the dark hours of the night but he really didn't want to imagine what it would be like for Jensen if there was no pain medication involved. He could try to picture and he was aware it would make his friends situation unbearable – truly so.

„I don't think you'd want it any other way.“

„No.“

Jensen was grinning but there was no humor to it. Jared watched him closely. Apart from the clear signs of lack of sleep and exhaustion, Jensen looked troubled. Like he had too much time to think about the things that were going on with and around him. Jared got that. There was probably not much else Jensen could do. He didn't allow himself to sleep and he could barely move around. A revolving thought process was pretty much all he had right now. He could see Jensen struggle with his emotions for the briefest of moments before he decided to put trust in Jared.

„I'd just like to feel more like myself.“

„What do you feel like?“

„Like a patient.“

„Well you are.“

Jensen gave a frustrated groan. He had thought a lot about his situation throughout the last night. Being unable to sleep and not letting the nurses help him with that by adding yet another set of drugs to the cocktail he was on already, had given him one hell of a lot of time to do exactly that. It had been depressing to say the least and he hadn't come up with any solution how to make it all better. There was one thing he knew for sure though and he let Jared know.

„This sucks.“

„I know. But even if it sounds lame and isn't very helpful at all, you were lucky. Very, very lucky.“

„I don't feel lucky. I feel like I have been thrown into a cosmic joke and it's not funny.“

Jensen knew he sounded bitter but he felt he had every right to that. The whole situation was hilarious in a completely awful way. He wanted to be healthy, he wanted to be okay and home with his family. But he wasn't able to do any of those things and that was weighing him down. He had done nothing wrong, his family and friends had done nothing wrong but still here they were. Jared's soft voice brought Jensen back to the reality around him.

„No, it's not. And it isn't fair. I wish there was something anyone of us could do for you not to have to go through this. But we can't change the facts. What we can do is help you through this. Danneel is here, your parents are here, Josh and Mackenzie promised to come see you as soon as they can and I'm here.“

„You have Gen and the boys. You don't have to stay...“

„You'll be stuck with me, Jensen. Gen rented a house in Ventura.“

Jensen's reaction was priceless and had the situation been any less difficult, Jared probably would have laughed. The look on Jensen's face was probably the same on Jared had when Gen had first told him about the reevaluation of the summer plans. It was the same thing Gen had achieved in coming here with Jensen now. He knew there was no reason in fighting his friends help now because Jared was here to stay. He watched Jensen and could literally see the other man working through the news. He still looked surprised but as Jared had predicted there was no more fight left now.

„Just like that?“

„Just like that.“


	13. A turn for the worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay - I was away on holiday this weekend. Enjoy.

It had been three days since Jensen had woken up and they had developed a certain routine by now. Danneel stayed late and also came to see him in the morning, Jared usually sat with him in the afternoon and his parents had agreed to take the evening visiting hours before they switched places with Danneel. Jared's initial reluctance had slowly turned into something a lot more positive. Jensen was doing better and even though he still felt a little woozy due to the morphine most of the time, he managed to stay awake through most of the day.

His parents had decided to go back home by the weekend now that Jensen was doing better. Danneel had finally spent the nights at home again now that Jensen was about to be moved back to a normal room and Jared spent his time with Gen and the boys when he wasn't at the hospital. He loved the beach house Gen had chosen and he was still unbelievably grateful for her decision to support him in this unique and truly selfless way.

Jensen's condition was stabilizing with every passing day and even if it was a slow process it was an encouraging and heartwarming thing to watch. He wasn't supposed to fight for his health so hard but there was no changing the facts and Jensen was coping with the situation the best way he knew how. He was slowly adjusting to the new environment that made up his reality now.

It was the reason why Danneel was actually happy to come to the hospital now. She was no longer constantly worried about Jensen and it seemed they were slowly but gradually finding a way through the mess that was their life right now. Dr. Mortimer had consulted a physical therapist who was supposed to help Jensen get back on his feet as soon as he was settled into a normal room. There was a nutritionist as well and a list of cardiologists to pick from for the aftercare. Everything was set on getting Jensen out of the hospital and back home.

It was probably the first time Danneel was actually smiling upon entering the ICU ward and greeting both Margie and the second on duty nurse at the station before she made her way to Jensen's room. A quick glance to the bed after entering the room made her smile. Her husband was awake even though he seemed to have a hard time to track her movements this morning. He seemed a bit unfocused and upon getting closer to the bed, she realized he looked a lot paler than he had done last night. But Margie had explained to her there would be frequent ups and downs to the recovery process so it didn't have her worried too much. She sat down, gently laid her hand over his, avoiding the IV line and frowned when she felt the heat radiating off his skin. Her tone of voice was more guarded now.

“Morning, hon.”

There was no reaction from Jensen and it felt to Danneel like somebody had reached into her chest and had started to squeeze. This was not a bad day of the recovery phase. This was worse and it was completely wrong. Jensen blinked, once, twice and finally managed to focus his eyes on her, a barely noticeable smile on his lips. It did nothing to calm her down though. His eyes were glazed over and there was a soft sheen of sweat on his forehead. It took all the strength she could muster to keep the nervous trembling from her voice. 

“Babe, are you okay?”

“Don't feel so good.”

“What's wrong, hon? What's going on?”

“Don't know...”

The few little lines of conversation had dragged along because it seemed to take Jensen an eternity before he comprehended the questions asked and managed to form the words necessary to answer. The painful feeling in Danneels stomach was now accompanied by a tight knot in her stomach and a wave of fear that washed over her and almost took her breath away. The way Jensen reacted to her, the slow, uncoordinated movements, were almost as bad as the day he had first woken up. She held on tighter to his hand, squeezing it, hoping the close contact would snap him out of it. 

“Are you in pain? Do you need me to get Margie?”

“No... No pain. No Margie. Just... warm... sticky... woozy. Feel all wrong... I'll be okay.”

His words were low, slurred and barely comprehendable. Danneel needed to lean in closer to actually catch them and the closer they were the more she could feel that unnatural warmth that was coming off of Jensen. She swallowed hard against the lump forming in her throat and made a quick, emotional decision. She couldn't stand to see him like this for even a second longer and there was only one way she could think of to help him even if it meant going against his wishes.

“This isn't good, Jensen. It's not okay. I'll be right back.”

“'kay.”

He didn't even fight her on it even though he had just told her he didn't want any drugs or for her to get the nurse and that told Danneel all to clearly that something was terribly wrong. It was an overwhelming effort to actually let go of his hand and leave Jensen all alone even if it was just for a moment. But Danneel forced herself to do it, getting up and reaching the room's door in a few quick strides. She didn't even bother to walk up to the nurses station and now that she didn't have to push her fear aside in order not to upset her husband, her voice was dripping with it as she called for the nurse who looked up at her, frowned and then was up and by her side in what felt like the blink of an eye..

„Margie!“

„What is it dear? You two need help with anything?“

„I don't know but... I think something is really wrong. Jensen is restless. He has been since I got in. He's sweaty and way too warm and I think he's really uncomfortable but I can't get him to tell me why. He's barely awake as it is, barely able to understand what I'm saying.“

An expression of concern flooded the nurse's face and it didn't go unnoticed by Danneel. Margie was too much of a professional to not keep her emotions in check though and a second later a soothing smile appeared on her lips and her voice was calm and gentle as always. However it did little to nothing to calm the younger woman down. Margie was worried and that could not be a good sign. 

„Let's take a look at him, shall we?“

Danneel nodded and took a step aside, allowing Margie entrance to Jensen's room and following her back inside. She stayed behind, found a place at the foot of the bed where she was close enough to her husband but was still leaving the nurse room enough to work. She watched Margies every move closely and her heart sank when she realized that Jensen's eyes were closed now. Margies voice was soothing but authoritative at the same time.

“Hey there, dear. It's Margie. I need you to open your eyes for me. Can you do that for me?”

There was a very soft, barely noticeable nod but that was all the response she got from her patient. Jensen didn't do as she had asked of him though, didn't open his eyes and Margie realized with growing concern that even though he had heard her he neither had the strength nor the receptiveness to act on her demand. Danneel had been right – it was anything but a good sign. Margie reached out, balled her hand into a fist and gently rubbed at Jensen's sternum, carefully avoiding the bandages and the surgical incisions lying beneath. Her voice was stronger now, more demanding.

“Jensen?”

She managed to extract a soft moan from him but that was the only reaction Margie got out of Jensen. The feeling of mild concern grew with every passing second and Margie truly wished she wouldn't have allowed Danneel back inside with her. It would only complicate matters right now and make it harder for her to take proper care of her patient. True to her expectations, the younger woman was all over her with questions, barely concealed panic shining in her eyes as she demanded answers Margie didn't yet have for her. 

“What is it?! What's wrong!?“

“Please calm down. I'm trying to find out what's going on with him but I need you to stay calm, okay. Just stay back and let me work.”

Margie was pleasantly surprised when Danneel actually did as she was told and took a step back from the bed, giving her room. It took a considerable amount of effort to put that distance between herself and Jensen, Margie knew that but she couldn't focus on Danneels feelings right now. There were more important things that needed her attention. She gave the monitors a quick once over and was anything but pleased by what she saw.

Both blood pressure and heart rate were way to high for her liking and Jensen's oxygen levels had dropped back down to barely above ninety. She could feel the heat radiating off his body without actually touching him. It didn't even need the thermometer to determine that there was a fever but Margie was actually stunned into a moment of silence by the results on the digital display. It was almost at 106 which wasn't just worrisome, it was dangerous. 

Margie felt a pang of guilt but quickly dismissed the feeling. She had not let her duties slide and neither had any of the other nurses. It was procedure with ICU patients that were about to be transferred back to a normal ward not to check in every hour. They had patients here that needed a lot more care and those came first. She had last checked and noted Jensen's vitals last night and they shouldn't have taken a turn for the worse this quickly. She wasn't a doctor and it wasn't her place to diagnose but she had a pretty clear idea what the problem was. She looked up at Danneel who had watched every last move the nurse had made and truly wished she had better news for the younger woman.

„Jensen's running a fever. A pretty high one I'm afraid. I need to call the doctor in and I need to check the incisions for signs of infection. I need you to step outside for that.“

„No.“

„Listen, dear, it's procedure. And you don't want to stay for this, believe me.“

„No!“

Danneel was scared and she was emotional and she wanted someone to blame for this mess unfolding in front of her that was pulling Jensen away from her again. She wanted to stay, wanted to be with him, wanted to will him to be okay and Margie wanted to take all of that away from her. It wasn't the nurses fault – deep down inside she knew that. But she didn't care. She needed to vent, take her frustration and anger and fear out on somebody and Margie seemed an easy target. She had always been so kind so far. But the stern, unforgiving look that suddenly flooded her face almost made Danneel take a step back. The older womans voice still wasn't unkind but it left no room for doubt who was in charge. Still it were the wrong words to say and Danneel was neither willing nor able to listen to reason.

„Keep your voice down, hon. Neither Jensen nor any of my other patients need this kind of disturbance. They're here to heal and get better.“

„But he's not! He was doing okay just yesterday, he was awake, talking to me and ready to get out of here. He was healing and now you tell me there's some sort of infection?! This was not supposed to happen! None of this was supposed to happen!“

The fight drained out of her as soon as she felt Margie's arms around her, pulling her into a soft hug. It was the only other option left because words did not have the desired effect here. The physical contact worked wonders though, worked a little too well as Margie had to realize when she felt the soft trembling of the younger womans shoulders. There was no sound, not even the lightest sob but Margie knew all the same that Danneel was crying. She let her voice drop to a lower level, returning to the soothing tone she usually used.

„I know dear. I know you're worried and I know you're scared. Believe me, I know. But you getting all worked up about it is not helping anyone. Let's just deal with the situation at hand, okay? It'll be fine.“

„You don't know that.“

„Of course I do. If years of experience have told me one thing it's how much a strong hold to family and friends can do for a patient's recovery. Jensen won't just give up on you.”

It was the right thing to say and Margie's words actually drew a small smile from Danneel. She reached out a hand, her eyes searching for any sign on her husbands face that he actually felt her touching him. Margie gently laid a hand on the younger woman's shoulder, forcing her to break the contact and leading her away from the bed and out of the room, never once stopping to talk to her while she did so.

„Now let's get yourself a cup of coffee and I'll get the doctor in here. I'll let you know what's going on as soon as we do.“

„Thank you, Margie.“


	14. Unfair

It had been a quiet morning for Jared so far and he had taken the time to get both his boys out of bed and surprise Gen with a breakfast table that was already set. He was doing his best to feet Thomas a bowl of cornflakes with milk without making too much of a mess when his cell phone started ringing on the kitchen corner. With a cloth napkin in one hand and a spoon in the other, he really didn't have much of a choice but to either let it go to voice mail or have Gen answer it.

He was pretty sure it was Danneel calling to tell him Jensen had finally been moved to that regular room the doctor and nurses had been talking about since late last afternoon. It meant he could take Gen with him today, maybe even one of the boys and Jensen would finally be able to see his little girl again. Visiting hours were a lot less strict outside of ICU and Jared was glad for his friend. The phone stopped ringing, the call having been redirected to voice mail, and Jared was focusing on Thomas and the mess he was making. There was about ten seconds of silence and then the phone started back up again.

A soft tugging in his stomach accompanied the feeling of worry that settled in now all of a sudden. Jared stared at the phone and watched his wife get up and reach for it, her facial expression suddenly tight. She turned the phone in her hand so that Jared was able to see the number flashing on the display. There was no need for Gen to say it out loud but the tone of her voice was almost worse than the facts he could see on the display.

“It's Danneel. Again...”

Jared dropped both the spoon and the napkin to the table, practically diving for the phone before the call would be disconnected again. If Danneel called with this kind of urgency, there was only one explanation. At least there was only one Jared could think of. She wouldn't have bothered him at breakfast with his family if it wasn't something important. It could only mean something had gone horribly wrong...

“Danneel what is it? What happened?!”

Jared didn't even bother to greet her as he answered the phone, cutting right to the point. On the other end of the line there was a long moment of silence and the he heard the most awful, gut-wrenching thing that send all his worries and fears into overdrive. Danneel was sobbing at the other end of the line – just like she had done that fateful morning when Jensen had first been admitted to the hospital. He could almost hear the internal struggle as Danneel fought for words and finally there was the muffled voice of somebody else in the background.

“You give me that, dear. I'll take care of it. Why don't you go sit down at the nurse's station, have Jenna get you another cup of tea.”

*#*

Margie hadn't waited for Dr. Mortimer to arrive and even though she knew it was against protocol she couldn't just sit around and wait for the surgeon to appear. Especially because she was almost sure she knew what had caused the fever. She had no clearance to adjust the morphine drip but Jensen was on the verge of unconsciousness anyway and she had no intention of being anything but gentle with him.

Jensen was no longer wearing the hospital scrubs but a set of pajamas with a button down shirt that allowed for easy access to the bandages which still needed frequent changing. Margie had last done that last night and there had been no signs of anything worrisome then. She didn't want to believe she had overlooked anything of importance but there was barely any other explanation. She opened the buttons, reached for a pair of scissors and started to cut through the bandages.

She managed to peel back the two outer layers of gauze without any trouble. That was where the good news ended though. The last layer of gauze was stained and sticking to the skin underneath. Margie tried to be gentle but couldn't help the pain Jensen experienced once the bandage came free. He gave a soft moan, shifted uncomfortably but didn't wake up. Margie pulled the bandage aside and her heart sank.

The surgical incisions that still had looked okay last night were puffy and red. The signs of infection were clear as day and from the time frame since the first symptoms had started this would be a hard thing to get back under control. She stared at the incision and winced when she heard the door to the room being opened forcefully. Dr. Mortimer had finally arrived but there was no comfort in that fact. There was nothing the doctor could do to make this better – at least not an easy way. Her gaze wandered between the signs of infection and the doctors face, her voice grave with worry. 

“We have a serious problem on our hands.”

*#*

“Margie, what happened?”

“There's a complication from the surgery, Jared. An infection of one of the surgical incisions. We don't know what it is exactly just yet but we're running some blood tests. Jensen has developed a fever that unfortunately is pretty high. We'll be setting up antipyretics and a more aggressive broad spectrum antibiotic as soon as I hang up. Maybe you could come in and pick Danneel up? She's pretty shaken up right now.”

Margie sounded matter of factly and confident but Jared still felt like his stomach had just dropped down to his knees. He had seen Jensen yesterday, had been looking forward to seeing his friend again and the last time Jared had spoken to Jensen, he had been alright. Actually he had been rather cheery about the prospect to finally get out of ICU because it meant there was progress. And now... now everything was on a downward spiral again. Jared swallowed hard. 

“How could this happen?!”

“It's not uncommon with surgeries like this. It's not the development that we wished for but it happens and we are very well equipped to deal with this. It will take a few days and it's a setback in his recovery, but Jensen will be fine.”

“You promise?”

“I'm a medical professional, Jared. I can't make promises like this. But I am confident.”

Margie sounded sincere but the fact that she didn't want to make any promises had Jared worried all the same. If the medical staff that took care of Jensen didn't want to get their hopes up, that certainly couldn't be a good sign. It took considerable effort to fight the urge to lay blame on Margie and anyone else who had taken care of Jensen so far and hadn't been able to prevent this. Actually there was something more important on the forefront of his mind. 

“Shouldn't Danneel stay with Jensen? He needs her...”

“What he needs is the right kind of medication and a clean room. We don't want to make this any worse than it is. Which means we have to cut down on visitors – drastically. She can't do anything for him right now anyhow. But she can take care of herself. And I need you to help her with this.”

“Okay. I'll be there in half an hour.”

*#*

It had probably been the longest drive of Jared's life or at least it had felt like it. There had barely been any traffic and still the twenty five minutes it took him to get from the beach house to the hospital felt like an eternity. Upon his arrival in ICU neither Margie nor Dr. Mortimer were anywhere in sight but the second, younger on duty nurse had a sympathetic smile for him and the information that Danneel was downstairs in the cafeteria where Margie had sent her to wait for him. It made sense – the was no waiting area in ICU – but it still felt heartless to Jared.

It was hard to just turn his back on the corridor that led to Jensen's room but he knew he wouldn't be allowed in there right now and even if he had a chance to see his friend, there was nothing he could do for him. It was all in the hands of the medical staff now. Jared could however do something for Danneel – if she would let him. As hard as it was, Jared left ICU again and made his way to the cafeteria. He found Danneel at the far end of the room, alone at a table, a styrofoam cup right in front of her that she stared at but hadn't even taken a single sip from so far. Jared approached her carefully, not wanting to startle her. Danneel didn't flinch when he spoke to her though. She didn't seem to care. There was a look of utter and complete defeat on her face that tugged at his heart and made him swallow down the lump forming him his throat. 

“Hey... Margie told me to come pick you up. You okay?”

“No... Nothing's okay... It's wrong, it's all wrong. Jensen was supposed to be okay. He was better...”

“I know... But I'm sure they''re doing everything they can.”

The words sounded all hollow and wrong in Jared's ears and it probably felt a hundred times worse for Danneel. But there was nothing he could have said to actually make things better and have her feel less helpless and worried. What he could do though was offer her friendship and support. He reached out a hand and gave her a smile that she didn't return. She barely even looked up at him. 

“Come on, let's get out of here.”

“No! I can't leave... I have to stay here. I need to stay with Jensen.”

It would probably have been the right thing to just be honest with Danneel and let her know that she wouldn't be allowed back into Jensen's room until his condition had improved. But Jared couldn't bring himself to do that. Danneel was devastated already, there was no reason to add to her misery. He took another step closer instead and gently put a hand on her shoulder, hoping the close contact would help his case. 

“Please, Danneel. Let the doctors do their work. There's nothing you can do for Jensen right now. But you can take care of yourself and you shouldn't be alone right now. Lets pick up JJ and I'll get you both to our house, okay?”

She didn't react for a very long time and Jared was almost sure she hadn't even heard him, when she finally nodded in agreement. She got up slowly, a soft swaying as soon as she was vertical and Jared kept his hand on her shoulder to steady her. She finally looked at her with red trimmed, tearful eyes and her voice broke with the softly whispered words full of desperation.

“I can't do this, Jared.”

“You don't have to. Not alone at least.”

“We don't deserve this...”

There was no argument on Jared's side because Danneel couldn't have been more right. Neither she nor Jensen deserved this nightmare their lives had so drastically changed into. They both deserved to be happy and healthy and good. He didn't know what to tell her, except for the obvious thing to say. It wasn't about words anyway, which was why he pulled Danneel into a hug before actually saying anything in return. 

“No. You don't.”


	15. Waiting game

The tension at the beach house was almost palpable and Jared questioned – not for the first time since he had brought Danneel and JJ here – if he had done the right thing. He had wanted for Danneel to have some company, somebody to soothe her, help her and keep her mind off Jensen's condition. It had backfired though. Danneel had not wanted their company, had declined the offer of having lunch with them and was now sitting outside on the porch, her little girl in her arms.

Gen was with her and Jared was grateful for the continued support. But the two women weren't talking and Jared wasn't even sure if Danneel appreciated Gens presence or if she was simply too worried and caught up in her own monumental problems to fight Gen on her presence. The only sounds inside the house was the careless banter of Thomas playing in his room by himself. Jared would have loved to just be there and enjoy the innocent joy of his son but somehow it felt wrong.

It wasn't the only reason though. Thomas was too young to comprehend what was happening. He had been happy about Danneel and JJ visiting but of course he had asked after 'uncle Jensen'. Jared had no answer for the boy. The only thing he could tell him was a little white lie and Thomas had been content but not happy to find out that Jensen couldn't be here today. He had sent Tom off before the boy could ask any further questions and now he had maneuvered himself into the dilemma that he couldn't distract himself and play with Tom because he was worried the boy would ask questions Jared had no answers to.

The ringing of a phone cut through the eerie silence of the house and made him wince. Outside on the porch Danneel practically jumped from her seat and almost dropped her daughter in the process. The sudden movement had caused the little one to wake up and make her unhappiness about that known as she engaged in soft whimpering. Jared watched Gen take JJ from Danneels arms who grabbed her phone and answered the call, her whole posture tense. It could only be the hospital, calling back with news about Jensen's condition.

Jared hurried to step outside to catch at least Danneels part of the conversation and hopefully draw some conclusions from that. He stepped next to Gen, who was softly rocking JJ in her arms, and put a hand on her shoulder. Watching Danneel closely while she was listening intently to whatever the person on the other end of the line was telling her, he could see how she seemed to get paler and paler with every passing second. She nodded absent mindedly, not realizing that the caller couldn't see, and barely asked any questions, her input on the conversation consisting mostly of yes and no.

She asked for clarification at one point, wanted to know exactly what it meant – whatever it was – wanted to know how long it would take – probably until Jensen's condition improved – and was obviously met with a negative answer when she asked if she could see her husband and be with him while he struggled through the fever that had gripped a hold of him. When she finally ended the call, all energy seemed to have drained out of her and she sank back down on the chair she had been sitting on, staring off into the distance. Jared wasn't sure it was a good idea to approach her, to demand answers but he was too anxious not to.

“What did they say?”

“The test results are back.”

Jared knew it wasn't fair to snap at her but his patience was wearing thin and he wanted all the unanswered questions to finally go away. Actually he wanted Danneel to tell him that the hospital had called with good news. But judging by the almost ashen pallor of her face it was nothing more than wishful thinking on Jared's part. At least his slightly harsh tone managed to get a reaction from Danneel. 

“And?”

“It's MRSA.”

“I don't get it. What does that mean?”

“It means the infection was caused by a multi resistant, extremely resilient, hospital bred bacteria that the standard antibiotics will do nothing against. It means they're screwed because all they can do is treat the symptoms but not the infection itself – not without even more risks. That's what it means!”

Danneels voice had picked up in volume with every word and sounded high pitched and almost hysterical when she finished. Her voice was thick with emotion and Jared could tell that she was fighting very hard to keep the tears at bay. He could completely understand and the urge to pull her up and offer he a hug was almost overwhelming. But he let her sit there, head buried in her hands and watched her ragged breathing as she tried to get her emotions back under control. Jared just stared at her, unsure how to help and it was Gen that finally asked the question Jared had on his mind. 

“What... what will they do?”

“They'll try anyway. An aggressive treatment with antibiotics for the infection. Antipyretics and chilled saline for the fever. If that doesn't work... there are other options. Options they need my consent for because the side effects are almost as bad as the infection itself. That's the facts.”

“How long until it works?”

“They don't know. It might not work at all.”

Neither of them wanted to ask what it wold mean if the treatment of the infection wouldn't work out the way the medical staff expected it to. There wasn't really much room for imagination here. Of the fever wouldn't be brought under control and the infection wouldn't stop ragging through Jensen's body, there was little to no hope for recovery. Jared didn't even want to continue the thought any further and he was sure Danneel felt the same way about it.

“And you can't see him?”

“No. They say it's too dangerous. Only nurses and doctors for now. Anyone else might track in further bacteria and that would make the infection even worse... They'll call with updates and they'll let me know when Jensen's well enough for visitors again.”

“Until then?”

“Sit and wait.”

*#*

Just as soon as Dr. Mortimer had left to call Jensen's wife, Margie had returned to her patients room in order to get him the proper medication he needed. She knew it was a loosing battle as soon as she had seen the test results and her heart sank. Jensen was still unconscious or at least unresponsive to any tries to raise him. He was pale, his complexion almost ashen and a fine sheen of sweat was clearly visible on his face and neck. Margie made a mental note to take care of that as soon as the medication was adjusted.

Jensen was still receiving the morphine and the nutritions as well as the saline through the IV drip. The saline was chilled now and Margie was busying herself exchanging the bag of antibiotics Jensen had received so far with another bag of medication that was supposed to target the infection more specifically and aggressively. The last thing she had to do was to get yet another IV line going for the antipyretics to do their job. 

She already had prepared everything she needed and had placed all the medical equipment for the new IV line on the bedside table. She took the cotton swap, dipped it in alcohol and carefully cleaned the inside of Jensen's arm. She could see his fingers of the same hand twitch but didn't give it too much consideration. It was probably involuntary. She was wrong though. When she gently inserted the needle of the catheter into his vein, Jensen drew in a shaky breath and let out a soft, barely audible moan. Margie looked up at his face and was surprised to find the eyes open – only half way, blinking sluggishly and the beautiful green of his eyes glazed over, but Jensen had woken up. Margie gave him a smile and a reassuring squeeze to his shoulder. 

“Take it easy dear. It's just another IV.”

“Why?”

“You need it.”

Margie didn't delve into any details. She was surprised enough Jensen actually managed to comprehend the situation and talk to her. Given his temperature Margie wouldn't have been surprised if Jensen had been too out of it to even wake up from the needle prick. But he was awake now, his eyes half open now and blinking heavily. He was restless, anxious and Margie actually hoped for him to fall asleep again. He wasn't helping his condition in trying to fight off the much needed rest.

“Don't feel good...”

“I know, hon. We're taking care of that now. You just rest and relax.”

Margie knew it was probably lost on Jensen but she tried to soothe him anyway. Maybe he would listen to her and actually close his eyes and sleep through the readjustment of his medication. But it didn't happen. Instead he tried to shift away from her – failing miserably – and she could clearly see the agitation growing as he was sweeping the room with tired eyes but obviously didn't find what he was looking for.

“Danneel...”

“She can't be with you right now.”

“What's wrong.”

To Margies surprise Jensen sounded curious but not exactly scared. He felt wrong, she could tell by the look on his face and she could also tell he was worried. He seemed to be able to comprehend a lot more than she was willing to give him credit for in his weakened state. And he had a right to know what was going on. Margie leaned in closer, her face inches away from his ear and she could feel the heat radiating off him. 

“Listen carefully, hon. Okay?”

“Kay...”

“You're very sick right now. You're having a fever and we're trying to make you better. So don't worry about a thing, okay?”

There was no sign of understanding in Jensen's eyes but a frown appeared on his face that Margie couldn't quite interpret. Maybe he hadn't understood after all, maybe it had been too much to hope for. He closed his eyes, the blinking more slow and sluggish now. Her heart poured out to him as he tried to shift into a more comfortable position, failed at it yet again and a sound between a huff and a groan escaped from his lips. 

“Too hot.”

“I know dear, I know. The drugs are gonna take care of that for you.”

“Hurts. Itches.”

She knew he meant the incision and reacted quickly enough to catch the flailing hands before Jensen could reach for the infected surgical wounds and do more damage than there already was. He probably wouldn't have had the strength to reach the wounds anyhow but it was better to be safe than sorry. She knew the pain the wounds would cause would only get worse the longer the infection lasted. 

“I know. I'll talk to Dr. Mortimer about it. I'm afraid it's gonna get worse... I'll see to it that you don't feel a thing of it, okay?”

“No sleepy drugs.”

“We'll see about that, hon.”

“Don't want them.”

Her stalling did not go unnoticed and Jensen was surprisingly stubborn about the matter. Margie had no intention to aggravate his condition by getting him all worked up about the medication. She didn't want to lie either though. She knew she didn't have to do much else but wait anyway. His strength was quickly fading and he had trouble focusing on her already. 

“I'm sorry dear. But you might need them.”

“Don't want...”

His breath hitched and Margie could tell that consciousness was quickly fading from Jensen. She watched as he blinked, rapidly at first, slower afterwards and let a hand rest on his shoulder when his eyes finally closed and his breathing evened out. 

“Rest dear. Just rest. You'll be alright. I promise.”


	16. Desperate measures

*6 days later*

It had been the longest and most terrible week of their lives – Jared was pretty damn sure about that.  
Danneel had spent most of her time cooped up in the guest room and Jared knew she had barely slept or eaten. She took good care of JJ and barely talked to them about anything. She didn't seem to have the energy for it. She was worried, scared and her emotions were running amok – Jared could tell. 

Finally – after five and a half days of two daily updates by phone from Margie without any chance for her to actually see Jensen in person, after all the waiting and worrying and obsessing about every worst case scenario there was, Danneel had finally snapped at Margie when the nurse had called this morning to inform her - yet again - that there still had been no change. Jared couldn't remember to ever have seen Danneel this angry and if he was honest with himself the intensity of her emotions had scared him.

Margie had promised to call back and when she had done so, it was the first time in a week that Jared had actually seen a smile on Danneels face. Dr. Mortimer had – albeit reluctantly - agreed to allow Danneel to visit Jensen. It would be only for a short while, with a strict set of rules and only for her but it was better than anything she had gotten so far throughout the whole week of waiting. Jared had offered to drive her to the hospital, which Danneel had taken him up on and while he was in the downstairs cafeteria waiting for her, Danneel had finally gotten a a chance to see Jensen again.

When she had returned to him she had been chalk white, moisture glistening in her eyes and she hadn't said a single syllable the whole way back to the beach house. Jared hadn't dared to intrude in on her thoughts but when they were back and Danneel still wasn't talking, worry had taken over the urge to give her privacy. He had coaxed he into the kitchen, had put a cup of coffee in front of her and had tried for a gentle and soothing tone that worked surprisingly well.

„How is he doing today? How's Jensen?“

„Not good. The medication is doing nothing for the infection and the fever. They want to try a new combination of drugs.“

„Again?“

„They won't tell me the truth probably because they want to cover their own asses but Jensen has been on antibiotics ever since the surgery. This thing is bad and it's resistant to the antibiotics they're giving him. They can't help him...“

Danneel sounded bitter and frustrated. Jared completely understood. The way she talked though, he was almost sure she had never actually gotten into Jensen's room but had only talked to Dr. Mortimer in person. She was supposed to visit her husband but the doctor had obviously used her visit to dump a very bad set of news on her while she was there. Jared wasn't sure if that was the reason why Danneel was this shaken up or if there was more to it. There was only one way to find out.

“Did you get a chance to see him?”

“Yeah...”

“Are you okay?”

“No.”

Jared didn't push her even though he really needed to hear an answer that consisted of more than just one word and would actually explain what Danneel meant. She needed time to deal with her own swirling emotions though and once she managed that, Jared got what he wanted. Danneel's voice was shaky though and she barely managed to look at him.

“He looks worse than on that first day, Jared. He's pale, almost grey and completely still. There's even more monitors, more IVs and he's back on that goddamn ventilator because they had to put him in a drug induced coma. They couldn't give him any more morphine but he was in pain and that was the only other option they had. I... I didn't even dare to touch him. I was scared to hurt him even more. Seeing him like this – again - it terrifies me.”

“I'm so sorry you had to go through all that alone.”

“It's okay. It's for the best this way. I wouldn't want to risk making it even worse by tracking even more germs in there... It's bad enough already. Really bad...”

“What did Dr. Mortimer say.”

The look on Danneels face darkened and Jared's heart sank. He had truly hoped the chance to see Jensen would be good for Danneel and would help her to feel better. It seemed he had been wrong. She sighed deeply, took a sip from the cup Jared had put down in front of her and didn't look back up at him when she answered. 

“He was... not sugarcoating it. I give him that much.”

*#*

Margie had given her ten minutes – ten minutes inside the hospital room to sit with Jensen, talk to him, finally have a chance to touch him again and see his face. It was a ridiculously short amount of time given the fact that it had taken almost twice as long to get scrubbed down and into the set of clean scrubs, gloves, a mask and something to cover her hair. She had taken her to Jensen's room , had offered her a smile and had opened the door for her.

Everything went downhill from there. Margie had not warned her this time and Danneel was unprepared for the sight in front of her. Jensen seemed lost in a sea of machinery, medical equipment, tubes, wiring and IV bags. The beeping of the heart monitor and the whooshing of the damned ventilator was way too loud in her ears and Jensen was too pale, too still... It was all wrong, all too horrible and Danneel had to fight hard against the urge to just turn and run.

She needed a full minute of the preciously little time she had to actually approach the bed. Jensen's pallor was ashen, a soft sheen of sweat on his face and arms and not even the slightest sign of movement, of life... She didn't dare touch him, barely allowed herself to breathe, afraid that even the slightest sound louder than a whisper would break her husband who suddenly looked so unbelievably fragile. The shadow of a man inside this bed was nothing she could actually recognize. Her husband was lost to her... 

She left early, the seconds stretching into eternity. Being here, finally getting what she wanted, gave her no solace whatsoever. The reality was even harder to deal with than the worst, nightmarish scenario that her mind had come up with so far. Margie was waiting for her outside when she left the hospital room, feeling defeated and completely hopeless. Concern was flooding her eyes – an emotion Danneel didn't really care for when she pushed the gloves and mask into the nurses hands.

“Are you alright, dear? Do you feel up to talk to Dr. Mortimer?”

Margie never received an answer but Danneel didn't just turn to leave either so the nurse took the chance and guided the younger woman back to the nurse's station. Dr. Mortimer was there and Danneel couldn't help the rage she felt as soon as the figure of the older man came into view. He was the one responsible for this ward, the one responsible for Jensen and his recovery. And he had failed – miserably. And now he had the audacity to smile at her.

“Mrs. Ackles. It's good to see you again.”

She didn't feel up to small talk and niceties. She wanted to lay the blame at somebodys feet and the physician was there and she was detached enough not to feel guilty about snapping at him. Margie was just as much in her presence but Margie was nice to her and Danneel actually liked her. Biting Margies head of for this whole disaster felt wrong to her . She didn't have the same moral code around Dr. Mortimer though.

“Is there actually anything helpful you have to tell me”

„Mrs. Ackles, I know you're worried about your husband but there is no need to be rude.”

“Well I disagree with that. So?”

She didn't give him a chance to make it up to her. She didn't fell he deserved it. For a moment it seemed to her that the surgeon actually debated making an argument out of her behavior. Rage and blame brought fire to the look in her eyes and that seemed to be enough to quench every thought Dr. Mortimer had on arguing with her. He tried for a smile, stopped himself before his lips curved upwards and tried for a more reserved but still friendly tone – a professional one.

“There's no... good news I'm afraid. Your husband is not getting better, not as of now at least. You're aware of that I assume, seeing him just now. We're doing everything in our power but his fever has gotten dangerously high. If we can't get it down he might have a seizure and the   
convulsion would most certainly rip the stitches. We need to get his temperature down and we need to do that now.”

“How?”

“We could try the conventional way - a higher dose of antipyretics, ice packs, cooled down saline and a cooling blanket. We could wait, see how it goes, wait if it'll be enough. I honestly only want to use another antibiotic as a last resort.”

“But...?”

“I am truly sorry, Mrs. Ackles but we're out of options.”

The silence that followed Dr. Mortimers words was deafening. Maybe pushing him like this hadn't been a good idea but Danneel had to admit that she actually appreciated the honesty – as brutal as it was to hear it. Her emotions towards the doctor hadn't really changed though and she didn't try to make the charged situation any better. She had heard half truths and attempts to stall her all week long. Here was her chance to actually be told what was really going on.

“What exactly is it that you want from me?”

“I need your consent to try one of the alternative medications. The drug of choice is called Vancomycin. It's usually rather tolerable but there are low risks for damage to the kidneys. There's also a very small chance of the drug causing a clotting problem which could trigger another cardiac incident.”

“So either my husband dies of the initial injury that brought him here or he dies of the secondary infection that you guys gave him?! Those are my choices?!”

She knew she was being cynical and probably very unfair but she didn't care. She wasn't a medical professional and that meant she didn't truly know anything about Jensen's chances. But she knew what she had seen and even a blind man would have realized that Jensen was doing badly and that there was sore need for a solution. If this was her only choice she had to make it but that didn't mean she was happy about it. The fact that Dr. Mortimer looked uncomfortable gave her at least a little satisfaction.

“I understand that you are angry and frustrated but I assure you we did everything in our power to keep your husband well. Yes, he is very sick right now and still recuperating from the surgery but he's otherwise in excellent health. He has good chances to come out on top. And even though this will set him back and prolong his recovery, he will go back home eventually. But for that to happen you need to give your consent to the treatment.”

“Is there actually a choice here?”

“No. There really isn't.”

The clip board with the sheet of paper she was supposed to sign was suddenly in the doctors hands like he had just waited for her to cave. Danneel felt betrayed but then again she had been feeling like this ever since Jensen's condition had taken a turn for the worse. She reached out a hand, taking the clipboard from the doctor none too gently and gave him a cold look followed by an even icier tone of voice.

“I assume you have a pen for me.”


	17. Looking up

It felt like waking up after a night full of cheap booze without any knowledge what had happened the previous day. Just that he wasn't actually waking up. He felt more awake than asleep but it was neither the one thing nor the other. It was hard to describe and Jensen lacked the energy to actually think about it for any length of time. What he did know without a doubt was that he was not supposed to feel like this.

It was hard to remember anything at all. Jensen knew there was something wrong with him and he knew he had been scared about it but he couldn't grasp the memory. He tried his hardest to push the nagging feeling aside and concentrate on his surroundings. He was lying down and it wasn't a comfortable feeling. His back felt like it was in knots and he could barely move as much as a finger. His throat hurt and itched, there was a soft throbbing in his chest and his eyelids felt like they were made out of led.

There was something else, something beyond the physical sensations. Jensen couldn't quite place it but the feeling he had was a soothing one. It took a long moment before he realized that it was the presence of another person. Somebody that was right beside him, holding his hand. The warmth of the other persons skin on his, was what caused the soothing feeling. He forced his fingers to move, managing a twitch and the hand holding his moved reflexively.

“Jensen?”

He knew that voice. It was familiar and even more of a comfort than the touch on his hand was. She was squeezing his hand tighter now and he could feel her breath on his cheek when she moved closer. Danneel. It was Danneel he suddenly realized. She was the one sitting watch next to him and she sounded relieved and worried at the same time. He needed to see her, needed to make her see that he was okay and that there was no need for her to worry about him. It was hard and it actually hurt but Jensen put all his strength into getting his eyes open and he was rewarded with the blurry image of Danneel's face that lit up with a smile as soon as his eyelids moved upwards.

„Jensen... Hey... It's so good to have you looking at me again. How do you feel?“

„Crap.“

„I know, hon. But you'll be fine now. Can you breathe okay? Are you in pain?“

“Throat...”

Jensen's answer was accompanied by a cough and he realized with horror how raspy and low his voice was. His memory was still fuzzy but he was sure it hadn't been like this before he had fallen into this uncomfortable sleep he had so much trouble to wake from again. Danneel sprang into action right next to him and it was too hard to follow her movement. But when she returned into his line of sight she had a plastic cup in her hands and a soft smile on her lips. She moved closer, reached into the cup and the very next thing he felt was the delightful coolness of a piece of ice on his lips and tongue.

“Here you go. Have an ice chip. It'll soothe the pain.”

The ice was slowly melting and running down his throat quenching the fire that seemed to burn in there. He enjoyed the feeling with a soft moan, allowed her to feed him a few more of the soothing chips before finally there was a moment of clarity and a memory came back to him. The memory of the exact same scene just with a different female lead. He looked up at Danneel failing at a lopsided grin.

“Deja vu?”

“Sort of. I'll explain, I promise. Any other pain?”

„Chest hurts.“

„I'll call Margie. She can give you something for that.”

Danneel was way to quick with her actions for Jensen's liking. It was dizzying to watch her move around the room. He knew she wanted to help because of the worry for him that he had seen in her eyes. But he couldn't focus on her when she was moving and he wanted to make sense of his garbled memory. Above all though he didn't want her to leave. He wanted that warm smile and that soothing touch and he was willing to deal with the throbbing in his chest if it meant that she stayed. 

“Danneel. Wait.”

“I'm here, hon. I won't go anywhere. Not if you don't want me to?”

She turned and was seated back beside him too quick for his still tired eyes to follow. Jensen allowed them to fall close for just a moment but forced them open again when Danneel shifted on her chair. He didn't want her to believe he had fallen asleep again. There was still a smile on Danneel's face when Jensen blinked her features back into focus. But that haunted look in her eyes hadn't vanished. She knew, he realized. She knew why he was feeling this weird and sick and weak. She had been there through it all and could make sense of the haze in his mind.

„What happened?“

„You had a fever. It's been almost eight days...“

„Can't remember...“

„No, of course not. You were asleep through most of it.”

“Still tired.”

She chuckled but there was no humor in it. Jensen was actually curious as to how he could still feel this groggy and out of it if he had gotten a week worth of sleep. A week of his life that had completely vanished into oblivion. It was scary to realize that all of this time was just gone and would never return to him. It seemed like Danneel had actually read his thoughts or maybe the distress showed too clearly on his face. But she was suddenly close, her hand grasping his and her voice a soothing whisper. 

“Don't worry about it. You've been through an ordeal and the meds don't actually help with it. They make you feel groggy.”

“Look exhausted...”

“I am. It's been a tough week. But it doesn't matter. It's over now. All that matter is that you're better.”

She didn't want to tell him what this week had meant for her and Jensen didn't have the energy to argue with her and make her tell him. Maybe she would tell him later, maybe he would have the strength to try again and have her confide in him later. Right now he was still trying to make sense of that week he had lost to a fever he didn't even know he had and where it had come from. Danneel probably knew but she was reluctant in giving information to him. Maybe she wanted to shield him, protect him but Jensen didn't need protection he needed answers. He tried for them carefully though. Danneel deserved as much. From the paleness on her face to the dark shadows under her eyes Jensen could tell how much this week he remembered nothing about had taken a toll on her. 

“You've been here all this time?”

“No. They wouldn't let me. You've been too sick for me to come visit. They allowed me here two days ago and Margie called me this morning when your fever finally broke and they knew you would wake up.”

*#*

When her cell phone rang in the guest room, Danneel all but jumped from the kitchen table she was sitting at with Gen, Tom and JJ, picking at her food and letting her coffee get cold. She cursed softly under her breath for not taking the phone with her. Gen watched the other woman leave and send a quick prayer – not for the first time – for good news. She strained her ears to listen and could hear the soft tremor in Danneels voice. 

“What is it? What's wrong?! Is he worse, didn't it work?!”

It was Margie on the other end of the line and she couldn't help but smile about the frantic tone in the other woman's voice. Maybe it was just a tiny bit cruel but she knew things Danneel didn't know yet and for once since this whole disaster following Jensen's infection had started she actually had a good and happy reason to call Danneel. After all the hardship it was a really good feeling. 

“Calm down, dear. The new antibiotics finally did their job. Jensen's fever is down and the infection is receding. I already cleaned the incisions and the infection is almost gone. We're weaning Jensen of the narcotics as we speak. He'll be off the ventilator in about an hour once the sedatives clear out of his system and he should be waking up in a little while. He'll be okay.”

“Thank you, Margie...”

“Not my doing. You should thank Dr. Mortimer though – he made the right call. Everything else is all on Jensen, he's the one who fought through this. He's a stubborn one.”

“I'll make sure to let him know.”

*#*

Danneel was actually grinning at him now once she was done telling him about the events of this morning. Jensen couldn't share her enthusiasm though. An infection. The post operative complications the doctors had told him were close to none because he was on that IV antibiotics had occurred anyhow. There hadn't even been a fair warning just a sudden onset and then there was only oblivion. With a sinking heart and a hard knot forming in his stomach Jensen was very well aware of the fact that oblivion could have been all that was left to him. He could have fallen into that sleep and never wake up again. He swallowed against the lump in his throat looking anywhere but directly into Danneel's eyes.

“Sounds bad...”

“It was. But it's all over now. Now you can get better and then I can take you home. Everything will be okay.”

Jensen wanted to believe Danneel, he really did. But he couldn't. What he did feel though was a growing pit in his stomach that was actually physically painful. He had been okay just a couple of weeks ago. Now he had undergone extensive surgery, his condition had been deteriorating, he had been weak, there had been the infection, the fever and now he was even weaker than before. Everything concerning this whole mess was far from okay... 

Jensen's thoughts were distracted by the sudden urge to close his eyes. He had been feeling exhausted and groggy throughout the whole conversation but now his eyelids were dropping and he couldn't help it. He blinked slowly once, twice and Danneel could see him hide back a yawn unsuccessfully. She reached for his chest, avoiding the bandages and placed it near his throat her voice soft and soothing.

“You're still exhausted, hon. You should go back to sleep.”

“Slept for a week...”

“You were sick and battling a fever for a week. You need to rest up to get your strength back.”

“Don't want to.”

He was fighting sleep, Danneel could see it. Her heart clenched in her chest when she realized he was afraid of closing his eyes again. He hadn't said a single word about it but he didn't need to. Danneel could tell by the drawn look on his face and the way his hands fisted into the bed sheet that he was anything but comfortable or relaxed. But he was better and he would wake up feeling less exhausted and more alert. She just needed to coax him into it a little.

“Don't take this the wrong way, hon. But I don't care. Sleep.”

Danneel followed her instinct, got up and sat down on the edge of the bed, being as close to Jensen as she could physically be right now. She kept a rhythm while stroking through his hair, caressing his cheek and waited for his eyes to close and his breathing to even out. There was still some fight left in him and he blinked more furiously now but finally the tension drained out of his body and Jensen was asleep yet again. 

Danneel just kept sitting where she was, continued what she was doing and let her thoughts drift while she listened to Jensen's breathing. The worst was over, she was sure of that and she was looking at the future that lay ahead of them with a lot more hope and positivity now. It would be a long way before she could take Jensen home, she knew that. But every step they were taking from here on out was a step in the right direction. She just needed to make him see that as well, needed to make him see a way back into normalcy. 

“Sleep well, babe. I'll be there when you wake up. I promise. I'll be there. Every step of the way.”

She was reluctant to actually leave but there was nothing she could do for Jensen while he was resting and gathering strength. She needed to look after herself just as much and after the rest of her friends and family. Now that all the horror of the last days was draining away, she realized just how much she had put a strain on the friendship with Jared and Gen because of her behavior. She wanted to make it up to them just as much as she wanted to help her husband.

The first step to reconciling – though both Gen and Jared would probably tell her there was nothing to feel sorry or guilty for – was to go back out there and let them know. Both Jared and Gen had opted to come with her and were currently waiting for her at the nurses station. Danneel was sure Margie had offered them a cup of coffee but that wasn't really why they had come here with her. She went up the corridor to meet them and was greeted with curious looks. 

“How did it go?”

“We talked. A little. He fell back to sleep. But he's so much better...”

“I'm glad. You think I could go see him?”

Danneel gave Jared an inviting smile. She knew he would be careful around Jensen and she trusted him not to disturb her husband's sleep. If this was a start to make it up to Jared for her behavior and a way to say thank you for everything they had done for her in the last week and even before that, she was glad to grant him his wish. 

“Sure. Just don't wake him up, okay?”

“Wouldn't dare.”

Jared could feel Danneel's eyes on him as he walked down the corridor to Jensen's room and forced himself to actually walk slow and not break into a sprint. He had been waiting for a chance to see his friend again for more than a week and it had all been horror and awfulness since the last time Jared had actually talked to Jensen. Being able to enter the hospital room and actually see for himself that Jensen was better was the reassurance he needed right now. Despite all of his excitement he was still very slow and careful once he reached Jensen's room. 

He opened the door without making a sound, slipped into the room and took small, deliberate steps to the bed Jensen was occupying. Jared only knew from Danneel's explanations how Jensen had been doing while battling the fever. Everything was not exactly good from the way his friend looked now but there was no tube down his throat, no battery of monitors and Jensen actually looked like he was sleeping peacefully. He was doing better, Jared knew that much and that was a perfect start. One he couldn't help but smile about.

“You have no idea how good it is to see you again, man... You had us scared.”


	18. The right kind of nursing

Jensen had slept through a day and a half while the last traces of sedatives were leaving his system and the aftereffects of both the fever and the infection were wearing off. There had been moments of waking but they had been few and far in between and the memory of them was fuzzy at best. There had been visitors – Danneel, Jared, Gen, even other friends and family, as well as doctors and staff and he was sure they had all talked to him but he could barely remember anything.

When he fully woke up the next time, Jensen immediately knew something was different. The smell, the noises, even the feeling of the mattress beneath him and the sheets on top of him were different. He was carefully blinking against the light of the room and a frown appeared on his face when he realized that even the room was different. This was not ICU any more. It looked a lot more... normal. Compared to ICU this room with its pictures on the wall, the vase of flowers on the nightstand and the tablecloth on the table in the corner was almost cozy.

A memory resurfaced from somewhere, a conversation he could barely recall and that he had no idea when it had taken place. It had probably been Margie or Dr. Mortimer telling him. They had informed him he would be transferred to a regular room. Obviously that had been today and he had slept right through it. He couldn't even remember any commotion around him. Maybe they had put him under for the transfer...

His instinct told him to take a look at the IV lines like he would be able to detect which medication had been given to him by just looking at the clear liquids. The first thing he realized was that two of the IV lines had vanished. If he remembered it right it was the IV saline and the antibiotics. There was only a small puncture wound covered by a piece of gauze and a band aid on the back of both his hands that were evidence of the catheters that had been there before. 

The monitors and the whole set of wiring that had been attached to him was gone as well and had been replaced by a pulse oxymeter on his finger. He even found a plastic bottle of water and cup on the nightstand encouraging him to finally have a drink on his own, not just saline and ice chips like the days before... Jensen could feel a grin spreading on his face. For the first time in days he actually felt better. This was an improvement – it showed in every last detail around him. And for now that was as perfect as it got.

His good spirits were taking a turn for the worse as soon as he tried to reach for the cup on the nightstand. Moving around was still difficult and exhausting for him. It went slow and even though it wasn't painful he still felt the soft tugging and throbbing in his chest that told him he actually would be in quite a lot of pain now if it weren't for the morphine in his system. Jensen wasn't willing to give up though. He felt better. He wanted to be better as well. 

Dr. Mortimer and Margie had been very clear on the fact that under no circumstances whatsoever was he supposed to strain his chest muscles. It meant no sitting up, no raising his arms and no strenuous movement whatsoever. Unfortunately there was no other way. He shifted in bed, tried to move on his side, held on to the railing of the bed to keep his place and reached out a hand. It was slow going and by the time his hand closed around the cup his arms was trembling from the strain forced on it.

Jensen gritted his teeth, unwilling to let this go. He knew he could do it, should be able to do it because this was something so ordinary and trivial that he had to be able to get it right. His fingers gripped the cup tighter until his knuckles turned white. Lifting his arm again seemed like a superhuman effort. But he managed. He spilled a little of the water while moving back his arm but he finally managed and now held onto it with both hands, feeling slightly light headed and a little out of breath when his body shifted back into its original position.

He needed to take a couple of breaths before he carefully lifted both arms to reach the cup to his lips. There was a soft twinge in his chest but he ignored it. The morphine would take care of that. He tilted the cup, took a sip and couldn't help but smile when the liquid hit his tongue. The water tasted a little stale, like the cup had been standing there for a little while but Jensen didn't care. He had done what he had set out to do. Maybe it wasn't much but he still felt proud about himself.

It took almost 15 minutes for him to finish the contents of the cup and when he was finally done, Jensen felt completely exhausted. There was no way for him to actually reach back up to the nightstand and put the cup away again and the task to reach over, grab the bottle and have a refill seemed superhuman to him. But it didn't matter. The cup was empty and he was content – that was all that mattered. He let go of the empty cup that landed on the bedsheets without making a sound and closed his eyes. Just for a second... Just to rest for a little while...

The next time he woke up the room still looked the same but when the clock opposite his bed swam into focus, he realized he had been asleep for two more hours. The empty cup was still on the bed and there was nobody sitting beside his bed. He was all alone. And he needed a bathroom. The water he had been drinking wanted a way back out and there wasn't really much of an option here. He looked around, tried to find a call button to ask a nurse for help but couldn't find one. Ignoring the tingly feeling wasn't an option either though.

Jensen looked around the room. There was the wooden door that led outside but there was a second door that lead to a small cubicle he assumed was the bathroom. If they had given him a room with it's own bathroom, he was probably supposed to use it. He had managed with the water cup, how hard could it be to actually get out of bed and to the bathroom. He just had to be careful with his chest. Pulling stitches or even worse and making his recovery phase even longer was very, very low on his list for things he wanted to experience.

The first step was easy. There was a remote control for the bed that brought him up into an almost sitting position. The next step was a lot less easier, he needed to get his feet over the railing of the bed without tangling his IV lines or ripping the catheters from the veins. Sounded manageable. At least they had conveniently put both IVs on one pole which would make it easier to maneuver. He managed arranging the plastic tubing without too much effort and realized the clip on his finger had to go as well if he wanted to get up. It was the least of his problems though. The thing didn't provide him with medication or anything else he needed. It just monitored him and it could continue to do that once he was back from his trip to the bathroom.

He pulled the clip from his finger and watched in fascination as the two lines – one for the O2 sats and one for his heart rate suddenly showed a horizontal line... Jensen had to swallow against the lump forming in his throat. His heart had been stopped and the bodily function taking over by a machine during surgery... He shook his head, clearing the thoughts away. He couldn't allow himself to think about this in detail. It would drive him crazy thinking about every detail of this ordeal.

Instead he focused on the task at hand which was to get his legs out of bed and his feet on the ground. The only problem was he could barely force his limbs to work the way he wanted them to. Jensen tried to concentrate, tried to move but he never got beyond that point. The door to his room suddenly flew open and a young nurse in scrubs and with a very stern look on her face bolted into the room, berating him as she moved closer to his bed. Jensen had never seen this woman before, had no idea where she had come from, why she was here and he certainly wouldn't let somebody who was barely old enough to legally have a drink tell him what to do.

“What do you think you're doing?!”

“Who the hell are you?”

“I'm this ward's on duty nurse. And you are not supposed to leave this bed. You're not supposed to move around, period.”

She was at the side of his bed, rearranging his IV lines, the pole the IV bags were on and tucked the blanket in around him again. All the while she had that condescending look on her face like he was a little boy who had reached into the cookie jar even though he had been forbidden to do so. Jensen didn't care for her behavior or the way she talked to him. He had to fight of the childish urge to yank the blanket from her grasp. The tone of his voice was pure acid though. 

“You should have thought about that before you put me into a new room without telling me a word about it and leaving me all to myself for the whole damn day. I had something to drink and now I need to use the bathroom – hence the moving around.”

“You don't need a bathroom. You have a catheter for that.”

“Excuse me?”

The nurse sounded matter of factly but to Jensen even the thought of some rubber tube allowing him to pee in a bag was a horrific thought. Nobody had told him about this so far though it probably made sense. Still there would have been better ways to inform him of the fact. Gentler ways. The nurse didn't seem to have a care in the world though and seemed actually annoyed with him that she had to explain it twice. 

“A catheter. You won't need the bathroom, no need to get up. So why don't we get you settled back into bed and you try to get some more rest.”

“But...”

“Just relax, lie back down and stop fidgeting.”

She wasn't even listening to him, didn't care that he had objections and busied herself with what she deemed necessary for his care. When she pulled up his hand to reattach the clip Jensen couldn't help but pull away from her with more force than necessary. She hadn't properly introduced herself, hadn't explained anything to him and was treating him no better than raw meat. There was no need to be polite with her – at least not in his opinion. 

“Where's my family?”

“Visiting hours begin in half an hour. They will be here then.”

Jensen had a hard time believing that in ICU Danneel had been allowed to stay the night and here they were enforcing visiting hours and were obviously stern enough about it that Danneel hadn't been able to convince them to let her stay. He ignored the insufferable nurse whose manetag read “Coogan” to the best of his abilities and she actually stopped fluttering around him like a moth around a flame. The last thing she did was drop a second remote on his bed after taking the empty cup away, refilling it and leaving it on the nightstand again.

“If you need any help, this remote holds the call button.”

“Could have placed that in reach from the start.”

“The sedatives weren't supposed to wear off this quickly. You woke up ahead of schedule. Now, is there anything else?”

Jensen's assumption about the medication for his transfer had been right and the nurse actually managed to make it sound like an accusation that his body had been fighting the sedative they had given him. She didn't show even the slightest sign of empathy and actually apologizing for the poor organization of his move to this new room wasn't even remotely on her mind. The only thing Jensen wanted right now, was for her to leave.

“No.”

*#*#*

Danneel was on time to the minute. Actually she was a couple minutes early and that produced a grin on Jensen's face when his wife entered the room and the clock read three minutes to midday. He wondered if she had sneaked past the nurses station or if the nurse had actually let the couple of minutes slide. Somehow Jensen couldn't imagine nurse Coogan letting anything slide with anyone. He didn't plan on asking Danneel though. He was still too angry with that nurse to talk with or even about her. 

It wasn't the only reason though. For the first time since he had first woken up in the hospital Danneel looked both happy and healthy. She would never have told him the truth but even though he had been hurting and under the influence of both sedatives and pain killers he had always been aware of the paleness on her face, the dark circles under her eyes, the thin line of her lips and the fact that no smile she gave him ever reached her eyes and had only been for his benefit. Now she looked like she had actually had a good night's sleep and the smile on her face was almost radiant. She was at his bedside and holding his hand, placing a soft kiss on his lips mere seconds after she had entered the room. 

“Hey, hon. God, you look so much better than the last couple of days. Less IVs, a lot more color on your face. This is great.”

“Yeah, I know. It's good, isn't it?”

He realized too late that he sounded both reluctant and a lot less enthusiastic than she had expected him to. The frown on her face spoke volumes of how easily she had detected that something was bothering him. Jensen hid back a sigh. He should have known better than to even try and hide something from his wife. Danneel caught on immediately and of course her first thoughts went to physical discomfort. 

“What is it, hon? Are you okay? Are you in pain? Shall I call the nurse?”

“No! No...”

“You're obviously upset. Tell me what happened.”

“I want Margie back.”

The words were out of his mouth before he had actually thought about them and he knew he sounded like a spoiled little brat. The look on Danneel's face told him all too clearly what she was thinking. She was too worried about him to actually argue with him but he could tell she believed he was being ridiculous. 

“What?”

“Margie, I want her back. She was always nice to me, caring and I trusted her. This one... she's a... well I'm sorry to be blunt but, she's a bitch.”

“Jensen...”

He had taken a step too far with what he had said already, which was why Jensen figured that it didn't matter anymore and the best way through this conversation was to stay his course. He didn't want to be petty and childish but there was no denying that he didn't like his new nurse and that he actually wanted Margie back badly. Maybe Danneel didn't share his opinion but he knew she would support him. She had done nothing but that for the whole time. 

“I mean it. I don't want her anywhere near me. She was rude, offensive and her bedside manner sucks. I'm a patient and I want the best possible care. This woman is not it. Margie works for this hospital. She can just as well do her work here.”

“And the other one?”

“Have her work ICU. Patients are unconscious up there most of the time anyway. She can be rude to them all she wants.”

Danneel wasn't exactly sure what she had stepped into here but something had obviously happened between Jensen and the on duty nurse that had not been pleasant. She wasn't a fan of the woman either. She seemed self-righteous and overly correct from what little Danneel had experienced upon coming here to visit. But still she felt Jensen was overreacting. She didn't want this to end in a heated discussion though and as reasoning with him had been fruitless so far, she decided it was best to just give in. It wasn't like it was her or Jensen's decision anyway.

“I'll have a talk with Margie if I can. Maybe there's something we can do about this. But you're just a patient, hon. You need to deal with what's handed to you.”

“I have been dealing with what's being handed to me enough for a lifetime throughout these last two weeks. Don't you think? Besides I don't think they want me complaining about this place...”

“You're pissed...”

Danneel sounded genuinely surprised and Jensen knew for a fact that he hadn't suddenly developed a new character trait. He made his displeasure known if there was any, which was exactly what he had done here. He realized it was because she had not been able to have a real conversation with him – one where he was actually able to keep his eyes open and manage more than a few breathless words – in quite a while. He felt better now and that meant he could explain.

“Of course I'm pissed! I put up with the pain and the weakness and the overall crappiness of this whole situation., I let them poke and prod me and I even lived through that godawful infection which was their fault. I put up with everything they've thrown my way but I won't put up with this. I want to get better and I want people around me who actually want to help me with that.”

“I'm sure we will find some way. Okay?”

“Okay.”


	19. A bit of family drama

*A day and a half later*

It was Jared's first visit to the hospital since Jensen had been transferred to a normal room. He had talked to Danneel who had been to see Jensen twice already and had taken both a travel bag full of clothes and other supplies and JJ to the hospital. Jared hadn't seen her since. She had left around midday and she had told them she wouldn't be back until late that night. She planned on a quick stop at home and a visit to a friend. She obviously needed a change of scenery and Jared couldn't blame her for that. Now that Jensen was better, Danneel was a lot more lighthearted and it was a good thing she actually did something other than staying at the hospital or cooped up in her guest room at the beach house. Jared was happy for her – for the both of them.

He had hoped for Gen and Thomas to accompany him but Gen had said no to that. It wasn't that she didn't care or didn't want to see Jensen but she felt there was no need to overwhelm him. It was only a few days ago that Jensen had still been in ICU fighting for his life. Jared knew his wife meant well and there was no point arguing with her anyway. But he had promised Thomas to take him to see uncle Jensen as soon as he was settled a bit. For now it was only him.

When he entered the corridor that lead to Jensen's room and passed by the nurse's station, Jared stopped dead in his tracks. He blinked and a grin spread on his face when he realized he wasn't imagining things. Jensen's on duty nurse hadn't seen him yet, being busy with a patient's chart and Jared gently laid a hand on her shoulder when he stepped closer though he still managed to make her flinch.

“Margie? What are you doing here?”

“I switched shifts per my patient's request.”

She caught herself quite quickly, put down the chart she had been writing something down in and gave him a smile. It was the first time he saw her smile in that detached, professional way that didn't reach her eyes and he needed a moment to realize it was because she was actually angry. He needed a moment to process the information she had given him but still had a hard time believing her. Asking for special treatment wasn't really his friend's style... 

“Jensen did this?”

“He asked, Danneel argued. They were pretty convincing, obviously.”

“You sound angry.”

Margie sighed, smiled a small smile again and this time it looked and sounded a lot more genuine. Jared had to hide back a grin. Strange behavior or not, he had known Margie wouldn't have been able to be angry with Jensen for long. Maybe she was used to dealing with critically injured or very sick patients but after everything Jensen, his family and the nurse had gone through, it was only natural she had developed an emotional attachment. Her smile grew a little wider now. 

“Not really. Not any more at least. I told Jensen I was no chess piece or property and he had no right to push me around.”

“And?”

“And he told me he trusted me. He felt I actually cared about him getting better. That was why he wanted me here. He told me I was an essential part of him actually feeling like he would be able to do this and get through recovery and back to a normal life. It was... pretty flattering.”

“Yeah, he's good at being flattering if he wants to... Hence the not being angry with him any more.”

Margie just smiled in response and there was something mischievous in her eyes now. Obviously she had been aware of that fact already. She picked the chart back up and waved Jared ahead. He was ready to go but Margie's last words stopped him from going ahead. They confused him and worried him quite a bit.

“You go right in, dear. He's awake. I'm warning you though. He's not in a good mood.”

“Why's that?”

“I don't know. But Danneel was emotional when she left, looked like she was fighting back tears, clung to her little baby girl like she was a lifeline, rushed out of here without saying goodbye... And Jensen wouldn't talk to me. I assume they had a fight.”

Jared's only reaction was a shake of his head. A fight was the last thing he had expected to happen between Jensen and Danneel. He had been there through the whole thing, had seen Danneel when she had first waited for information on Jensen, had seen how devastated she had been when the fever and the infection had set in and she hadn't been allowed to see him. There was no way the two of them would be fighting right now. The situation was too tense and important for them to do anything but stand together. 

“A fight? While he's still in the hospital, still recuperating? And with their little girl in the room?”

“As I said, Jared. I really don't know. You have to ask either her or – more conveniently for you right now – him.”

“I will.”

Jared was determined to get to the bottom of this. Even if it meant prying the information from Jensen who obviously wasn't willing to volunteer it. At least not to Margie. Maybe Jared would be having more luck He knew Jensen a whole lot longer then Margie. And a lot better. He was already on his way down the corridor when the nurse called after him. 

“Let me know when you find out, will you? Maybe I can help.”

“Sure thing.”

Jensen didn't look at him when Jared entered the room and at first he wasn't sure if maybe Jensen was sleeping at wasn't aware of his presence. His head was turned so Jared couldn't tell if his friend's eyes were open or not. But upon closer inspection he saw that Jensen's fingers were playing with the hem of his blanket. He wasn't asleep but deeply lost in thought. Jared approached the bed, carefully.

“Hey there. I met Margie in the hallway. She told me you weren't feeling so good.”

“No.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“No.”

Jared hid back a groan. Jensen was obviously in a silently brooding mode and snapping him out of it wasn't something that ever happened easily. So far his friend hadn't even bothered to look at him. Jared wasn't willing to give up that easily though. If he had done that every time Jensen had decided to shut him out of whatever was going on in his mind, they probably wouldn't be friends any more. Instead Jared did the one thing that almost always worked – going at it head on. He sat down on the edge of the bed and plastered a grin on his face.

“Come on, Jensen. That's what I'm here for.”

Jensen finally turned his head to look at him, shrugged and obviously regretted the motion. Jared knew it wasn't painful because Jensen was still on the morphine drip though it was on a much lower dose. It was probably just an awkward feeling, maybe a little tug or something. But it was enough that it bothered Jensen. Jared tried to ignore the reaction though – there were more pressing matters at hand.

“Is this about Danneel leaving in a hurry? What happened?”

“Don't...”

“Jensen, please. What's wrong with you? You haven't said a single coherent sentence since I came in here. Are you hurting? Tired? Do you need me to get Margie?”

“I'm fine, Jared.”

Jared didn't fight Jensen on his choice of words because he knew it would only cause a massive temper tantrum if he did. Jensen was anything but fine. He was still recovering from the effects that nasty infection had on him and it would be an even longer stretch of time for him to be anywhere close to his normal, healthy self. Apart from that he was preoccupied and in a bad mood right now. None of this could be described as alright.

“Something is bothering you. I've known you long enough and spent way too much time with you not to notice something like that. So just spit it out and stop obsessing over whatever it is that's eating at you.”

There was another long stretch of silence but Jared could tell by the way the expression on Jensen's face tightened that his friend was trying to find the right words to explain his problem. When he finally did utter a full sentence, carefully avoiding to look anywhere in the direction of Jared's face, the words made no sense to the younger man.

“D brought JJ today.”

“I know.”

Jensen didn't volunteer any further information but he didn't look away either so Jared took this as a good sign. Jensen might not be willing to tell him what had happened but he wasn't willing to throw Hared out and deal with this all alone either. Even though Jared already knew from Margie that something about Danneel's visit had obviously gone wrong, he decided to play dumb. Hopefully that would be enough to maneuver Jensen out of his funky mode. 

“But... that's a good thing, Jensen. Didn't you want to see your little girl?”

“Of course I wanted to see her!”

“I don't get it.”

“She was scared, Jared. That's the problem. She was scared of me. She started to cry. And I couldn't even pick her up, take her in my arms and make it better. I made my baby girl cry and I couldn't do a thing to help her...”

Jensen's voice was shaking and then finally broke as he was unable to finish what he was about to say. Jared felt a lump form in his throat. He didn't even want to imagine what it would be like to be unable to pick either one of his boys up to soothe and calm them if something had given them a scare. He could sympathize deeply but even though he did, he didn't see any reason for Jensen to beat himself up over it.

“It wasn't your fault, Jensen.”

“Of course it was. I'm the one who is ill and unable to do a thing as simple as take my own daughter into my arms. She doesn't understand it. She's too young, too innocent for all of this and when Daddy didn't pick her up she cried. She was scared...”

“She was sad and it was just this one time, Jensen. You'll get better and then it'll be okay. Everything will be okay again.”

“How could you possibly know that?”

“Because I know you.”

Jensen didn't have a response for that and just stared at him. When there finally was a small albeit still reluctant smile on his face, Jared took it as a good sign. Maybe Jensen had a hard time to do so but he believed him. Jared took it as a cue to change the subject and he went for a lighter, more teasing tone when he did so. 

“Now please tell me you didn't fight with Danneel.”

“No, of course not. But we agreed it would be best if she brought JJ back home.”

“It was probably for the best. She'll be okay, Jensen. And I'm here to make sure you're okay. I picked up a couple of magazines for you, Gen picked a book for you to read or maybe we could watch some TV?”

Jared dumped the whole set of entertainment into Jensen's lap and got a smile in return. Jared grinned at him. Danneel had obviously had the same thought because there was already an MP3 player, a cellphone and two books on the nightstand next to Jensen's bed. Jensen didn't mind the extra gifts though. He knew he would spent a lot more time here and he had to fill that time with something other than staring at the whitewashed walls. He picked up one of the magazines and gave Jared a genuine smile. 

“Thanks, man. You know, for all of this.”


	20. A plan of attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. It has been a busy start to the new year so far...   
> Hope you like the update.

Danneel had been up early this morning, too early for her own comfort. But she had seen the good in that and had made her way to the hospital early that day. It was only a couple of minutes past 8 am when she entered the corridor that lead to Jensen's room. Margie wasn't there yet, the on duty nurse was a younger but equally friendly and helpful woman and she smiled when Danneel passed by the nurse's station. 

She found Jensen with the bed in a sitting position and a tray table in front of him containing a half eaten breakfast. Danneel hadn't been to see him in the morning this far and even though she had known he was of the IV saline and nutritions, she hadn't expected to see him on a normal diet again. The surprised sound in her voice made him grin back at her. 

“You're having breakfast.”

“Every morning since they took me down here, hon. The fact that I have to pee the tea in a bag once it comes back out is a lot less dignifying though.”

“Always with the glass half empty...”

Danneel hadn't meant to sound condescending and she regretted it immediately when Jensen's face fell. She hadn't even sat down by his side yet and already she was giving him grief about his attitude. She had misinterpreted his reaction though and she was glad to see him smile after a few seconds of quietly contemplating what she had said to him. He shook his head in response and she was almost surprised how calm and content he sounded.

“I'm not. I'm really not, D. I'm getting better, I feel stronger, healthier. I'm... happy.”

“I didn't mean to tease, babe. You're right. And I'm happy you're happy. Believe me. Never been happier about anything...”

Before she could sit down, Jensen had grabbed her by the arm and tugged on it lightly. She wasn't exactly sure what it was about because he hadn't said anything yet. Instead he pushed the tray table aside with his free hand and patted down on the mattress. He let go of her arm and carefully tried to maneuver himself to the other side of the bed. 

“Come here.”

“What do you think you're doing?”

“I'm scooting over so you can lie down next to me.”

Danneel watched Jensen's efforts and couldn't help but flinch when she saw his face tighten with discomfort. The hospital staff and the doctors had told him over and over again that he was supposed to not put too much strain on his chest muscles. It was risky beyond believe and she didn't want him to hurt himself. She knew how stubborn Jensen could get, especially with the recovery effort and she tried to get him to stop – to no avail though.

“I shouldn't. I don't want to hurt you.”

“You won't. Just come here, put your head on my shoulder and avoid the bandages.”

“I...”

“It'll be okay, D. I'll be fine.”

He gave her a smile, a happy, genuine smile and all will to argue with him over this faded away. She took a step closer, sat down on the edge of the bed, kicked her shoes of and lay down next to him, doing as she was told. She felt his arm around her waist, felt his fingers drawing lazy circles on her hip and the warmth of his body on her cheek when she leaned into his shoulder. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, taking in his scent and couldn't help the small moan that escaped her lips. 

“God, I missed this. I missed you.”

“I know. Feels like weeks since we've done this...”

“That's because it has been.”

She looked up at him, a shadow passing over her face at the thought of what had happened throughout the last few weeks and all the horrors they had gone through. Jensen seemed unfazed but then again he barely had any recollection of the days that had passed since his surgery. He had been unconscious through most of it. He had seen the sad expression on her face though and his grip around her tightened. Danneel gave him a reassuring smile and laid her head back down. They stayed like this, just enjoying the intimacy of the moment. It was Danneel who finally broke the silence. 

“You smell of yourself again.”

“Thank you?”

She could hear the baffled tone in Jensen's voice who obviously couldn't make any sense of her words. She couldn't blame him. They hadn't talked about this before and it felt stupid mentioning it now. But it had been on her mind ever since Jensen had been transferred and she had been allowed to bring him his own clothes. It was just another step in the right direction and she wanted him to know about it. 

“Sorry, it's just... When they first brought you here and I had a chance to visit all I could smell on you was antiseptics... Everything's so much better now.”

“How's JJ?”

The sudden change of topic startled her but she could understand. She didn't need to look up to know Jensen was wearing an uncomfortable expression on his face. She certainly didn't mean to make him feel awkward and grasped the chance to talk about something else. JJ was a safe topic – as long as she wouldn't have to argue with him about bringing her back here again. After last time, she didn't want to risk another fallout like that. She looked up at him, empathy in her eyes. 

“She's okay, babe. I left her with Gen and the boys.”

“I'm so sorry...”

“None of it was your fault. I didn't think it through. I never should have brought her. She was so eager to see Daddy...”

“And now she's not anymore?”

He sounded bitter and even though she could understand the feeling, she was angry with him for taking the blame. She had been the one to bring JJ here and that had been a misjudgment of monumental proportions. She sat up carefully, avoiding to put any pressure on his arms or chest and locked eyes with him, hoping she could make him listen, make him understand. 

“Of course not. She still wants to see you, wants to be with you. But as little as she still is, I think she gets that you need to get better. She... understands she can't be around you right now – not like she's used to.”

“This sucks.”

He sounded frustrated but the bitterness had left his voice and that was a good thing. Danneel carefully draped an arm over him without so much as touching the bandages that covered the surgical incisions. She could hear him take a deep breath and at first she thought he was in pain. It took a moment for her to realize that he was actually enjoying the moment. When she looked up at him, his eyes were close, his facial expression relaxed. Danneel reached up a hand, cupping his cheek before letting go again.

“I know. But it's only for a little while longer. You will get out of here eventually.”

Jensen opened his eyes and nodded in response. Even though the wariness hadn't completely left the look in his eyes, she was sure he believed her. Ever since the transfer to a normal room and most of the IV lines and monitoring equipment having been removed, he was actually willing to believe that there would be an end to this whole nightmare. They were interrupted by the door opening. It was Margie – she had just started her shift – who dropped in on them, giving them a smile when she found both of them on the bed sitting together. When Danneel stiffened next to him and tried to get up, Jensen held onto her arm, giving Margie an apologetic smile.

“Hey you two lovebirds. This is a hospital, not a hotel room... or your bedroom.”

“Sorry, Margie. It was my idea.”

“I don't care and I certainly don't mind. Just don't let Dr. Peters see you together like this. He'll throw a fit.”

Dr. Peters was the physician in charge of the ward Jensen had been transferred to. He was a competent doctor, soft spoken and almost a little shy. Jensen had to admit he liked him better than Dr. Mortimer but Peters always seemed kind of... intimidated around him and Danneel. Jensen hid back a grin thinking about how a confrontation would work out if the doctor actually walked in on them like this. Jensen would expect him to blush. But maybe forcing the issue was just a tiny bit childish.

“He around?”

“Yeah, he's making his rounds. He brought a physical therapist with him and a nutritionist.”

“Does this mean visiting hours are over?”

“No. Actually you're encouraged to say. This is about you just as much as it is about Jensen. These people are here to help you find a schedule that'll help both of you to return to a normal life. But maybe you should decide on a less casual way to meet them.”

Danneel nodded in response and even though Jensen really didn't want her to leave his side, he knew it was best to be reasonable about this. He didn't want to cuddle with his wife while talking to a bunch of doctors about his treatment options. Reluctantly he let go of Danneel and watched her slip from the bed and onto the chair next to his bed. He felt a pang of jealousy watching how easily she managed to maneuver herself back onto the chair. Faced with the same task, Jensen wouldn't even have managed to sit up on the side of the bed without help. He was still too weak for that...

He dropped the thought, pushing it back to the dark corners of his mind. The doctors visits were about progress, about options – in one word they were about recovering. Positiveness was the one thing that would help him just as much as anything the doctors and the medical staff had to offer. As if on cue, the door to his room opened again and Dr. Peters entered with a middle aged man and a younger woman in a lab coat in tow. He gave Margie a quick nod before he stepped up to the bed, reaching out a hand in greeting first to Jensen, then to Danneel.

“Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Ackles. This is Drs. Harper and Miller. They're...”

“The physical therapist and the nutritionist.”

“Margie told you, I assume. Yes they are. We're here to discuss treatment options with you and work out a schedule for your recovery. We thought we should give you a couple more days and start the treatment on Monday.”

“Sounds good.”

Dr. Peters gave them one of those detached, professional smiles that didn't reach his eyes before he took a step back, leaving room for the other two physicians to introduce themselves. The male doctor stepped up first, a firm grip to the handshake, which left only one assumption to Jensen that was quickly confirmed by the older man. 

“I'm Dr. Harper, the physical therapist. I've scheduled you for some light therapy for now - mostly to rebuild some strength in your extremities so we can get you back up on your feet again. There should be some specified cardio training once you feel up to it. But for the moment we have to be careful with the therapy though. Straining the chest muscles too much will only give you grief. But I'm especially trained to take care and help patients like you. You'll be back to your old strength in no time.”

“Is that a promise?”

“A statement.”

“You'd be the first one to actually do that. So far all I've gotten are maybes and possibilities.”

Jensen gave Dr. Peters a pointed look but if the doctor felt in any way attacked or insulted by the comment, he didn't let it show. He probably hadn't even picked up on it. Dr. Harper on the other hand gave Jensen a grin that looked almost mischievous. From first impression Jensen had to admit that he liked the older man. He was different from the doctors that could hardly be pressed to give him a straight answer even at the best of times. 

“Well physical therapy is not about maybes and what nots. Either you go through with it or you don't. It all depends on you and how hard you're willing to work.”

“Very hard. You can believe me on that one.”

“Good. Keep up that attitude and I'll be able to help.”

Dr. Harper took a step back and placed a hand on the female doctor's shoulder. She smiled – first at the doctors, then at Jensen and Danneel. She was petite and in all respects completely different from her colleague. She took a few sheets of paper from the clipboard she was holding and Jensen was surprised when she handed both him and Danneel a set of documents. So far Dr. Peters had almost been secretive about the recovery phase. It was the first time Danneel was actually present throughout these visits and it was a nice surprise that Dr. Miller tried her best to include his family in the process. 

“I worked out a dieting plan for you. It's probably different from what you're used to but it's necessary for you to recover and to to give your body a chance to heal the best and quickest way possible. It's only for your hospital stay though. Once you're out of here, a cardiologist will help you set up a dieting plan for your every day life.”

“Sounds good.”

“Maybe you want to take a closer look then. This plan is only for this week. It's mostly low fat, low carb, high vitamins.”

Danneel had already taken a look at the chart like plan for the week and Jensen had to admit it didn't sound too bad. It wasn't like he or Jared were forced to keep a certain diet for the show but eating healthy helped a lot to keep up the strength that was needed for the more physical aspects of their every day work. Basically this dieting plan didn't expect anything from him that he couldn't handle. Though he was certainly sorely missing a couple of items on the list.

“Doesn't sound too bad. Though I could do with a little more red meat.”

“That would be a bad option with your condition. I know this is a change and I know it won't always be easy but there are certain things you should cast out of your eating habits permanently.”

“Like red meat?”

“For example.”

It wasn't the only thing missing from the chart and even though he was aware that things like pie or sweets or fast food would be off the list for a while but he certainly didn't plan on taking little treats off the menu completely. Dr. Miller however seemed oblivious to the hardship her proposed changes caused. Jensen let the sheet of paper sink to his lap and looked at the woman, trying not to sound as harsh as he would have liked to right now. 

“I'm not sure I like that.”

“I'm afraid it's something you'll have to deal with.”

“Yeah. Just one more thing on the list.”

Jensen was unable to keep the sarcasm from his voice any longer. Dr. Miller's face fell almost immediately and it was obviously only now that she realized she had managed to upset him. She was quick to react but the last thing Jensen wanted right now was her sympathies. It did nothing to change the facts and he certainly didn't want to be pitied for a situation he hadn't wanted and had no control over since it had happened to him.

“I know this is hard...”

“Do you? Really?”

“Jensen...”

There was an understanding but none the less warning tone to Danneel's voice and though it wasn't easy, Jensen tried his best to keep his frustration in check. There was no reason to lash out at the female doctor who was just telling him how things would be from now on and who was trying to help. However that didn't make the apology any easier and he had to force the words out. If Dr. Miller picked up on his lack of conviction though, she didn't let it show. Instead she smiled and it seemed genuine to him.

“I'm sorry.”

“There's nothing to be sorry for. We have a lot of experience with patients with your kind of illness and it's never easy to fight through recovery and all the changes that come with this. But that's what we, the staff and your family and friends are here for. We're here to help.”

Danneel beside him, reached for his hand, squeezed it gently at the doctor's words and gave him a smile and a nod. Jensen mirrored the gesture and took another look at the sheet of paper in his lap. Maybe it wasn't all good and maybe it would never really be perfect but if the dieting plan was any indication, his condition, this ominous new life everybody was always referring to, was manageable. And that was good enough for him.


	21. A bad day

*Sunday afternoon of that same week*

Jared had taken today's morning off on 'hospital duty' as Gen had affectionately started calling it and had spent half a day with his wife and his boys at Disneyland. It had been a nice change of scenery, one that had made him almost forget about his sick friend in the hospital. The worries returned as soon as he, Gen and the boys returned back to the beach house and Danneel wasn't back yet. She didn't answer her cell phone easier and even though Jared was sure she had let them know if something had happened, he still was worried about her lack of response.

Gen had tried to assure him but the drive to the hospital had still gone by in a blur of negative emotions. That feeling in the pit of his stomach that something was wrong or at least off just wouldn't go away. It was further fueled when he finally entered the ward and walked down the corridor to Jensen's room, passing by the small visiting area and stopped dead in his tracks when he found Danneel sitting there, arms crossed in front of her, eyes fixed on the window, her whole posture stiff and tense, her facial expression stern. She looked up and at him when Jared entered through the doorway but there was no smile, not even a nod of acknowledgment.

„Danneel? What are you doing out here? Is something wrong?“

„There's something wrong alright. Jensen threw me out.“

„He... What?!“

Jared had one of those rare moments in life where he was absolutely sure that the fabric of reality had somehow just taken a turn to a place where it was not supposed to be. The moment was surreal and he was almost sure he had heard it wrong. After everything that had happened he couldn't even imagine a single reason why Jensen would not want Danneel around. But here she was sitting in the waiting area, obviously angry and feeling insulted.

„He told me to get lost.“

„He did not.“

„Well I guess I must have heard it wrong then.“

„Danneel, what the hell? He wouldn't do that.“

„And still here I am.“

The icy sarcasm in her voice send a chill down Jared's spine. He hadn't heard her talking like that since... Actually he couldn't recall ever having heard that much venom in her voice. Something had obviously gone wrong between her and Jensen but she was unwilling to talk about it. She was heard because of it and somehow Jared couldn't believe that Jensen felt much different. Jared stepped further into the room and sat down next to Danneel, even though she obviously didn't want him to. At least her facial expression told him as much but Jared didn't give up that easily and Danneel finally gave in with a sigh.

„Please just tell me what happened between you two?“

„It was all fine. At least I thought so. I mean he's finally doing better and he's off the heavy duty antibiotics and he has been transferred to a normal room and Margie said he was well enough to take a little trip outside. He was thrilled about it, excited for the change of scenery. At least until the moment Margie brought the wheelchair and then all hell broke loose.“

„I don't understand...“

„Neither did we! I mean he had to have known he wasn't walking out of that room. He was in that hospital bed for two weeks, unable to even lift his head, that goddamn infection wracking havoc with his system. He's weak and that wheelchair was the only option. But he wouldn't listen to reason. He threw a tantrum, kicked Margie out, kicked me out and he was none too polite about it.   
I mean we fight. Which couple doesn't? But even when we do, he has never ever talked to me like that. He can be cold and purposefully hurtful in a fight. As can I. But he never cursed at me like that. I don't know what the hell has gotten into him.”

Danneel still sounded angry and frustrated but there was an underlying defeat in her voice that made Jared react on instinct as he reached for her forearm and gently squeezed it. There was still no smile on her face, not even a softening of that harsh expression on her face but at least she didn't pull away. Jared couldn't say he didn't understand her reaction. But he was also sure that things had spun out of control – big time. 

„And you haven't gone back in there since?“

„No.“

„Danneel, I'm sure he didn't mean it. He's probably sorry but he can't come out here and tell you that he is. Why don't you go talk to him again. He'll apologize, I'm certain.“

„He can ask somebody to get me if he wants me there. I won't let him walk all over me and expect me to come crawling back in there. I know he's sick and he's miserable about it but that doesn't give him the right to treat me like crap.“

„He knows that.“

„Does he? Well he can apologize as soon as he realizes he was wrong.“

She was being unreasonable but Danneel lacked the objectivity to realize that. Jared didn't blame her. But being angry at each other and shutting each other out certainly wouldn't help Jensen get better. Somebody needed to make the first step here and the fact that Danneel was still out here angry and sulking, told him that Jensen had been as unwilling as his wife to apologize for something they both knew they should be sorry for. He got up abruptly, walking away from her but was interrupted mid stride.

„Where are you going?“

„I'll go talk to him. If you two decide to act like spoiled children at least one of us has to behave like a grown up. So I'll do it.“

„Good luck with that.“

She didn't thank him, didn't stop him and her words hadn't been meant in a kind way. Jared didn't care though. As long as the end result was that the couple would be talking again, his little mission would be accomplished. He left Danneel behind and walked down the corridor to Jensen's room as he had intended to do in the first place. Jensen didn't look up when Jared entered the room, unknowingly mirroring his wife's actions outside in the waiting area and staring out the window like there was something utterly important outside. Jared approached the bed carefully, his voice level and soft.

„Hey buddy, how're you doing today? Danneel told me you had a fight with her?“

„Go away, Jared.“

„Come again?“

„Go. Away. Now.“

There were only two viable options here – he could either give up the same way Danneel had done, go back to her and let her know that he had miserably failed being the grown-up or he could be stubborn and stay. Something was obviously bothering Jensen, something that made him angry enough to yell at that angel of a nurse and his own wife. Something he needed to talk about and that's what friends are for after all. So instead of an organized retreat, Jared took a step closer to Jensen's bed.

„No. I won't go anywhere and I hate to break it to you but you can't make me.“

To make his point clear, Jared let himself drop into the chair beside Jensen's bed. His friend was being stubborn though. He had given up staring outside but he wouldn't look at Jared either and he was yet to utter another word. They sat there in uncomfortable silence for what felt like minutes though it probably was no less than 30 seconds before Jared couldn't take it any more and broke the silence with one try and then another. At least he got somewhere with it because Jensen decided to finally look at him, fire in his eyes and venom in his voice.

„Come on, Jensen. Just talk to me. Please?“

„Danneel told me you were supposed to take a trip outside today. Get some fresh air, have a change in scenery? Sounds nice.“

„Yeah, it's downright exhilarating. Just that I can't actually do any of that.“

„Of course you can...“

Jared's soft, overly cheery tone of voice managed to finally make Jensen snap. His eyes narrowed and he tried his best to maneuver himself into a more upright position so that he would be eye to eye with Jared. He regretted the motion instantly as soon as his hands pushed against the soft mattress below him and pain lanced through his chest. He stopped, dropped back into the pillows but the venom was still there – full force and almost made Jared flinch.

„No, Jared! I can't even get out of this damn bed on my own. I can't get up, I can't walk, I can't even use crutches because I'd risk ripping the stitches. I can't do anything on my own. Couldn't even use that goddamn chair on my own because I need upper body strength for that, which I can't use. Stitches again. So no, I'm not going anywhere.“

„You could. If you were – for once since this whole mess has happened – willing to let people help! There's a whole bunch of professionals around trying to get you healthy. Your wife is here, your family is here, I am here and you won't let us help you. There's no need to go through all this alone. And you know this. So why don't you put that misguided sense of stubborn pride aside and let us do what we're here for?!“

Jared's anger had flared and now there wasn't so much he could do to bring his point across. He got up, turned around and was ready to leave. He knew it was risky because if Jensen decided to stay stubborn, he could go sit outside with Danneel and be angry at him but neither of them would gain anything from it. They would all be miserable and not talking to each other. But Jared couldn't believe that Jensen would let it get that far. Relief washed over the younger man as Jensen didn't disappoint his believe in him. 

„I'm sorry.“

„Don't be sorry. Be civil.“

Jensen nodded in agreement and suddenly an expression of utter embarrassment flooded his face. Jared had no trouble imagining what his friends reaction was about. He had no idea what had been said between the couple but after everything Danneel had told him, it must have been a rather harsh discussion. A fact that Jensen seemed to realize right now. He looked up at Jared, having a hard time to form a proper request.

“Could... could you ask Danneel to get back in here?”

“Of course I will.”


	22. Breaking the habit

*Two and a half weeks later*

Jensen's hospital room started to remind Jared of one of the hotel suites they got when they were at a convention somewhere outside of Vancouver. It was cluttered with books and music, a notebook, a cell phone, flowers and get well soon cards from friends, family and fans. There were clothes strewn over the chair in the corner of the room, magazines and a deck of cards on the table and a second, colorful blanket on the bed atop the light blue one the hospital provided. The whole room had a personal touch now and that made it infinitely better. But it also scared Jared a little because it was testament of how long Jensen had been in the hospital already.

And of course there were the little things that were added to the mix and especially the ones that were missing that gave it away as a hospital room. There was a pill dispenser and a water bottle on the bedside table because Jensen still got his fair share of blood thinners, beta blockers and – of course – pain killers. There was an oxygen tank in the room because sometimes his O2 sats dropped because the pain from the surgical incisions made it hard to breathe properly and there was the wheelchair Jensen still needed when they took him outside for longer stretches of time. And then there were the things missing – like empty coffee mugs or candy wrappers or anything that gave away the presence of unhealthy food. Instead there were medical volumes and dieting charts and exercise plans. It might've been more lively now but it would never stop being a hospital room. 

Everything was so much better than it was just two weeks ago. The IV lines were gone, physical therapy had started and Jensen was pushing himself to the limit. He was back on his feet, though he couldn't walk long distances on his own yet but he managed a walk down the hospital corridor and back. He was back on actual real food, he could make his way to the bathroom and the shower, he stayed awake through a whole day without feeling tired even once. Everything was good.

Still Jensen seemed to have settled in here pretty well and Jared – unlike Danneel and Jensen's parents – did not think that was a good thing. Jensen shouldn't want to be here. He should want to be home with his family, on his way to a full recovery. But instead he lingered, hid himself inside the walls of the hospital and seemed to have no desire to leave. Jared wanted to know why and he was pretty sure that wasn't a conversation Jensen wanted to have. He' would try anyway. That was what friends were for.

Jensen wasn't there when Jared entered the room but Margie reminded him that there was nothing to worry about. Jensen was at physical therapy and would be back within the next half hour. So Jared decided to settle in the room, picked a chair by the table and picked up one of the books discarded there. It was hard to concentrate though and when he found himself rereading the same paragraph for at least the fourth time, he dropped the novel back on the table. Jensen chose that exact moment to enter the room.

Jensen was in sweatpants and a button down shirt, a soft sheen of sweat glistening on his forehead and arms. He smiled when he became aware of Jared's presence who was now getting up from his position in the chair and leaned against the railing of the bed while Jensen took the time to pour himself a glass of water. Jared decided against cutting right to the point. There was no need to start this discussion right away. Giving Jensen a chance to catch his breath and a clean set of clothes seemed reasonable. 

“How was your therapy thingie today?”

“Good. Exhausting. I need a shower.”

“You need any help?”

“I like you, man. But I won't let you help me wash myself. Stay here, eat the gummibears Danneel smuggled in and just wait, okay? We can take a spin down to the cafeteria and maybe have some pie or a sandwich or something. I'm too beat to actually walk down there.”

Jensen was different – Jared realized not for the first time - and it was not in a good way. He actually appreciated the chance to leave all responsibility behind and just sit down in that damn wheelchair and be carted around. He shouldn't be. It was just wrong. But Jared didn't want to tell him that , not right away after all. He wanted to give Jensen that chance to feel decent and give him a little time to relax from the exhausting physical demands of his therapy.

Jensen was already peeling his button down shirt off of him not having a care about the fact that Jared was still standing there watching. Button downs and shirts with a zipper were pretty much the only options Jensen had right now. Getting out of a shirt meant to stretch his arms above his head and he couldn't do that not without risking to rip the stitches. Apart from that it was excruciatingly painful if he tried. Jensen's frustrated voice brought Jared back to the here and now.

“Give me a hand, would you?”

Ever since their confrontation on that fateful Sunday Jensen was a lot more forthcoming with asking for help. Obviously Jared's words – as harshly as they had been spoken – had stuck. He took two steps away from the bed and helped Jensen to get out of the shirtsleeves, tugging at them as gently as possible. The bandages covering the surgical incisions came into view underneath the fabric of the shirt. They were considerably smaller these days but still covered the length of Jensen's chest-bone. Jared felt himself swallowing hard.

It wasn't the first time he saw the bandages and imagined what the still healing wounds underneath looked like. He had no idea why exactly he was so damn curious about it. It was like a morbid fascination he just couldn't get out of his mind. Jensen had to take them off for the shower and ask Margie to redo them anyway... 

“Jensen...”

“Mh?”

“Can I... see?”

Jared felt unbelievably awkward and invasive asking the question even though he had been thinking about this for quite some time and he actually wanted to see the damage that had been done by Jensen's illness. He expected anything from a huff to an angry reaction and Jensen actually throwing him out of his room. But none of that happened. Instead his friend just raised an eyebrow at him.

“If you want to. But why?”

“Just curious I guess. I don't mean to intrude.”

“It's okay. I need to get it off anyway.”

Jensen's motion was quick and way to unceremoniously for Jared's liking. The strips of medical tape holding the bandage in place came off and revealed the scars underneath. Jared barely managed to hide the sharp intake of air at the sight of the healing scars. They were long, that was the first thing he realized and even though he had known that before given the length of the bandages it still scared and amazed him at the same time. They were still an angry red, standing out on the otherwise pale skin on his friends chest. Jared didn't dare to come closer and found himself staring. 

“Does it hurt?”

“Not all the time, no.”

“Will it... get better?”

“It'll fade. Turn from that angry red to a pale white. But it won't go away.”

Jared forced himself to look away and tried to keep his feelings in check. Having seen the – albeit necessary – damage first hand he wasn't sure if he should pity Jensen or be disgusted by the sheer crudeness of the scars the lifesaving surgery had left. He decided to settle on neither. The wounds wouldn't stay like this and in all the mayhem Jensen's illness had caused, this one detail was obviously one his friend knew how to deal with. 

“Damn.”

“No more shirtless scenes for me.”

“Like that actually bothers you.”

Jensen actually grinned announcing it and Jared fell in with a smile. Jensen had never been particularly eager to do these kinds of scenes on the show. Now he had a legitimate reason to say no every time somebody came up with the idea. However the light-heartedness of the moment didn't last for long. Jared watched Jensen take a look at the incisions on his chest, his tone of voice a lot graver now. 

“It's a constant reminder. Every time I change a shirt or take a shower. It's always there...”

“Yeah. But so are you.”

Jensen shot him a look that was somewhere between amused and appreciative. Maybe Jared was being a little melodramatic here but Jensen didn't call him on that. Instead his friend picked up a pile of discarded clothes from the chair next to the bed and disappeared into the bathroom. Jared could hear the water running a couple of minutes later and settled back down on the edge of the bed to wait for Jensen.

When his friend returned from his shower and in a fresh set of clothes with his shirt still unzipped until Margie had come by to re-bandage the incisions, Jared had managed to talk Jensen into not using the wheelchair for the trip down to the cafeteria. Now they were sitting at an open table at the far end of the wide room, both of them with tea and a sandwich and Jared tried to find the right words to finally start the conversation he had come here to have in the first place. He cleared his throat, catching Jensen's attention.

“It sounds like your physical therapy is going well. You get around a lot better.”

“It's not perfect, but yeah, I guess so. Why are you so interested in all of this?”

“I... I'm worried.”

“About me?”

“Not exactly. It's just... Don't you want to get out of here?”

There it was, he had said it and so far Jensen had not thrown a fit about it like Jared had expected. On the contrary his friend took a long time to think about the question. Jared was pretty sure Jensen didn't appreciate to be worried about or being told what was best for him. But he seemed okay with the fact that Jared was concerned for him. Jensen took his time, concentrating on both his sandwich and his tea for a while before he finally looked up and gave an awkward shrug that looked like it had hurt his chest. His answer lacked conviction and Jared couldn't help but press on.

“Of course I want to go home.”

“Then why don't you? You can get up and around on your own, you can walk, your wounds are healing, your meds are adjusted. What are you still doing here.”

For the shortest of seconds it actually seemed like Jensen was going to tell him what was bothering him and why he had been hiding himself away inside his hospital room. Jared didn't know for sure but he knew Jensen well enough to realize that his friend was reluctant about ending the hospital stay. Maybe he didn't feel up to all those upcoming changes, maybe it was the idea of being completely unsupervised. Whatever it was though, Jensen wouldn't tell but decided to hide his worries behind a smile that looked so damn fake it was almost painful to watch. 

“I should probably talk to Dr. Peters about this.”

“Sounds good to me.”


	23. Out

*Friday - another 4 days later*

Dr. Peters had reacted very positive and almost enthusiastic when Jensen had asked him about a release date from the hospital. He had expected more of a struggle but Dr. Peters assured him that it was a good idea to get back to his every day life, his family and even his job. Everything had happened pretty quickly from there on out and today was Jensen's last morning at the hospital. Margie had changed shifts to be there and say goodbye when he left and Danneel and Jared had promised to pick him up. 

They were late though and right at the moment Jensen was having a minor argument with Margie who had appeared with his discharge papers, a paper bag containing his prescription drugs for the next three days... and a wheelchair. Jensen had blanched at the sight and had quickly gone from surprise to anger from there. He would finally go home, the hard work of physical therapy had left him finally able to get around all on his own again and now Margie was showing up with the damn wheelchair.

She had taken the discharge papers away from him as soon as he had started to throw a fit about the wheelchair though and now she was standing there, smiling calmly not giving a damn about the fact that he absolutely didn't want to be treated like an invalid Jared had been the one to make him see, that he was better and actually doing quite alright again. Now the only thing Jensen wanted was to be treated accordingly. Unfortunately for him, Margie wouldn't have any of that.

“I won't be wheeled to the car. Period.”

“Well I guess you'll stay for lunch then.”

“Margie...”

“Don't start with me dear. You've gone through all this, you will manage five more minutes in the wheelchair.”

“I can walk.”

“Not today. So what's it gonna be?”

Jensen had no idea where she had produced it from but Margie suddenly had a lunch list in one hand and his discharge papers in the other. Obviously there wasn't much of a choice here and he knew the kind nurse well enough by now to know that she wouldn't be bullied or talked into compliance. Jensen hid back a frustrated groan and motioned towards the discharge papers with an unwilling gesture. 

“Fine.”

“Good boy.”

She had the nerve to grin at him when she handed him the documents and a pen to sign them. Jensen ignored her, scribbled his signature and gave both the documents and the pen back to the nurse. It was an awkward moment of silence at least on Jensen's part and finally he decided to do the one thing he deemed right. He bridged the gap between him and Margie and pulled the nurse into a short but heartfelt hug. When he let go of her again, the older woman was smiling at him, a warm, knowing smile that made a lump form in his throat. 

“Thank you, Margie. For everything...”

“Only doing my job, dear.”

“Still.”

“You're very welcome. I hope I'll never see you again.”

“Me too.”

Jensen couldn't help but grin. Under different circumstances it might have been rude but this was a farewell wish he could gladly deal with. Danneel appeared in the doorway to his room only seconds later and Jensen frowned. Her and Jared had told him they would come to pick him up together. It didn't look like it though.

“Is it... only you?”

“For now. I made an appointment at the cardiologists office. His name is Dr. Wilkins. You'll get your prescription drugs, a new, more long-term dieting plan and everything else you need from him and afterwards you're finally back in the real world.”

“Sounds good.”

Actually it didn't sound good to him at all. Today was all about leaving the hospital and he hadn't had any intention to exchange one doctor for another. But he knew it was the reasonable thing to do which was why he didn't argue. Margie made an inviting gesture and Jensen sat down in the unwanted wheelchair, giving a soft curse under his breath. If the two women had heard him though, they chose to ignore him. 

*#*

The cardiologist Danneel had chosen was close to their home and both the office and the staff seemed friendly. Jensen was sure Danneel had taken a lot of time and consideration before she had made a decision on his behalf. Right now they were sitting in one of the exam rooms where one of the doctor's assistants had taken them without redirecting them to a waiting area first. Jensen couldn't help but feel tense and the fact that they sat here in silence didn't help. He flinched when the door opened and a middle aged men in a white lab coat entered the room. He reached out a hand in greeting first to him, then to Danneel.

“Mr. and Mrs. Ackles, I'm Dr. Wilkins. It's good to meet you. Now I know you just left the hospital and they probably put a fresh set of bandages on you but I would like to do an EKG and have a look at the surgical incisions if that's okay?”

Jensen nodded though he was anything but thrilled about the idea. The doctor was right – the last thing Margie had done was change the bandages and that whole affair about wheeling him out of the hospital had left Jensen in a sour mood to begin with. He knew it wouldn't help to argue with the cardiologist though. The doctor gave him an appreciative smile and turned to Danneel. 

“Mrs. Ackles, I need to ask you to step outside.”

“No.”

They answered in unison and Danneel reached for his hand, the expression on her face stern and letting the cardiologist know that she was dead set on staying right where she was. Dr. Wilkins face didn't betray any emotion and he didn't fight them on their wishes for even a moment. Instead there was another kind smile on his lips.

“Alright then. You've probably seen all of those tests before. There's no reason why you shouldn't see it again. I'll send one of my assistants in and I'll be back in a couple of minutes.”

Dr. Wilkins took his time with the exam and Jensen wasn't sure he liked that. The doctor poked around the surgical incisions, took his time with the readout from the EKG and actually managed to make Jensen nervous with all of his nodding, mumbling and scribbling of notes. When he was finally satisfied – or at least Jensen hoped that was the case the older man smiled at them again, motioning to a door on the right of the exam room. 

“Everything seems to be in perfect order. You can get dressed now. Step through the door to your right once you're done. That's where my office is. I'll be waiting.”

Dr. Wilkins took the EKG readout and his set of notes and disappeared through the door, closing the door behind him. Jensen – carefully using what Dr. Harper in physical therapy – sat up on the gurney without the use of his arms, knowing full well it would hurt if he did it otherwise. One of the assistants had come and gone to re-bandage the incisions and Danneel was helping him get back into his shirt without straining his chest muscles too much. While he watched her and tried to help to the best of his abilities, he couldn't help but comment on his new doctor.

“He's thorough.”

“You sound like that's a bad thing.”

“It is! I thought I was done with the poking and prodding.”

“You will be. As soon as we're out of here.”

“Then lets get this over with.”

Dr. Wilkins was settled behind his desk obviously reviewing his notes and offered them the chairs in front of the desk to sit down in. His eyes focused on Jensen and that friendly smile returned to the doctors face again. It seemed like he was actually sincere but that didn't help the feeling of impatience Jensen was fighting against ever since Danneel had taken him here. All he wanted was to be home, with his wife, his daughter and his friends and hopefully have a chance to not think about anything hospital or doctor related for at least a couple of days. Dr. Wilkins seemed to pick up on his thought like he had actually said them out loud. 

“As I said, everything is in order. I only have a couple more questions and instructions for you and then you can go home. It won't take long.”

“Thanks, doc.”

“Any long term effects I should know about?”

“I'm a little out of breath from time to time, especially after exercises or walking around too much. They told me that was normal. And I get this throbbing pain where they made the incisions, sometimes it's from moving awkwardly and sometimes it happens without any trigger. That's about it.”

Danneel next to him shifted uncomfortably in her seat and Jensen realized he hadn't taken the time to talk to her about this particular side effect of the surgery. It had only been a couple of days ago that he had asked the hospital staff about it and with their sudden urgency to get him released, it had slipped his mind. He turned to face her, the apology written all over his face. 

“You... you never told me this.”

“I talked to Dr. Peters about it. He said it was normal. Could happen anytime for at least the next two to three months until the incisions and the bone are fully healed. I figured as there was nothing I could do about it, there was no need to worry you. I wanted to tell you but... it slipped my mind.”

“I'm afraid he was correct about that.”

Dr. Wilkins interrupted them before Danneel had a chance to either accept the apology or – which Jensen believed to be much more likely – scold him for not telling her. He actually appreciated the doctor's quick reaction as they both focused their attention back on him, leaving to discuss the matter in private at a later time. Danneel was the one to ask the most important question first. 

“And then it'll be okay?”

“That's hard to tell. In most cases the pain goes away once the wounds are completely healed. Sometimes – if the incisions build too much scar tissue or if the surgeon damaged nerve endings – it does not. We'll just have to wait and see.”

“Goody.”

“There's no need to be upset about this just yet. For now I would prescribe a quick acting pain killer to help with the discomfort. I'm afraid it's rather heavy duty but it's the best to deal with this kind of pain.”

Jensen didn't even try to hide back a frustrated groan. Like it wasn't enough already that there was no guarantee the pain he was forced to deal with would ever fully go away, now Dr. Wilkins wanted to prescribe him the dreaded painkillers he had come to depend so much on in his first weeks in the hospital and had grown a fierce dislike again ever since then because they always managed to make him feel woozy and so much... not like himself. 

“Which means it'll make me feel bad.”

“Actually you'll feel quite good. Out of it would be the term to describe it.”

“Yeah. Like I didn't have enough of that already.”

“The alternative is to battle through the pain unassisted by any drugs.”

“No, thank you.”

“Alright then. I'll add the painkillers to the rest of the prescription drugs. Maybe we should have a look at those?”

Dr. Wilkins had proceeded a chart from his file cabinet and Jensen didn't mean to be rude. Margie had told him all this before she had given him his prescription drugs to tide him over for the next couple of days. He figured it couldn't help to hear the information a second time though and it was certainly helpful to Danneel who hadn't heard about the effects of his meds yet, though he was sure she had read half a dozen books and even more medical articles on the subject. She was thoroughly prepared, probably even better than him. 

“Sure.”

“There's three different medications you'll have to take on a daily basis. The ACE inhibitors are to lower blood pressure and dilate the arteries, making blood flow easier on the heart. The beta blockers keep the production of harmful substances – such as adrenaline at bay – and help the heart activity. Lastly there are blood thinners. They'll prevent future clotting of the blood. Now of course there are side effects and risks with each of those medications. Please read the instructions carefully and if you have any questions don't hesitate to call my office. If you are sick with any kind of secondary illness, even if it's just a cold, I want you to inform us so we can check that any further medication prescribed to you doesn't have negative side effects with the drugs for your heart. This is a two weeks prescription. We'll see how it goes for you and make adjustments from there.”

“What about the pain pills?”

“They are specifically designed to work alongside those medications. There shouldn't be any problems.”

“And if there are?”

“If there are any severe side effects, you come back in and we'll deal with it.”

“Is that it?”

Jensen was aware that he sounded a little too hopeful but he really wanted to get out of here. Dr. Wilkins didn't pick up on his tone of voice though or simply chose to ignore it. Judging by the slightly condescending look on Danneel's face though she had picked up on it. Jensen gave he a smile and a barely noticeable shrug before he focused his attention back to the cardiologist. 

“I also have a dieting plan and a schedule for physical therapy for you. Throughout the first months or so, we usually encourage our patients to see both a nutritionist and a physical therapist as well. You don't have to though. There's a detailed dieting plan for the first week and afterwards it's important that you stick to the dieting plan. It tells you both what you should have on the menu and which things are absolutely off it. There's a set of exercises as well. You should do those under your own terms, see how well you can do them and as soon as there's any pain or shortness of breath, you stop. They're exercises which means a little pinch here and there is healthy, It means you're getting a good workout. You shouldn't overdo it though.”

“Yeah, I know the drill. Already had physical therapy while in the hospital. I know how to do this.”

“Alright then. If there are no further questions, you are all set. Pick up your prescription and get yourself a new appointment in two weeks at the front desk.”

They thanked the doctor, said their goodbyes and did as they had been told. After a quick stop at a local pharmacy Jensen was happy when they finally settled back in the car. He never would've admitted it, but this whole morning had been pretty exhausting so far and he allowed himself a couple of moments rest once they were driving again, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. It was the fact that after ten minutes of driving Danneel actually picked up on speed that made him open his eyes again, a confused look on his face when he realized they weren't in the city anymore but on their way out of it.

“Where are we going?”

“It's a surprise.”

It was all Danneel was willing to say on the matter and no amount of insisting, whining or even threatening made her budge even one bit. Jensen finally settled on being quiet and watched the scenery outside passing by. Danneel finally left the highway and a couple of minutes later they stopped in front of a remote house right at the beach. There was some memory at the back of Jensen's mind but the information just wouldn't come back to him.

“What is this?”

“Gen, Jared and the boys are here. They rented the house for the summer. Jared told you, didn't he?”

“Yeah. So?”

“ I thought it would be nice to stay with them for a little while before we go back home. They've done so much for us.”

“And to thank them we force ourselves on them and abuse their hospitality?”

“Actually they asked us to be here.”

Jensen couldn't help but smile. Jared and Danneel had obviously planned this behind his back and when they exited the car now there were two travel bags in the trunk and a grinning Jared on the front porch of the house waiting for them. 

“In that case...”


	24. Back to normal ?

The first thing Jared did, was to pull Jensen into a hug as soon as he and Danneel reached the porch. It wasn't like they hadn't seen each other less than a day ago but finally being out of the hospital was a special occasion for all of them. It took a while before Jared finally let go of him and when he did a wide grin had spread on his face. Danneel had not been exaggerating when she had told him both Jared and Gen were looking forward to having them as their guests for a couple of days. 

“Come on in. I'll show you around.”

The house had a warm, welcoming feeling to it and Jensen couldn't help but applaud Gen's choice. It was remote enough so that they wouldn't be bothered, still close enough to the city and a great place for the two boys with the beach right on the back porch. The two story house was spacious and Jensen eyed the stairs leading upstairs suspiciously as Jared now headed right for them. The view from up there was probably gorgeous but after this whole morning full of activity, Jensen didn't really care for any more exercise. There was wariness in his voice and it stopped both Jared and Danneel in their tracks.

“I'm still not very good with stairs...”

“Don't worry. You have a guest room on the ground floor. Come on, I'll show you.”

Before they got a chance to actually see the room, there were hurried footsteps approaching and a second later Thomas burst into the room, no shoes on, sand on his hands and the knees of his pants and a big grin on his face. The urge to pick Thomas up appeared out of nowhere but Jensen knew it would only cause him trouble and scare the little boy. He settled on a smile and reaching out a hand to ruffle through that mop of unruly hair.

“Uncle Jensen!”

“Hey buddy. What're you up to?”

“We were building a castle outside. You can come see and help if you want?”

He shared a glance with Jared unwilling to be the one to crush the little boy's hopes. Jared understood without any words necessary and from the way Thomas looked from one grown-up to the other he caught on rather quickly that something was going on and was decided over his head – both literally and figuratively. Reluctance crept into Thomas' voice and his gaze was fixed on his father now, looking for approval.

“Can't uncle Jensen come play with me, Daddy?”

“Not right now, okay? Maybe later.”

Thomas nodded, a look on his face that seemed way too serious for a boy his age. Jensen had no idea what exactly Jared and Gen had been telling him, but Thomas was old enough to at least understand that Jensen had been sick. He assumed they had warned the little boy to be careful around him and Thomas seemed very eager to oblige by that rule. There was no protest whatsoever, just that serious look that turned into a smile and then the little one was off again, probably back to his toys. Jensen decided against any kind of comment and focused on the one remaining thing he really wanted right now.

“Where's my baby girl?”

“Upstairs with Gen and Shep. She was about to tuck them in for a nap.”

“A nap actually sounds like a great idea.”

“You okay?”

Worry rang in Danneel's voice instantly and though Jensen couldn't blame her for it, he felt annoyed about the fact that everyone was treating him like a porcelain doll none the less. He had been sick and he knew very well that he was still recovering, but he had left the hospital behind him for good and he expected to be treated accordingly. Lashing out however was no option – as Jared had told him not too long ago, it was important to be civil, no matter how frustrated he felt. Jensen scrounged up a smile, hoping it had the reassuring quality he wanted it to.

“Just tired. It was an eventful morning.”

“Would you like to have JJ with you.? I'll go get her. She can take that nap with her Daddy just as well.”

Danneel didn't even wait for his answer and Jensen was actually grateful for her initiative. The idea to spend some quality time with his daughter sounded like heaven. Jared reacted on cue, picked up their bags and showed Jensen to the guest room. The bed looked unbelievably inviting and Jared neither pried nor hovered. Jensen was out of his jeans and in shorts and a washed out pajama top before Danneel even returned from the upstairs bedroom with JJ.

Jensen hadn't seen his little girl since that fateful day at the hospital and he had no idea what to expect. He and Danneel had talked about it, he had rationalized it but JJ had been scared seeing her father in the hospital and Jensen couldn't help but wonder if there would be a repeat. He shouldn't have worried though. As soon as Danneel entered the room with their little princess on her arms, a smile spread on the little girls face – one that Danneel mirrored. 

“Hey, Daddy, look who I brought you.”

It was almost physically painful to not be able to take JJ from Danneel's arms but the risk to pull a stitch or something even worse far outweighed the benefit of having his little girl close. Besides it wasn't like he wouldn't have her around. He pushed the blankets back from the bed, sat down, shifted to lie on his side without jarring the chest muscles too much and waited for Danneel to leave JJ with him. The warmth of his baby girl as soon as he felt her next to him felt like a balm to his recuperating body. 

“Hi princess... Daddy's back.”

His daughter's smile was more precious to him in that moment then anything Jensen had seen in a while. He placed his little girl in his arms and tried his best to shift into a comfortable position. He was exhausted – almost too much to actually find any sleep, or at least he thought so. He could feel Danneel's eyes on him and when he looked up he found her smiling. She hadn't looked this happy and content in a while... 

“I'll check in on you two later.”

When Danneel returned about 15 minutes later she had a cup of coffee in one hand and Gen at her side who had finally managed to convince her own baby boy to take that nap he needed. She found both Jensen and JJ asleep in the bed and the smile on her face wouldn't waver and right now it felt like it would never leave her again. She gave a quick glance to Gen and even though she knew she was being a little bit overly emotional, she really didn't mind. Ever since this whole mess had started she had been waiting for a moment of genuine bliss. And now she had been granted one.

“Look at them... It's the most perfect thing I've ever seen...”

*#*

It had been a very relaxing afternoon for Jensen. He had gotten about two hours of sleep before his little girl stirring in his arms had woken him up again. He had a late lunch, watched his daughter play, allowed Thomas to talk him into giving him the grand tour of the sand castle the little boy had build outside and had been down to the beach for a walk with Danneel. Dusk had come and gone and he had literally been thrown out of the kitchen when Gen and Jared announced that they would have barbecue and had been told to stay out on the patio until dinner arrived. 

He had used the time instead to put his daughter to bed, read to her and sit with her to watch her sleep until Gen appeared in the doorway to their guestroom and told him in a whisper that dinner was about to be ready. It was nice outside but with the proximity to the beach it was actually a bit chilly and even though Jensen didn't mind, the worried looks Danneel had been giving him, hadn't been lost on him. 

He had excused himself to get a jacket or blanket or something else that would keep him warm and his wife's mind at ease. That had been 10 minutes ago and even though they all knew Jensen was very well capable of taking care of himself, Jared had gone to check on his friend anyway. He found Jensen in the guestroom in front of the closet, looking lost.

Jensen motioned for Jared to step outside and followed him, not wanting to wake JJ back up. The smell from the barbecue grill outside was mouth watering and Jensen had to admit he was actually hungry. But he had no intention to have this dinner spoiled because he was getting worried looks all the time. Jared next to him seemed to have no clue what had taken him so long. 

„What are you still doing here? We're supposed to have barbecue outside, remember?“

„Yeah, I... I was just looking for a sweater.“

„And?“

„It's... well. Danneel cleared out our bags and she put some of my stuff on the top shelf. I can't...“

„You can't what? Are you okay? Are you hurting?“

Jensen hid back a frustrated sigh. Jared had been there for him throughout all of his recovery phase so far. He knew of the trials and problems that the still healing surgical wounds presented. Somehow he had chosen this moment to be oblivious though and Jensen wasn't really in the mood to explain himself. But Jared just stood there looking worried and he wouldn't stop looking at Jensen like this until he got a satisfying answer. 

„I will if I try to reach up into the closet. I can't get my goddamn arms raised over my head. I shouldn't anyway – doctor's orders. No strenuous movements for the chest muscles. But I'm not supposed to sit out there in the cold either. I'm at risk for another secondary infection these next couple of weeks and that would be a really bad thing to have right now. Or again I guess.“

„I'll go get it for you but... how are you going to put it on? I mean without raising your arms...“

Jensen didn't even try to hide back a curse. He hadn't even thought about the fact and as far as he had seen there had been nothing in that closet that was button down or zipped. He didn't blame Danneel. She had just put a couple of clothes into a bag to spend the weekend and they both were still new to adjusting to their new life situation. But it also meant he wouldn't be able to enjoy his diner outside. 

„Hadn't thought about that yet. Great... I'll just stay in and go to bed then. Can't have any burgers or a steak anyway.“

„What kind of friends and family do you think we are? Gen and Danneel planned a whole menu on your doctor's orders. And I think I'll have a jacket somewhere that you can borrow. Come on.“

Jensen actually felt bad about his harsh reaction now. It was nice of his wife and friends to be this thoughtful. He didn't get another chance to feel bad for himself because Jared was tugging on his arm and was pulling him along, getting him to step back into the living room. Jared picked up a jacket from the back of the couch on their way to the door and back outside on the porch. He was grinning at Jensen when he handed him the jacket.

“See? All good now.”

*#*#*

They had been sitting outside for about an hour since they had been done with dinner and Jensen felt his eyelids drooping. He had taken an early afternoon nap, had barely done anything at all today and still he was already tired again... That wasn't the only thing that bothered him though. Jensen had no idea if it was the cold or the long, rather exhausting day but the surgical incisions were throbbing and it was worse than it had been for at least a week.

It had been getting gradually worse over the last twenty minutes and while ignoring it had been easy to accomplish at first, he couldn't do that any more. He knew he wasn't supposed to put pressure on his chest but pressing on the or gently rubbing normally helped when things got too bad. Alternatively he could excuse himself again and go find his pills, but he was having a good time, he was relaxed and he didn't want them to worry.

It was a good plan but executing it didn't work out as well as Jensen had hoped. He tried to be sneaky but sitting at a round table with nothing much to do but to talk to one another, it was actually hard to do anything without being noticed. It didn't take long for Danneel to pick up on what he did and as soon as she realized that concerned look flooded her face again.

„What is it, hon?“

„Nothing.“

The gaze Danneel now shared with both Gen and Jared was loaded with concern and Jensen couldn't help the anger bubbling up. He hated being treated like an invalid mostly because he knew there was some truth to it. Maybe he would have managed to stay calm but the pain irritated him and caused him to snap. Danneel didn't allow him to bait her though. She tried her best to stay both supportive and calm.

„What?!“

„There's no need to shield us from anything. We're here to help.“

„It's not that bad.“

„It's bad enough that it bothers you. Is it the incisions? Do you need to take your painkillers?“

„They make me drowsy.“

„They're supposed to make you drowsy, hon. That's what painkillers do.“

It was meant to be a nice gesture and Danneel gave him a smile along with her soothing words. It backfired though. It was the same thing Margie always told him, the same thing Dr. Wilkins had said and Jensen was sick and tired to hear what he was supposed to do, what was best for him. Nobody around him had any idea what it was like to live with this condition of his but yet they all presumed they had a right to butt in on it. Maybe he wasn't being fair but he stared Danneel down anyway. 

„Don't patronize me.“

„I wasn't. I didn't mean to. I just want you to be okay. We all do. Come on let's get you settled.“

„It's barely ten!“

„Well you're not feeling well now, so it doesn't really matter what time it is. We'll be here another week, we can do this again tomorrow and we can call Dr. Wilkins office and talk to him about the painkillers if it really bothers you this much. Maybe he can prescribe something else? Something that makes you feel less out of it? Please, hon. Don't make me sit here and watch you be in pain.“

Jensen's anger dissipated as soon as he heard the emotion in Danneel's voice. He nodded and the look of defeat in Jensen's eyes was far worse than the lines of pain on his face. He didn't try to argue, suddenly feeling unbelievably tired. He got up, trying his best not to aggravate his hurting chest any more. HE also didn't wait for Danneel to come with him or anyone else to throw in their opinion. Right now all he wanted was to be left alone.

„Night, guys.“

„I'll be right there.“

Jensen shrugged, didn't question her decision and Danneel felt like her heart just dropped down into her stomach. She hated that resigned, couldn't care less attitude and she had dealt with it far too often over the last couple of weeks. She watched Jensen leave and the moment he was out of eye and earshot she allowed herself a moment of weakness. She felt Gen's hand on her back and could hear the concern in Jared's voice. 

„Does this happen a lot?“

„That onset of pain? Unfortunately yes. We talked to Dr. Wilkins about it and he said it's from the surgical scars. It's a complication with this kind of surgery and it might not ever go away again...“

„God, that's awful. Hasn't he gone through enough already?“

The only thing Danneel could do was to wholeheartedly agree. It had been such a promising day, such a nice evening but she knew the only thing she would take away from this day would now be the fact that her husband had been in pain and suffering from the aftereffects of that heart attack again. It was an exaggeration but right now it felt like they were never catching a break. Danneel took a deep, liberating breath, getting up from her chair.

„I know. I just wish there was something else I could do. I hate bossing him around like this but his preferred method of coping is to either ignore it or be sarcastic about it. It elevates stress levels and that's bad for the heart and in turn bad for the stress level again which makes the pain even worse. It's a whole vicious circle and I hate it.“

“It'll get better...”

“I really hope so.”


	25. An eye opener

It was Wednesday of the next week and things had been good for the last couple of days. Jensen had already taken his pain pills when Danneel had come into the room on Friday after barbecue and he had actually apologized for fighting with her. Obviously the pain medication helped and the throbbing and discomfort the surgical incisions sometimes caused, hadn't resurfaced. Of course there were still every day reminders – the physical therapy, the pills, the bandages dressing the still healing scars... But all in all it almost felt like holidays now. 

Danneel was in the beach house's kitchen, making lunch with Gen when all hell broke lose outside on the porch that lead down to their private beach. She could hear Jared with his boys and Jensen and JJ all coming back in for lunch. They sounded happy and Danneel felt a smile spread on her face as she looked outside to see the little group approaching the house. Jared and the boys were in bathing shorts, all wet and sandy. JJ was in her diapers, little spots of sand sticking to the generous amounts of sunscreen on her skin and she wore a tiny little hat to protect her from the sunshine. Jensen was the only one fully dressed. He wasn't supposed to get into the water anyhow – too much of a risk factor. 

She was still watching as JJ – probably distracted by something she heard or saw – missed a step, fell and started to cry instantly. The scene unfolded from there and it was like watching a horror movie where you knew exactly that an awful thing was going to happen next but there was nothing you could do. Just sit and watch. Jensen reacted on instinct, reached down and picked their little girl up to soothe her. Jared's frantic cry of „Jensen, don't!“ was too little too late.

The fatherly instinct to help and calm down their daughter was overrun by the sheer physical inability to do so. As soon as JJ's weight put a strain on Jensen's arms, the pain was there again - intense, white hot and breathtaking. He did his best to hold on because no amount of pain would make him drop his daughter but he could feel his legs give way, felt the warm sand on his knees although the sensation of falling was completely lost on him. He wheezed, tried to catch his breath, let go of JJ who was still crying and dropped down on her rear end unceremoniously as Jensen brought both hands up to his chest that he was sure had to be on fire. He still couldn't force enough air into his lungs and dark red spots were dancing right in front of his eyes.

Danneel's body reacted on instinct before her mind had fully grasped what was happening out there. She heard the shattering of glass on her way out of the kitchen and somewhere in the back of her mind she knew she had dropped the glass bowl on the floor. She didn't care though. Sprinting outside, feeling Gen close behind her, all her energy and concentration was focused on Jensen. He didn't even react to the commotion around him. He simply knelt there in the sand, hands clutched to his chest and the sound of his desperate gulps for air almost painful in her ears. 

Her instinct was conflicted, moving to her daughter now who was still sitting on the floor with tears running down her face. But Gen was there, knelt down next to her little girl and as soon as Danneel saw Gen's hand on JJ's shoulder she knew her little girl would be safe and she could focus fully on Jensen. She knelt down in front of him, trying to ignore both his wheezing and the expression of pain on his face. If she didn't she knew there was no way she would stay calm through this. She was afraid to touch Jensen, afraid to aggravate his injuries but she knew he needed the physical connection if she wanted to ground him and guide him out of the horrible pain he was in right now. The decision was made within a split second and she put both hands on his arms.

„You need to breathe. Please, honey – just breathe. It's gonna be okay, I promise but you have to take a breath. Come on, babe, please. Deep breath.“

If he actually had the air in his lungs Jensen would have laughed at her. There was no way he could force a full breath of air into his lungs. His chest would probably split open if he tried. Instead he gulped in little intakes of air and the spots slowly faded away though that persistent gray wavering at the edges of his vision did not. His chest still felt like something was clawing at it and he was sure that the pain would never go away again. Somewhere, far away he could hear Danneel's voice again.

„That's it, hon. That's better. You're gonna be okay.“

He blinked, forced her face into focus and saw a world of worry on it. It was only now that his vision slowly cleared that he saw the rest of his surroundings, took it in properly. Gen had picked up JJ and was holding her close as if to protect her. She had gathered the boys around her who both looked like they were royally scared. Jared's hand was on his shoulder and his friend's breathing was almost as erratic as his own and Danneel was right in front of him, both hands on his arms, her face inches from his, trying to ground him into reality, speaking a mile away about nothing.

„You need to let me look, hon. Please. Just let me have a quick look.“

Her hands rested on his wrists now, gently pulled and he knew she wanted him to let go, stop clutching at his burning chest. But he couldn't. If he let go, there was nothing left to keep the fire inside and it would spill out and swallow them all whole. But the lack of air and the dizzying pain left him unable to fight his wife's persistent tugging for long. The last bit of strength drained out of him and he dropped his hands into his lap, giving his wife the access she demanded. What he got in return was a gasp and a curse. Jared behind him sounded on the brink of a breakdown.

„What is it?! What's wrong?“

„He's bleeding... Jensen, hon, you're bleeding. We need to get you to the hospital, Right now.“

„Do you want me to call an ambulance?“

There was a soft trembling in Jared's voice but Jensen barely even realized it. The fire in his chest was still there but it was only now that Danneel had said it out loud that he actually felt the stickiness of warm liquid on his chest, his shirt and his fingers. He didn't have the energy to actually look at his hands but from what his wife had just said, he assumed they were tinged red. Danneel right in front of him had been quiet for what felt for too long. She couldn't make a decision....

„I... I don't know... Jensen, can you get up?“

He shook his head no – both in response to her questions and to Jared's suggestion to call an ambulance. He could have cursed if he had the energy – cursed himself for being this stupid and careless. But despite the raging pain in his chest, the last thing he wanted was a return to the hospital. He had promised Margie they would never see each other again... Somehow the words found their way to the surface though he barely manages anything but a pained, breathless whisper.

„No... hospital. Call... Wilkins.“

There were looks shared between Jared, Gen and Danneel and Jensen wanted to see what was going on. He took a shuddering breath, looked up and regretted the motion instantly. New white hot pain shot through his chest, stealing his breath away. The grey edges of his vision closed in, dark spots were back in front of his eyes and the frantic voices around him where drowned out by the rushing of blood in his ears. His last conscious feeling was Danneel's hand on his cheek and then everything faded to black.

#*#*#

When Jensen woke up again, he could tell right away that his wishes had not been respected in the least. The smell of antiseptic, the feeling of thin cotton material above and beneath him, the too soft mattress he was lying on and the tell tale muffled sounds of feet on linoleum floor, a disembodied voice on a speaker system just outside and the overall quietness of the room he was in told him all he needs to know. He was back at the hospital.

He blinked and felt somebody squeeze his hand. At least it was easy to focus which meant he hadn't been out of it for too long. But the detached feeling he had – like his head been stuffed full of cotton – told him all to clearly that he had been given painkillers... and most likely sedatives as well. He focused on Danneel and could clearly see the apology she was about to give him already shining in her eyes.

„I'm sorry, hon. But we had to get you here. I did what you asked and I called and talked to Dr. Wilkins. He said there was no two ways about it. They needed to take a chest X-ray to make sure it was only the soft tissue that was injured. If there would've been something wrong with the wiring of the breast bone they would have had to take you to surgery. It's not that bad though. A few busted stitches. They already took care of that. As soon as the sedative they gave you wears off, we can go back to the house.“

He thought about scolding her for just a second but threw the thought over board just as quickly as it appeared in his mind. Danneel had done the right thing here. She had done the only reasonable thing and she hadn't exactly gone against his wishes. She had called Dr. Wilkins and he had been the one to make the decision. There was no need to linger on the ifs and maybes of a situation that had been bad on all of them. Actually there was only one thing to say right now.

„I'm sorry, D. I didn't mean to scare any of you. How's our princess?“

„She's fine. She's too young to understand what happened and as soon as Gen had swooped her up, she had calmed down again. Thomas is still a little shaken up and so is Jared. You scared the hell out of them...“

„I know. It... it just happened. It was a reflex. Instinct. JJ fell and I just...“

Danneel shook her head, stopping him mid-sentence. She gave him a smile that was fully of sympathy and understanding. Jensen wasn't sure he deserved it though. Maybe it had only been instinct but he had been warned so many times, he should have known not to follow that instinct... Danneel however didn't blame him for that and that was something Jensen knew he could be grateful for. 

„It's okay, babe. I know you meant well. But you have to be more careful...”

“I will, I promise. Do I have to stay overnight?”

“Not if you don't want to.”

She grinned at him just a little because Danneel obviously knew the answer to that already. Jensen had only left this very same hospital a week ago and she could tell from the look in his eyes that he was determined not to stay here any longer than necessary. She certainly couldn't blame him. The day she had picked him up to take him home, she had vowed to never set foot in this hospital again. Upholding the vow hadn't worked out for long...

“I want to go home.”

“Okay. Jared already agreed to pick us up...”

Danneel was about to get her cell phone but Jensen grabbed her hand mid-motion, effectively stopping her. She seemed surprised, her brow furrowed in confusion and Jensen gave her a reassuring smile. It wasn't like he didn't want to see Jared and his family again. But he felt slightly embarrassed about the whole thing that had landed him in the hospital again and he actually felt homesick. After all he hadn't seen his own house in almost a month.

“Not back to the beach house. Home.”


	26. Decisions

Danneel was worried. It had been three days since Jensen had been released from the hospital and they were home again and since then he had barely talked to her. They had been to see Dr. Wilkins again who had been content with the progress of the newly sewed and bandaged surgical incisions. The incident from Wednesday wasn't what worried her though. It was the fact that Jensen had asked Dr. Wilkins a lot of question about going back to work.

It wasn't the fact that he had asked, but the way he had asked them. She knew Jensen well enough to tell that he was brooding and having a hard time making an important decision. She knew it was about work but she had this uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach that it was not about returning to work... From the way he had asked Dr. Wilkins about long hours, the physicality of his work, the dangers of doing stunt work and which negative consequences it might have on his healing process, Danneel was almost sure Jensen thought about quitting.

He hadn't asked her for her opinion though, hadn't even once talked to her about it and she wasn't sure if it would be a good idea to confront him. Being honest with herself she wasn't sure she actually wanted Jensen back at work. It meant not seeing him throughout the entire week and leaving him alone while he was trying to adjust. He lived alone when he was up there in Canada and the very idea that something might happen to him and nobody would be there to help, scared her in ways she couldn't even find words for. 

But Dr. Wilkins had actually encouraged the return to work, to the former routine. Of course Jensen had to be careful but with the right diet and exercize and with the help of his medication, there was no reason to not do it. Danneel wasn't sure Jensen had actually heard that part. When he had excused himself into his study, closing the door behind him leaving no doubt as to his intentions to be left alone, she was sure he had made a decision. Which was why she didn't feel bad to listen in on the phone call he made. And she felt even less guilty for calling Jared afterwards. Maybe Jensen hadn't asked for her opinion but her opinion was that he was making a mistake. One she would try everything to stop him from.

*#*

The very same decision Danneel made several hundreds miles south was reached in Vancouver at the same time as the production team sat together in both surprise and disbelieve after the phone call from Jensen. There had been calls going back and forth ever since Jensen had been admitted to the hospital and things had looked promising. Jensen call now however had turned things around into a whole different direction – one none of them could understand.

„What did he say?“

„He said he wants us to rewrite the season opener. He wants to leave...“

„Why?!“

„He said it's doctor's orders. He can't pick this up, he's not well enough for it and he won't be again any time soon if ever.“

„That's not what Jared told us.“

Jared had been the main reason the production team had been somewhat at ease about Jensen's condition and what it meant for the future of the show. News had been grim for a while and they had been worried for Jensen when they had been informed about the fever and the infection. But ever since Jensen had been transferred first to a normal ward and finally out of the hospital, things had been looking up. At least that was what Jared hat told them. Now it seemed there were things going on Jared had not been aware of... or hadn't wanted to be aware of.

„I know. Maybe he was... a little overzealous. Maybe that's why Jensen doesn't want us to tell Jared.“

„He doesn't want us to talk to Jared about Jensen leaving the show? How are we supposed to do that? Hide a revised script from him and just let him walk right into the news?“

„I guess. Something's not right here. And as much as I respect Jensen's decision, I'm not sure we're getting the full truth here. There's something else going on, something he's not telling us. I'll give Jared a ring. I don't care if Jensen wants me to or not. If somebody can talk some sense into him, it's Jared.“

*#*

Jared had helped Gen packing when he had gotten the calls – first from Danneel then from the production team back in Vancouver. They had both told him almost exactly the same thing. Jensen wanted to quit, didn't want him to know about it for now and they all agreed it was a stupid idea. Anger and betrayal had mixed to a feeling of righteous rage and Jared hadn't thought twice about getting in the car and driving over to Jensen's home. He would not just let this happen – there was no way Jensen was quitting the show without a fight.

He calmed down somewhat during the drive, the concentration he needed to safely maneuver through traffic dissipating some of his anger. But the emotions were still bubbling inside of him when he parked his car in the driveway, walked up to the house and rang the doorbell. He had expected Danneel – who had called him – to be the one to open up on him but quickly shoved the feeling of surprise aside when it was Jensen who answered the door. Jared didn't even take the time to say hello or wait for Jensen to ask him to come inside. He brushed past his friend, immediately confronting him with his newly acquired knowledge.

„You're leaving?!“

„Excuse me?“

„The show! You're leaving the show. They told me all about it. They also told me you wanted them to lie about it?!“

Jared wasn't sure what he had expected but Jensen was way too calm for his liking. He closed the door slowly, gently and turned around to face Jared. He had no intention to ask the other man to come further inside, have a drink or anything else that would have been remotely hospitable. But he couldn't just throw Jared out either. And actually he didn't want to. He would not explain himself because this was his decision and his alone. But he had worked with Jared for a long time, he was his friend and as his good friend, Jared deserved to know the truth. Now wasn't the time Jensen would have chosen for it, but that decision had been taken away from him and there was nothing he could do about that any more.

„I didn't ask anyone to lie for me. I just asked them to keep it quiet for a while. Didn't they do a marvelous job on that one?“

„Don't you go around blaming them. Them I get. It's you I don't understand. Why would you want to leave?!“

„I'm sick, Jared.“

„You're better! Even your cardiologist said going back to work would be good for you.“

Jensen stared at Jared trying to make sense of what he had just heard. He and his wife had been the only ones who knew about the things they had discussed with his doctor and Jensen hadn't talked to anyone about his last appointment. Obviously he had also been the only one to keep things that were meant to be private actually private. Jensen crossed his arms in front of his chest, asking a question he was pretty sure he already knew the answer to.

„How the hell would you know?“

„Because your wife talks to my wife and she talks to me. Of course I know. Which is why this whole thing is a crazy idea. You're better, you got your meds, your diet, your exercises all of which keep you in good shape. You could easily come back as long as the production team would be willing to make some adjustments for your sake. THAT is what your doctor said. This has nothing to do with you being sick. It's about your stupid pride again You don't want to leave, you just don't want to ask for help!“

„Don't tell me what I want and don't want!“

The rage was bubbling up inside of him and Jensen didn't even try to hide the venom from his voice. Once again people around him that had no idea what this disease and the new life it had forced on him meant, tried to tell him what was the right thing for him. He hated the fact that people absolutely oblivious to the hardship of his situation actually believed they had a right to judge or make suggestions. Jared winced when Jensen voice gained volume. He hadn't meant to blame Jensen for anything and he certainly didn't mean to fight with him. What he wanted were answers and a way to understand what was going through Jensen's mind that had him make this decision. Jared tried his best to defuse the situation, forcing himself to calm his voice back down.

„But it's true, isn't it?“

“Yes, it's true. And there's no changing my mind.”

“Jensen...”

Danneel had seemingly appeared out of nowhere and from the way she reacted, she had been listening in on the whole conversation between him and Jared. Jensen felt angry with her for the smallest of moments but seeing the look on her face – that mixture of worry and .disbelieve and even a smidge of guilt. She was fearing for his health, she couldn't understand why he had chosen to leave the show and why he hadn't told her anything about it and she felt guilty because she had been the one to involve Jared even though she had known Jensen didn't want her to. She didn't deserve to be lashed out at. But he couldn't keep a certain chilliness from his tone.

“You told him...”

“Yes, I did. But you didn't leave me much of any choice! You didn't even ask my opinion about this. You just decided!”

“It's my job and it's my decision!”

“And we are your family!”

“And I'm your friend. I'm not saying you should leave the decision to us but you should at least listen to what we have to say. And we both agree it's a stupid move.”

Jared and Danneel were ganging up on him and as they shared their opinion it wasn't really much of a surprise. Jensen decided to ignore Jared and focused all his attention on Danneel, knowing full well that he was making her uncomfortable. He didn't want to change his mind but he had neither the strength nor the determination to fight both his wife and one of his best friends. It wasn't like there wasn't a t least a little bit of doubt... His gaze wandered from Danneel to Jared and back to his wife. 

“This is what you want? You want me back there? You want to be alone five days a week? You want me to risk this?”

“Of course I don't want you to go. But Dr. Wilkins encouraged you to go back to work. He said if you were careful there were barely any risks at all. He said you needed to get back to your usual routine. He's the expert. And I think he's right. You can't bury yourself in this illness and feel sorry for yourself all the time.”

Danneel regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. She was being unfair because with all the setbacks and with the ups and downs happening throughout the recovery process Jensen had been doing extremely well. But she was emotional and she hated the undertone of blame in Jensen's voice. She didn't want to be rid of him and she knew they both know this was not what it was about. But still his words sounded a lot like he meant it that way. Of course Jensen's reaction was anything but calm.

“I do not!”

“But you don't want to return to a normal life either.”

“Because it's not!”

“I know it's not. Not right now. But it could be. All you have to do is give it a chance. Just try. For me, for us. Please.”

Jensen's eyes wandered from one to the other yet again and even though his friend hadn't said anything to him, he could see the same silent plea in Jared's eyes. He knew all too well he wouldn't be able to deny Danneel a wish that was made with this much underlying emotion. She had done so much for him throughout the last couple of weeks and he trusted her opinion just as much as he trusted his own. If this was what she wanted, what she believed was best for the both of them, Jensen was willing to give it a chance. 

“Okay... I'll try.”


	27. Back to work

*About two months later – Vancouver – first day back on set*

Jared hadn't heard from Jensen even once throughout the entire summer break. It wasn't like he hadn't tried. Text messages, calls, even the one or other casual message on twitter that could have been read as an invite to reply. But Jensen hadn't done any of that and he hadn't called or texted to Jared on his own volition even once. It had bothered the younger man for quite a while, especially after their last meeting that hadn't gone over so well. 

It had been Gen who had told him to stop obsessing and leave Jensen alone. He would come around and talk to Jared when he wanted to and pressuring him would gain Jared nothing. He was still grateful to his wife and her patience with him. She had been the one and only reason he had managed to actually enjoy the rest of his summer without constantly worrying about his friend and their relationship, hoping he hadn't broken or destroyed anything upon insisting on Jensen's return to the show. 

It was their first day back on set and Jared couldn't deny that he was fighting against a slight nervousness. He had texted Jensen, had asked when he would be here and had finally gotten a response. It had been brief, neutral and only told him facts. Jared had tried his best to tell himself not to read too much into it. And – as Jensen would be late due to the scheduled flight – he had decided to do something nice and give Jensen a feeling of being welcome. 

The crew and cast had been more than happy to partake in his plan to organize an ad hoc little welcome back party for Jensen. He hoped it would help ease away some of the tension – if there even was any. The rest of the cast and crew had happily rearranged the sound stage, had organized food and drinks and even some cheesy party decorations and now all they needed was for Jensen to arrive. 

His text message said he would be at the studio around five but it was almost six before Jensen finally arrived and by that time Jared could barely control the nervous anxiousness that had been creeping around at the back of his mind for the whole day. He had been waiting outside, wanting to be the first to greet his friend and ease him into the surprise he had organized. He wasn't even sure what he had expected but he felt a lot more at ease when Jensen finally appeared. 

He looked good – healthy and almost back to his old strength. But there was no smile on his face when he spotted Jared, not even a nod of acknowledgment. The feeling of dread returned to Jared full force and it grew in strength when Jensen came up to him and barely said as much as hello. Jared forced a smile and tried to undo whatever it was that had caused the almost hostile atmosphere between them with some light conversation.

“It's good to have you back here.”

“Is it?”

There was a venom and coldness to Jensen's tone of voice that Jared hadn't expected and that he was taken aback by. He knew he and the argument he had made had been part of the reason why Jensen had changed his mind about leaving the show. He had never expected his friend would actually hold that against him. Maybe he was over dramatizing things. Maybe Jensen was just tired or missing his family. Maybe he just had a bad day. Gen had told him not to dwell on every little thing Jensen said. Maybe it would be better tomorrow. Jared forced a grin on his face and nodded excitedly, trying his best to sound cheery.

“Of course it is! So...How was your summer?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Just cause. So... summer?”

“Lots of quality time with my family. Time to recuperate, time to get better. That's about it.”

The conversation – or the lack thereof – was almost physically painful for Jared. There were no details, no fun stories, no will to elaborate. Jensen acted like he was talking to a complete stranger, one he didn't like very much at that. He wouldn't give up any information on his own, had no sense for any kind niceties and barely even answered to the questions Jared had for him. Talking to Jensen felt all wrong and made the knot in Jared's stomach tighter. He tried his best to see past it though. Maybe it would get better if he gave it another chance.

“How's Danneel? And JJ?”

“They're fine, Jared.”

It wasn't just his tone of voice but Jensen's whole posture told Jared that his friend didn't want to be a part of this conversation for any time longer. The very fact that Jensen didn't even bother to mirror the courtesy and ask after Jared's own family spoke volumes of his friend's feelings – towards his return, towards the situation in general and maybe even towards Jared himself. He truly hoped he was just imagining that one. Either way - it was probably time to end the talk and start with the party.

“Okay... Well, I... I organized a little something for you.”

“Why?”

“Because I'm not the only one who's happy you're back. Come on.”

Jared didn't wait for Jensen to follow him and forced himself not to look back and check that Jensen actually did as he was asked. He trusted Jensen to not just walk away from him. They reached the door to the sound stage together and Jensen stopped there. Somebody had put up one of the cheesy 'Welcome back' banners right above the door and somehow Jared hadn't noticed before. They hadn't even managed to get through the door yet. Jared turned around, smiled apologetically at Jensen and tried to make the best of the situation at hand.

“Surprise.”

“What do you think you're doing?”

Jensen's reaction was harsh but it was pretty much what Jared had expected after his friends initial welcome and the way he had behaved around him. He hoped it was simply surprise and maybe a tiny bit of confusion mixed with the exhaustion of the trip up here. Either way the only way there was, was through the awkward conversation. Jared was sure once he had maneuvered Jensen into the room and had him appreciate the effort people had put into this, things would get better. But they never even got that far.

“We're throwing you a surprise welcome back party! Come on, celebrate, have some pie, maybe even a little glass of bubbly champagne? It's all there.”

“I'm not allowed pastries or alcohol. You know that.”

“I know that your diet allows for exceptions every now and again.”

“I don't want to make an exception.”

Jared was at a loss for words for a long moment before he shook his head in disbelieve. Jensen hadn't said it in so many words but he didn't want to come inside, he didn't want to be a part of this party, he didn't want to be with people, mingle or have fun. He didn't want anything to do with them and that was just wrong. Jared fought down the impulse to grab Jensen's arm and actually force him to come inside with him. He hoped words would be just as potent.

“Jensen, come on. All these people, they did all this for you.”

“Look, I appreciate the gesture but I didn't ask for any of this. Now I had an early morning, I didn't get proper breakfast or lunch, I misplaced a set of drugs that I need to refill, I need to call my cardiologist for a referral to a secondary physician up here and I'm really exhausted from the flight and everything. All I want is some peace and quiet. So tell them thank you but no thank you.”

Jared actually laughed at Jensen for what he said but there wasn't even a smidge of humor in his reaction. He was angry with his friend, unbelievably angry and he wanted Jensen to know. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and even though he knew he probably sounded like a spoiled brat, Jared didn't care one bit. Jensen had made this bed for himself, now he was the one who could lie in it. 

“You can tell them.”

“I could. But I won't. What I will do is go to my trailer, take a shower, call the doctor, get a prescription for a refill, get home, take my drugs and have a nice quiet evening on the couch.”

“You don't even want to say hello to anybody?”

“I'll be here five days a week, 10 hours a day for the next few months. There's plenty of time for that in the future.”

*#*#*

Jared had lied and he didn't feel good about it. He still wasn't sure why exactly he had done it. Jensen had been the one to decide he wanted to antagonize the whole team by walking out on the party they had planned without so much as taking a glance at the effort made. He should have been the one to deal with the consequences. But instead Jared had gone back in to the sound stage and had told people that Jensen wasn't feeling well, that he appreciated the gesture – that much hadn't been a lie after all – and that he had gone back to his place to rest. 

Actually Jensen had simply left. He hadn't tried to explain himself, he hadn't apologized, but he had just turned and left Jared standing there in front of the door to the sound stage. Jared had been angry and he had needed a full ten minutes of fresh air before he finally managed to go back inside. He had tried calling Jensen again – right then and later on that day but he had only gotten to voice mail and he hadn't bothered leaving a message.

Of course the team had been disappointed but there was no reason to go a perfectly well organized party go to waste. They had decided to make it a 'back to work' theme and it had been fun but Jared couldn't shake that nagging feeling or the thought of Jensen's behavior. Something seemed to be seriously wrong with his friend. It seemed like he didn't want to be here, felt pressured into being back and was now lashing out at the people who had convinced him to do so. It was nonsense though – in all the years that he knew him, Jared had never gotten to know Jensen as somebody who did anything he clearly didn't want to. If it was really about him and Danneel talking Jensen into coming back to the show, he would have fought them on the matter a lot harder... 

There was only one person he could actually talk to about this. In all fairness – there were two, but Jensen had made it all too clear to him that he did not want to talk to Jared about anything that was remotely personal. Jared was pretty sure that included Jensen's feelings about returning. Which meant he had to talk to the one other person that had been there and had helped him to make Jensen come back here. Even if that meant going behind his friend's back. He pulled his cell phone from the back pocket of his jeans and looked for Danneel's number. It took two rings before she picked up and she immediately sounded alarmed.

“Jared, what happened?”

“It's all okay, Danneel. There's just something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“I knew there was something Jensen wasn't telling me. I knew it. I asked him how you and Gen and the boys were and he was evasive and when I asked him how his first day was he said it was fine. What happened?”

Danneel sounded alarmed and that was the last thing Jared had wanted to achieve. She was too far away to actually help Jensen in any way and Jared knew all too well that Danneel had felt helpless these last couple of months that it was enough for a lifetime. He hurried to reassure her that Jensen was indeed fine but he couldn't tell her that Jensen's behavior was okay. Or that he was feeling comfortable around his friend right now. 

“Nothing, don't worry. At least nothing bad. Or maybe it did. I'm not really sure. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. But he would barely talk to me. He didn't tell me anything about his summer, he didn't ask me anything and he didn't want to be part of that little party we organized. He was withdrawn... and cold.”

“He didn't tell me anything about this...”

“I'm sorry, Danneel. I'm just worried about him, about the whole way he behaved. We argued with him but it was his decision to come back here. It felt like he blamed me though.”

He could hear her sigh at the other end of the line. Obviously he wasn't the first one to detect some sort of problem when it came to the way Jensen behaved around the people that were his friends and family. Jared couldn't believe Jensen had actually fought with Danneel about returning – or blamed her for talking him back into it. But there was tension between them when it came to this particular topic. Her tone of voice spoke volumes of it.

“I know there are things he is troubled about. But he won't talk to me about it. I asked him, tried to confront him, but he insisted he was fine... And it has gotten worse the closer the end of the summer break got.”

“How?”

“It has been moments – bits and pieces here and there. He was lost in thought a lot, withdrawn at times just like you experienced today. And he was having trouble sleeping.”

Jared swallowed down the lump in his throat. He hadn't expected it to be this bad. Danneel didn't say it in so many words, but Jared assumed Jensen had been having nightmares. The fact that his pride and stubbornness wouldn't let other people around him that truly cared help, certainly hadn't helped at all. It was the same old problem again. Both he and Danneel had told Jensen over and over again that they were there to help. It seemed he had never really learned that lesson. However he couldn't believe Danneel had simply given up on the matter. 

“Have you talked to anyone? His cardiologist?”

“He told me it's probably some kind of PTSD but he's not a specialist. He referred us to somebody who is but Jensen won't talk to a therapist. I asked him to and it didn't go over with him so well... I stopped trying eventually.”

She didn't need to tell him for Jared to imagine what that conversation had been like. He couldn't blame Danneel for giving up on the idea eventually. If the only reaction were hurtful words and cold stares instead of a constructive discussion and actual arguments, he probably would have made the very same decision in the end. He refrained from commenting and used the chance to finally have a source of information that who was actually willing to talk to him. 

“What about everything else?”

“He's been good, Jared. Exercise and meds help him with his condition. We had a great summer, spent a lot of time together and with our family... But I can't shake that feeling that we pressured him into doing something he didn't want... Just do me a favor – keep an eye on him.”

“I will. I promise.”


	28. Wrong

It were almost two months back at work now and Jared felt... wrong. He couldn't describe it any other way. They were all back, they were working but somehow the friendly banter, the jokes and their boyish pranks on one another all had vanished into oblivion. It wasn't the only thing that was different though. Ever since Jensen had outright refused to have any part in his welcoming party, staff on set was acting... careful around him. It wasn't like they weren't friendly or caring but they were a lot more reserved. Putting it in simple words – they were reacting in kind. 

It wasn't only the staff Jensen reacted distant around. His fellow coworkers didn't fare any better around him. He didn't have lunch with them, didn't tell them anything personal but only discussed work with them and only if necessary and so far Jensen had declined every single offer from both Jared and Misha to do anything off work together. It was frustrating to say the least and if they wanted things to change they needed to find a way to snap Jensen out of his foul mood. 

It had been a good idea in theory but when it came to finding a practical way to do it, Jared was at a loss. Misha had suggested pulling a good natured prank on Jensen and Jared had reluctantly agreed to the idea. It had backfired big time, causing a reaction neither of the two men had expected. Jensen had been angry – truly angry, had accused them of cooking up stuff a lot worse and actually harmful, believing they were only waiting for the right opportunity to hurt him. He was paranoid to the point of hostility.

The man they had both known before Jensen's illness would have actually reacted to that kind of thing with a smile and maybe even a comeback of the same nature. Now however Jensen seemed to have lost all sense of humor. Ever since that ugly fight about the prank he and Misha had tried to pull on Jensen, matters had gotten even worse.

On top of it all things were... not going so well. At least that was how Jared felt about it. He wasn't sure who was to blame for it and he certainly had no idea how to change it. They tried to maintain a professional work relationship but the change from their normal, rather casual and overall friendly and good hearted routine was hard to deal with. And that made it difficult to do the job right. Especially when it came to scenes that were overly dramatic or required close personal contact. 

Of course Jared wasn't the only one who had noticed and that was what truly worried him. He wasn't worried for the show or his job. But he knew Jensen was about to get himself into trouble because he was the one who's behavior had changed so dramatically. Which made it easy to simply put all blame on him and not take in the fact that everybody involved was having a hard time making things work under the current circumstances.

Jared had only heard rumors about it but he was pretty sure it was true that Jensen had been asked to a meeting with the producers. He had no idea what had been said but he knew which changes had been made after that meeting and given the fact that Jensen talked to them even less than before, talking to the producers couldn't have gone over too well. He didn't listen to the gossip that made it's way around the set but it seemed the meeting with the production team had never been about solutions. They had simply passed the blame... And they had given Jensen exactly one choice – to do as he was told.

Jared would have liked to ask his friend, maybe even get a chance to offer some sympathy. But Jensen didn't give him a chance. His friend was determined in a way that seemed self destructive and he was brooding... Not a good combination.

Jensen was aware of the looks and whispers going around, of people turning heads and abruptly ending conversations when he turned up. He was aware Jared was hovering on the edge of his vision a lot but didn't dare to actually talk to him. It was unnerving and it certainly didn't make things easier for him. But he had been told all too clearly that any kind of protest would not be tolerated. He still felt treated like a six years old and even thinking about that so called 'conversation' he had with the production team made the anger bubble up again... 

He had felt cornered when they had told him to come see them after the days schedule was through. Somehow the whole invitation had been laced with underlying accusation. The talk itself had been even worse and even though he was perceptive enough to realize that his own defensive approach had not made the situation any better, he still felt overrun and treated completely unfair. However they had made it very clear to him that his opinion and his protest was nothing anyone was interested in...

*#*#*

“Look, we're already behind on schedule and we can't afford to lose even more time. We have a set date and until then every episode has to be done shooting. Otherwise there will be trouble with the studio and that means a whole world of pain for everybody involved. People's livelihood depend on this show being done in time. The crew's jobs depend on you being able to pull your weight. And if you can't do that...”

“What is this supposed to be? A threat? I TOLD you I wasn't ready. I told you I wouldn't be able to do this and you guys INSISTED I try. And now that it all goes down the drain it's my fault? I have a heart condition that won't just magically disappear. I need to abide by a special schedule with a special diet, special exercises and a crap load of drugs. Do you think I enjoy living like this? Do you think this is easy or free of sacrifices? Because it is not. So before you come back here to accuse me of anything, remember that you and Jared and the rest of the production team where the ones who tried everything in their power to talk me back into this even though I WARNED you it wouldn't work out.”

“Frankly, I don't care about any of your temper tantrums. You can throw bitch fights as dramatically and as often as you want. But from now on we start at six am and nobody leaves here before ten at night. If that's a problem, you're welcome to leave. But I'd chat up a lawyer before you rush out of here with your nose all up high in the sky if I were you. You signed a contract, remember?”

*#*#*

It had been two weeks on the brutal new 16 hours schedule with only the Sundays off and it was starting to take it's toll. Jared was tired, he knew Misha and Mark were too and the overall atmosphere on set was so tense one could have cut through it with a knife. On top of all that, Jared was truly worried about Jensen. After the rather ugly fight with the producers, Jensen had not protested again, hadn't uttered even another syllable and had showed up bright an early at six in the morning the very next day. 

Jared could tell that Jensen was trying his best to maintain his schedule. He took the breaks he needed to get food, exercise or take his medication but the long hours, the hard work and the little to no free time they had were taking a lot out of him and were making it increasingly harder for Jensen to both maintain his schedule and deliver a useful performance throughout the entire workday. Nobody joked around anymore and all they did was work on the episodes in that awfully tight atmosphere layered with unspoken accusations and threats. It was awful but as long as his friend didn't open up to anyone and was actually willing to talk about the matter in a productive way, there was little to nothing they could change about the mess they were in right now.

On top of it all it had been unusually cold for early October and the long, exhausting hours on an outdoor set in the biting cold of a drizzling gray day for the last episode they had shot had left both Misha and Jensen with a nasty cold. While they were both doing their best to soldier through it, it was just another thing that increased Jared's worries. While Misha was miserable with the lingering illness, for Jensen it was yet another factor that strained his already wavering health and Jared would have wished for his friend to actually ask for a break.

But it didn't happen. Instead the awful schedule continued day after day and with every new morning Jensen looked a little worse, a little more pale, a little more tense, the shadows under his eyes growing darker and his mood dipping slowly below the freezing point. He seemed unfocused which didn't only affect their workday and made it harder to get anything done but it also wore down Jensen's resolve to keep up his schedule and Jared noticed those little changes with growing concern.

It was only Tuesday, another five days of work ahead of them, and Jared found his friend with a cup of something that was either coffee or tea in one hand and two white, unmarked pills in the other. It certainly wasn't the kind of breakfast that was healthy or actually useful to get Jensen through the day until it was time for lunch. Jared debated arguing with the older man about it but dropped the idea after just a few seconds. Jensen had barely been talking to him on good days. He didn't even want to imagine how a conversation would end on a bad day... 

It was nine when their frustrated director called for a half hour break because it seemed absolutely impossible to get anything done. Misha had been running back and forth between sound stage and the cup of honey sweetened tea that kept him with enough of a voice to actually get through a scene of dialogue and Jensen... Jared bit his lip thinking about how agonizing these two hours of work had been. 

His friend seemed to barely function and he certainly was in no shape to actually be here. He belonged in a bed with a blanket draped over him, a cup of tea by his side, a whole battery of cold medication and maybe some chicken soup. Somebody had suggested something like that about an hour into today's shoot and had been snapped at. Jensen was too stubborn to actually leave on his own account but as soon as the break was called, he disappeared off the sound stage, obviously glad to get a chance to rest and gather some strength.

Jared would have liked to ask Jensen to come with him and try to actually get some decent breakfast into his system but his friend had disappeared before Jared had the chance. Instead Misha was suddenly right next to him, sneezing into a kleenex, a lob sided smile on his face. The raspy tone of his voice was testament of the illness he was still fighting.

"How about you get me a cup of tea and a chance to lament about the unfairness of this never ending cold from hell?"

"I'll get you that tea. But you shouldn't strain that voice of yours. You already sound like a broken lawn mower. Come on. Let's get some breakfast and maybe things will start to go uphill from there."

It was wishful thinking, Jared knew that but he had no idea how far off from the truth he actually was. The half hour of a break that they got went by in what felt like seconds. Misha had nurse a cup of chicken broth and had actually listened to Jared and had barely talked and lamented at all. It was very unlike him and Jared had to admit it felt wrong not to hear Misha talk through an entire break... But the current schedule was hard on all of them. 

When they returned to the sound stage to pick up where they had left off, Jensen wasn't back yet. Luckily neither was their director. Jared couldn't help that twinge in his stomach though. Jensen had been almost obsessive with being on time for these past two weeks and it just wasn't like him to be late. When their director finally showed up a couple of minutes later Jensen still wasn't back and Jared started to get worried. He didn't want to think this way but he just knew deep down that something had to be wrong.

He excused himself, leaving Misha to deal with the fallout of their director realizing that the majority of the main cast had disappeared on him and made his way back to their trailers. He was pretty sure Jensen had gone back here. It was the only place that allowed for a little privacy and privacy was one of the things Jensen liked to have a lot of these days. Jared wasn't even sure what he was supposed to do. It wasn't like they were on real friendly terms right now... But the still cared about one another – or at least that was what Jared hoped for.

Jensen didn't just make it easy on him and crossed paths with him somewhere along the way. Neither did Jared get any answer when he knocked on the door. He took a deep breath, debating to just return to their director and wait or knock and end up in yet another heated discussion with Jensen. He wasn't looking forward to either of the choices. Worry finally won over pride and Jared pushed the door open. 

There was a soft, underlying fragrance to the rather confining inside of the trailer and it was the very distinct smell of illness. Jared couldn't have named what exactly it was but to anyone entering it would have been plain as day that Jensen wasn't doing well. He was surprised he wasn't greeted by an angry glance or harsh words. Jensen hadn't even acknowledged Jared's presence. His friend was on the couch, a blanket draped over his lower body and his back turned on Jared. He could hear the rather harsh sound of Jensen's breathing - testament of the cold his friend's immune system was still trying to fight of. Jared stepped closer but didn't dare to reach for his friend's shoulder.

“Jensen?”

Either he was being ignored or Jensen had actually fallen asleep. Waking him up and forcing him back to work was the last thing Jared wanted to do, especially because he knew Jensen could use that break. But he needed to try to at least get him to get back on his feet. If he would finally admit all on his own that he was too ill to work, that would be okay. But if he decided to tell the team that they needed to take the rest of the day off without Jensen's consent, there would probably be hell to pay. Jared reached out a hand, gently shaking Jensen's shoulder.

"Come on, buddy, wake up. Look at me.”

Jensen's reaction was slow, sluggish but at least Jared finally managed to get somewhere. He didn't feel that little feeling of triumph for long though. As soon as Jensen turned on his back to face him, worry was overtaking every other emotion. Jensen was pale, way too pale for Jared's liking and the last time he had seen that glazed over look in his friend's eyes, Jensen had been battling a fever that had almost killed him... Whatever his friend had done in this half hour of a break, it had made his condition worse – way worse. Jared didn't even realize the grip he had on Jensen's shoulder had hardened until his friend flinched. Jared didn't care though – any reaction was better than none at all. 

“What did you do?!"

"Took my meds."

"Which ones?"

There was no reaction and Jared felt a painful twist in his gut when Jensen blinked at him – once, twice – and then decided to close his eyes again. His friend was barely coherent enough to follow the conversation and it painfully reminded Jared of the time in the hospital right after Jensen had surgery. He shook his arm again, using his best stern fatherly tone that he usually reserved for Thomas when the little one had done something he wasn't supposed to.

"Damn it, Jensen. You need to focus. Which meds did you take."

"All of them. Have to. Mornings and evenings."

"I know that. That's not what I meant. What else did you take? Something for the cold?"

"Ibuprofen."

Alarm bells were going off in Jared's head immediately and it took considerable effort to hide back the curse that was already on his lips. The urge to shake Jensen to get some sense back into him was almost overwhelming. He should have known better than to mix and match medication like this. Jared had only read about some stuff because he had wanted to know what both the surgery and the heart condition meant for Jensen and even he was aware that patients with a heart condition were not supposed to mix blood thinners with pain meds. 

"How much?! Since when?!"

"Don't remember."

"Try. Please!"

"Can't..."

"Just stay awake, okay. Focus, talk to me. Can you do that."

Jensen shrugged but at least it was a conscious reaction and that was all Jared wanted right now. He felt completely overwhelmed by the situation at hand but he was the only one here, the only one who could help and he needed to find out how bad Jensen was feeling if he wanted to make the right – or any – decision at all. At least the urgency in his voice seemed to have been enough to get Jensen to fight through the sluggish dizziness and react a little more awake and alert.

"Are you in pain? Are you cold, maybe dizzy?"

"Cold, dizzy, nauseous."

“No pain?”

Jensen shook his head no and regretted the motion instantly. It increased the feeling of dizziness and he was sure the nausea would finally take over. He could feel that slightly sour feeling in the back of his throat getting worse. Taking a couple of deliberate, deep breaths helped a little. He flinched when a warm hand landed on the clammy skin of his forearm. He had almost forgotten Jared was there. 

“Just stay awake, okay. No falling asleep.”

“I'll try...”

“That's not good enough... Look, I need to get you some help...”

“ 'm okay.”

“No, you're not.”

As if his body had decided to betray him and prove Jared right instead, Jensen felt something warm and sticky suddenly dripping down onto his lips and chin. He reached up a hand blindly and managed to do nothing more but stare at it when his fingers came away red. He was bleeding... That couldn't be right. One just didn't start bleeding without any cause or reason. He could hear a sharp intake of air and had to remind himself yet again that he wasn't alone in his trailer.

“You're bleeding, Jensen...”

“Just a nosebleed...”

“That's not just anything. You need a doctor.”

Jensen didn't get a chance to protest. A towel appeared in his vision and he didn't fight Jared on it. The bleed was actually pretty heavy and it didn't look like it would stop on his own. He pressed the soft fabric to his bleeding nose and watched as Jared pulled his cell phone from the back pocket of his jeans. He tried his hardest to focus on the conversation but he was just too damn dizzy and tired. If Jared felt better about it, he could call whoever he wanted. All Jensen wanted was to rest... just for a little while. But Jared wouldn't have any of that. Jensen hadn't even realized his friend had ended the phone call, but he felt the rather rough shake of his arm and he heard the urgency in Jared's voice.

“Come on, man. Don't do this. Keep your eyes open, okay. Just for a little while longer. The medic is on his way. He'll help you...”

“Just want to sleep...”

Jensen wasn't even sure why he was pleading with Jared. If he closed his eyes now and gave in to that overpowering feeling of sleepiness there was nothing Jared could do about it. But there was so much worry in the younger man's voice and that nagging feeling somewhere deep down in Jensen's mind that he had to listen because it would be bad if he didn't. At least Jared tried to give him something to hold onto – the hope for some rest if he did as he was asked to.

“You can sleep all you want once we make sure you're okay.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”


	29. What friends are for

Jared had been blabbing on and on about nothing and Jensen had been listening, blinking, trying to keep his friend's face in focus, keeping his promise to stay awake and being unable to actually understand and comprehend a single thing Jared was telling him. It was becoming harder and harder to force himself to stay awake. He felt woozy and Jared's constant stream of words did nothing to help the dizziness, but Jensen had promised to try. He had no idea how long Jared had been here with him. All sense of time was lost on him.

There was movement and sound at the door to his trailer but Jensen couldn't focus on the new people that had entered and were invading his privacy. Jared had stepped away from his position next to the couch, probably to go talk to the newcomers. But Jensen was unable to listen in on the conversation over the rushing sound of his own blood in his ears. He blinked the group of people into focus and identified them as Jared, their director and their on set medic. Whatever they were talking about, Jensen was pretty sure it had something to do with him.

“We came as quickly as we could. What's wrong with him.”

“He was pretty out of it when I came to look for him and that hasn't gotten any better. It's not why I called you though. He's bleeding.”

“Heavily?!”

“It wouldn't stop for quite a while.”

“Where?”

“Nosebleed.”

The medic nodded matter of factly and left Jared alone with the director to check on Jensen. Jared decided it was best to give Jensen at least a semblance of privacy while their medic checked him over. He brushed passed their director gently and stepped outside, forcing the other man to follow him if he wanted to have a conversation and get some more answers from Jared. They had barely even stepped out, when the other man started to become confrontational.

„What's going on, Jared? What did you call the medic for? It's just a nosebleed...“

„No it's not. It's a symptom.“

„Symptom of what?“

Jared forced himself to take a deep breath. He was no expert, only had the knowledge from the articles and books he had read on the subject but he was pretty sure his assumptions were right. With Jensen's bad cold and the way he had barely been able to react and answer Jared's questions, he was almost sure what was wrong. Jared faced their director, hoping to convey the urgency and worry he felt right now.

„I believe it's an overdose. He took his blood thinners and the ibuprofen for the cold. It's too much, his blood is too thin. That's why he has the nosebleed and it probably isn't the only bleed there is. He needed the medic and he most definitely needs a hospital.” 

Jared had to admit he felt satisfied for the fact that their director was at a loss for words. He simply nodded and had the decency to look ashamed that he had brushed off Jensen's condition as nothing to worry about. Obviously he had a talk with the production team and they had told him about the events that had lead to their grueling work schedule... Jared didn't care though. HE anxiously waited for the medic to return with a verdict. 

It didn't take long for their medic to return to them and Jared tried his best to read in the other man's expression. He lacked the frantic urgency Jared had expected if there was any immediate danger for Jensen's well being. But he didn't look happy or content either. Apart from the fact that he wanted a definitive answer, Jared didn't like the idea of leaving Jensen on his own for too long. He wanted to be there for his friend and look out for him as soon as possible again.

“How is he?”

“There's bruising on his arms and stomach.”

“What does that mean?”

“It probably means there's blood pooling under the skin. The bruises on his arms didn't worry me – that's probably from when you tried to wake him up. But the other bruises... I think it's internal bleeding. Nothing major or life threatening but it needs to be treated and I can't do that here. I already called an ambulance. He needs to be in a hospital.”

It was not the answer Jared had hoped for and he felt a cold hard knot forming in his stomach. He believed the medic that there was no immediate danger to Jensen's health but still it sounded too serious for Jared's liking. He didn't want to leave his friend alone inside the trailer for much longer but he wanted to be sure Jensen was okay. Even if the medic seemed confident, Jared couldn't shake that nagging feeling that there had to be more they could do for Jensen. 

“Is he in danger?”

“No, I don't think so. He's awake though not very alert. But he's not in pain, he was able to answer my questions and his heart rate and breathing are okay given the circumstances.”

“Shouldn't you be staying with him? Keep him awake?”

“It's not a concussion. He doesn't have to stay awake through this. I can monitor his condition just as well while he's sleeping. And if there's one thing I know for sure it's that he needs to rest. He's exhausted, probably has been for days. He definitely looks the part.”

Accusation was sounding clearly in the medics voice and their director had the decency to actually look ashamed. Jared couldn't help but take some of the blame as well. He had known Jensen wasn't doing so good, had observed the decline with growing concern but he hadn't talked to anyone about it – neither Jensen nor anyone responsible for their daily schedule. Maybe this whole mess could have been avoided if only he had the guts to confront Jensen or anyone on the production team. But now the damage was done... Jared hid back a sigh, trying his best to convince both the medic and himself, that there had been nothing that could have been done to change the outcome of the situation. 

“I knew he wasn't doing well but he's too damn stubborn for his own good. And talking him into something he doesn't want to do wouldn't have worked. I should have tried anyway. If he was sick enough to mix his damn medication, he shouldn't have been here in the first place. He's usually very careful with the drugs...”

“He'll be okay. It's a scare, I get that, but it's not that serious.”

“Good.”

Jared focused his attention on their director who had been quiet throughout the whole conversation. Judging from the look on his face, the other man actually felt bad about how the situation had turned out, although it was barely his fault. Of course he hadn't protested against the schedule of the shoot but he hadn't had any reason to do so. But he probably had been aware that the majority of his main cast was sick. Either way he seemed eager to ease his conscience and Jared was willing to prey on that.

“I think we should call it a day. Once the news go around, people probably don't want to get back to business as usual. I certainly won't. I'll go with him, stay with him at the hospital.”

“Yes. Sure. Okay... I... I'll take care of that.”

The other man left quickly, obviously glad to have something to do and not to stay within the immediate vicinity of the sick actor. Jared focused his attention back on the medic. They had been here, talking, for at least 15 minutes and there was no sight or sound of an ambulance until now. Jared couldn't help the nervousness taking a hold of him. He took a quick look at his watch before returning his attention to the medic.

“Shouldn't that ambulance be here by now?”

“It's not exactly an emergency. They'll probably take about half an hour. “

It sounded way too long in Jared's ears but the medic had assured him that Jensen would be okay and there was no need for immediate medical attention. He didn't want to stay out here doing nothing though. Maybe their relationship had been strained over the last couple of weeks but Jensen was still his friend and he wanted to be there for him. Maybe there was something good to come out of this whole mess after all. Maybe they would finally find a way to get over that strain that had been put on their friendship. 

“I'll stay with him until they come.”

*#*#*

Jared hadn't managed an actually useful thought since the ambulance had come to take Jensen away to the hospital and now that he was sitting at his unconscious friend's bedside he realized that there were people he needed to call. Danneel didn't know about Jensen's condition and had probably tried to reach his cell at least half a dozen times. She was probably sick with worry. Then there was Jensen's family. They should know about it as well. But Jared couldn't bring himself to get up and out of the room. He didn't want to leave his friend alone. 

The uncomfortable feeling of deja vu was something Jared couldn't shake but the situation certainly wasn't as dire as it had been the last time he had rushed to a hospital to visit Jensen and be there for him. Jensen was asleep now, the sedatives he had been given for the surgery to take care of the bleeding not having worn off yet. There was no massive set of medication on an IV pole, no equipment to help him breathe and the pulse oximeter the only monitoring equipment present. 

The medical staff had assured him Jensen would wake up within the hour. They had also told him Jensen was supposed to stay the night – just to make sure that the meds he had been given to take care of the thinning of his blood took their desired effect and there was no complication from the surgery. Jensen would be back home tomorrow and back at work in about a week. All in all he had been incredibly lucky... yet again.

Jared's attention was drawn away from his thought when he caught sight of movement from the corner of his eyes. Jensen shifted in the bed, trying to find a more comfortable position and at first Jared believed his friend was still asleep. But when he looked up he realized Jensen was blinking his eyes open. He seemed confused and Jared hurried to draw Jensen's attention away from the hospital room. 

“Hey... How are you feeling?”

“Crap.”

“Yeah, I can imagine.”

Jared couldn't help but smile though there was no humor in it, only compassion. Jensen's voice was low and raspy – a clear statement to both the ordeal of the medication overdose and the still lingering cold his friend had. He watched the slightly glassed over look disappear from Jensen's eyes as his body slowly found it's way back into consciousness. The first question on the other man's mind was exactly what Jared had expected.

“What happened?”

“You took too much of your meds. Mixed them with the ibuprofen for the cold. Your blood was too thin. It caused internal bleeding.”

“How bad.”

“You had minor surgery and they gave you drugs to counter the effects. You'll be okay.”

Jensen was at a loss for words. A goddamn overdose... He had been careful with his medication, hadn't mixed, had never taken more than prescribed and now this... He had ended up in the damn hospital again... He knew he had been stubborn and the cold and the awful work schedule hadn't helped but he knew all too well that this mess could have been avoided. Jensen hid back a sigh. This was his fault – there was no denying that.

He needed to call his wife, needed to let her know he was okay. She had probably called. Jensen had no idea what time it was but from the sparse light still falling into the room it was probably late afternoon. Danneel would have expected him to call during their lunch break... She was probably sick with worry. Jensen's gaze wandered to Jared. His friend looked pale and there was a mixture of sympathy and worry in his eyes. Danneel probably wasn't the only one who was worried about him... 

Somewhere in the back of his mind a memory resurfaced. Jared at his side in his trailer on set... The memory was hazy but he remembered that Jared had come after him. He had been the one who had found Jensen in his trailer, feeling woozy and nauseous and sick. He had been the one to call the medic and he had sat and talked with him until the ambulance arrived. Even after pulling back and being rude a lot of the time throughout the last couple of weeks, Jared had stood by him... It wasn't easy for him but there was just one decent thing to do right now – apologize.

“Jared?”

“Mh?”

“I'm sorry.”


	30. For the better

The night he was supposed to stay in the hospital for observation was now over and Jensen couldn't wait to get out of there. He didn't expect anyone to pick him up but he didn't mind getting a cab and he certainly didn't mind to be alone with his thoughts of shame and embarrassment. He knew he had been stubborn, had not been willing to give in to the warning signals his body had given him and just take the time off he needed to heal. Now he was suffering the consequences and he knew he was lucky he was both okay and going home again.

Jared had been worried about him – nothing else. And the phone call to Danneel to tell her what had happened had been okay. Of course she had been angry with him that he hadn't called or had anyone else call her sooner. She had been worried sick about him but she didn't judge or blame him for what he had done. There was only sympathy and worry and love. She had even offered to pack some stuff and come up to Vancouver with JJ to visit him. 

Jensen had expected a different reaction. He had expected people to be angry with him, to call him selfish and unprofessional and reckless. He had expected anger and accusation. None of that had happened. People had been nice and understanding and Jensen questioned their reaction because – being completely honest with himself he had barely been anything else but withdrawn and even rude to them. 

He was grateful for the support but couldn't shake that feeling of suspicion. He didn't feel he deserved any of it. But he was angry and ashamed enough with himself. He probably didn't need anyone else to remind him how stupid and careless he had been with the medication he had taken. This whole thing could have been way worse if the people around him hadn't kept an eye on him... 

He pushed the thoughts aside, trying to focus on the here and now. He had already signed the discharge papers and the medical staff probably waited for him to vacate the room he had stayed in over night. He was dressed and ready to go, armed with a new set of meds, an extended sick leave for the rest of the week and a stern warning to be very careful with both his meds and any kind of bruising or cuts for the next couple of days. He had also been forcefully reminded to see his cardiologist on his earliest convenience. 

He knew he wasn't back to a hundred percent and the on duty doctor had tried to talk him into staying another night. His blood work wasn't completely back to normal, his blood still a little too thin and cuts or bruises would probably turn into a major thing. But he certainly wouldn't make the same mistake twice. He planned on an extended stay on the couch, doing nothing but recuperating. There was no risk for injury with that. 

All he had to do now was to actually leave. There was barely anything he needed to pack. Their medic on call had called the ambulance and they had rushed him here. He hadn't even had as much as a tooth brush on him. Jared had brought some stuff from his trailer – some toiletries, his cell phone and his keys... Maybe the young woman at the nurses station would call him a cab and then he would go straight home, call his wife, talk to her, talk to his little girl and decide on some crap movie to watch before he settled in for the rest of the day. His planning was cut short when the door to his room opened and he looked up into a familiar face he had not expected to see again so soon.

“Jared, hey...”

“I came to pick you up.”

“That's... I didn't expect anyone to show up.”

Jensen was aware that he sounded like an idiot but he was genuinely surprised that Jared had showed up again. There was a foggy memory of talking to Jared last night, apologizing to him. But the younger man had left quickly afterwards and he hadn't indicated he would be back here this morning. Jared reacted to the questioning, surprised look on Jensen's face with a smile and a shrug. Obviously he hadn't said anything about coming back because it had been a matter of course for him. His answer was just as simple as his reaction. 

“I'm your friend Jensen.”

“”But I haven't been. Not a good one at least. Not in a while.”

Jensen's honesty surprised Jared. His friend had apologized to him last night but he had still been effected by the sedatives and the overall weakness of the medication overdose and Jared had pretty much expected the same withdrawn and cold way to be treated this morning. But something had changed, the events of yesterday seemed to have shaken Jensen out of his stupor and Jared was more than glad about that. It made it so much easier to be conciliatory.

“Friendship isn't just about the good days. You went through a though time, our work schedule is crazy and maybe we pushed a little too hard. It's okay to be angry with us... That's what friends are for as well.”

“You have a strange sense of friendship.”

“Well lucky you.”

Jensen mirrored his grin and Jared felt the urge to pull his friend into a bone crushing hug. Whatever it was that had changed Jared was happy and grateful it had happened. He couldn't put his finger on what exactly it was, but he assumed the health scare had helped Jensen to set his priorities straight. It seemed the Jensen he knew had finally found a way out of that shell of a man that had first returned to work after the summer break. They both had needed a drastic situation to return to finally feeling better and up to both the work and the camaraderie again. 

“Come on, I parked outside. We should go. I'll take you home.”

They walked down the corridor and out of the hospital in silence but it was a different kind of silence than it had been in a while. They were both comfortable with it, feeling no pressure or strain towards each other. Jensen seemed lost in though and Jared didn't pry. If he knew one thing all too clearly it was that Jensen would tell him what was on his mind in his own time. They were a couple of minutes into the drive when Jensen finally seemed to return from his thoughts and broke the silence. The suggestion came as a surprise for Jared but he eagerly went for it. It would be the first time in months after all... 

“How about we go out for dinner tonight? Mexican? My treat?”

“Sounds great.”

“We should take Misha as well. Do you mind?”

“No of course not. But... Misha's not a big fan of Mexican food.”

“I know.”

For a second Jared actually believed he was imagining things but there was truly a mischievous grin on Jensen's face and a spark of the same sentiment in his eyes. Jared tried his hardest to remember when he had last seen Jensen smile – a true, genuine smile. He couldn't remember... He hadn't been this happy to spend time with his friend in a while and maybe that was the reason why his instinct told him not to push Jensen too much and maybe give him some space and more time to recuperate. It wasn't like he hadn't cared before but right now Jensen made it so much easier for him.

“Are you sure you feel up to it? I mean you just had surgery...”

“It was noninvasive, Jared. They wouldn't have allowed me to go home if I wasn't okay.”

“EVERY surgery is invasive. That's what surgery's for. But I guess you're right about the going home part...”

Jared wasn't a hundred percent convinced because he was sure the doctors had also told Jensen to take it easy and take his time to recuperate. After all he was still on sick leave. But he felt no need to argue with Jensen – not after things finally seemed to return to normal. His friend was grown up and he could decided on his own. And maybe it was better he would be with him and Misha where they could keep an eye on him than alone at his apartment. Jensen's voice brought Jared back to the situation at hand – his friend was already in planning mode for the evening.

“Eight sound okay?”

“I'll pick up Misha and we'll come get you?”

“Sounds good. I'll make a reservation.”

*#*#*

Jared was late and Jensen assumed it was Misha's fault. The other man probably had been happy and excited about the invitation until he had heard where they were going. He most definitely had started stalling then. It was ten past eight now but Jensen didn't really mind. He had made a reservation for half past eight and they still had enough time for that. He was just about to pick up his cell phone and call Danneel again when the door bell rang. He smiled, let the phone disappear in the pocket of his jeans and went to open the door. He would call his wife again later. 

Jensen was surprised to find Misha standing in front of his door all alone. He could see Jared parked down at the street at the end of the small driveway. He was actually grinning and waving when he became aware of Jensen's presence. Jensen refrained from waving back. It felt a bit childish to him and it would have been kind of rude towards Misha to simply ignore him. Misha didn't give him much of a chance to be ignored anyway. Because his being here hadn't been about trying to talk Jensen out of going to the Mexican restaurant at all. He was simply concerned about a friend. 

“You look a lot better.”

“A little surgery and a lot of drugs will do that to you. You still look like crap though.”

“Thanks a lot.”

Jensen shrugged and grinned, motioning to Misha to lead the way back to the car. They walked side by side in silence but it wasn't that uncomfortable kind of silence they had gotten used to over the last couple of weeks. They reached the car and had barely settled and Jared had just started the car up again when Jensen turned around to face Misha to add something to his nonverbal response just a minute ago. 

“I didn't mean it like that. You're still sick though? Cold hasn't gotten better?”

Misha and Jared shared a quick look in the mirror both of them surprised by the massive change in Jensen's behavior. Neither one of them questioned the change though. They simply appreciated the fact. Misha needed a moment to refocus on Jensen's question. It was a bit sad maybe but he truly wasn't used to Jensen being alert and responsive to his friends needs. Not within the last couple of weeks anyway. Which made him so much happier to actually be able to answer a concerned question from his friend. 

“Not a lot. Which is why Mexican food isn't that much of a prank. I can barely taste anything anyway.”

“Spicy is exactly what you need then. Might help with the congestion.”

“Yeah sure. No mischief in your decision whatsoever.”

“Of course not.”

Jensen grinned and tried his best to look completely innocent. Of course bot Misha and Jared knew there was no innocence to his response. Especially Jared was aware that Jensen had invited Misha to come with them to the Mexican restaurant on purpose. But both of the were simply glad that Jensen was finally acting like the man they had known before the whole illness and hospital stay. The drive to the restaurant took them another 15 minutes which meant they were still on time when they arrived.

They were welcomed politely and seated at a table almost immediately. Jensen grinned openly when Misha received his menu and pulled a face upon reading his choices. Jensen shared a look with Jared, winking at him and Jared felt a warmth flooding through his heart that he hadn't felt in quite a while. This was just like old times. They placed their orders – Misha taking the longest of course – and once they had done so, Misha tried to forget about the dinner forced on him by engaging in a conversation. 

“When will you be back, Jensen.”

“Next week.. And I sure hope they learned something from this.”

“They already changed our work schedule. We'll be back to normal by the time you come back on set.”

“At least one good thing out of this whole mess.”

They switched topics quite a lot – talking about work, about their families and about their summer breaks. Misha even liked the food he had decided on and they agreed on having one beer each, Jensen allowing himself a one time only exception. Jared couldn't help but feel worried about it because Jensen had just been released from the hospital. But he didn't want to ruin the moment and as long as Jensen seemed healthy and happy, Jared was willing to go along with it. 

They spent almost four hours at the hospital and it was a little past midnight when they finally broke up their gathering. It had been a mellow affair and a very nice evening for all three of them. They left when it was the restaurant's closing time, breaking up their evening reluctantly and dropped Misha off at his apartment first. After that it was only Jared and Jensen in the car and Jared used that fact to do something he had planned on doing for the entire evening but hadn't had taken the chance to do with Misha still around. For him this was something private, something intimate – something meant only for Jensen to hear and he still had trouble forming the words. 

“Jensen?”

“Mh?”

“I'm glad you're okay. I was worried about you...”

“Thanks Jared. If you hadn't been that perceptive... You probably saved my life.”

“That sounds highly over dramatic.”

“Maybe. Thanks anyway.”

“You're very welcome.”


	31. Help from an unexpected source

It was his first day back on the set after the hospital stay and the extended sick leave the doctors had asked him to abide by. This time Jensen had decided to start things differently. He had happily accepted the little party the team had organized for him. It was a mellow affair and the overall friendliness and sympathies that had been awarded to him had taken away any negative feeling of doubt or nervousness about returning to work.

He had allowed Misha to talk him into having a glass of wine and some cake and he admittedly felt a tiny bit tipsy. It didn't matter much though. They wouldn't start shooting for another hour and it was a light first workday back for him. Misha had been right when he had told him the production team had rearranged their schedule. They probably weren't happy about it but they had finally realized that pushing the actors and the team to the edge of their capacity just wouldn't work.

Jensen had excused himself a couple of minutes ago to return to his trailer and take a nap for about half an hour. The wine made him feel lightheaded and after almost a week at home on his couch without doing much of anything, he wasn't used to all the commotion around him. A little time to rest was exactly what he needed right now. He reached his trailer and was about to step inside when he heard hurried footsteps behind him. He didn't want to but knew it would be rude not to turn around. He was surprised when he saw the young woman approaching him. 

„Jodie? What are you doing here?“

„I came to talk to you, if that's okay.“

„Of course it is. Is there anything I can help you with?“

„No. Actually I hope there is something I can help you with.“

Jensen didn't understand. He knew Jodie, she was part of the team since the second year. And even though she was a hard working, integral part of their production, he had never really gotten to know her that well. As they were a rather familiar troupe, and worked on a first name basis, he had to admit he didn't even know her last name. They had never talked much, hadn't had a reason to and he was curious as to what she wanted from him or wanted to help him with for that matter. 

She seemed somewhat uncomfortable and Jensen hoped it wasn't because of some sort of abrasive posture that he wasn't even aware of. He had sworn to himself not to do that to the cast and crew again. However it wasn't anything he was doing that had Jodie at a loss for words. He realized as soon as she finally told him what she had come here for. It was the intimacy of the information she had for him that made it hard to talk or even look at him.

„My every day life works on a pacemaker. Did you know that?“

„No, I... I had no idea...“

„It's a congenital heart deficiency. I had to live on medication and a very strict regime of not doing much of anything until I was sixteen. It wasn't enough for a new heart but they had to wait until I was all grown up before they could do the surgery. That was 15 years ago. It'll need to be replaced sometime soon.“

She had finally looked up to face him and the words were coming easier now. Jensen however wasn't sure what to think, how to react. He hadn't expected Jodie to come talk to him and he certainly hadn't expected her to tell him something as personal as this. He was aware that she only told him these things because they shared the same kind of illness. Maybe she felt some sort of relation to him because of that. He didn't mean to be abrasive but he still didn't get her motivation.

„Why are you telling me all this?“

„Even if it sounds condescending – because I know exactly what you're going through. My illness doesn't define me. The surgery I needed and the device inside my body helping me in my every day life don't define me. It's not about being sick. It's about being happy anyway. And I know it's easy for me to say because I've had this all my life and I knew what to expect. But it doesn't change the general idea. I don't know you very well and maybe I have no right to give you any advice, but I'll just do it anyway. Stop worrying about something that is behind you and focus on what's ahead of you. Just... be happy. You're lucky to be here. We both are.“

She looked nervous now which made it a lot easier for Jensen to decide how to react. She had taken a big risk coming up to him and talking to him as freely as she did. She had clearly told him she didn't mean to intrude or try to tell him what to do. She truly had no right for that. But Jensen had only talked to family, friends and doctors. He had never talked to somebody with the same kind of illness before. He wasn't even sure why this was different but that was the way it felt. 

Even though he barely knew Jodie and couldn't trust her to keep this to herself because he didn't have enough of an idea what kind of a person she was, he still felt he could tell her things, he couldn't tell his wife or his friends. Because telling them these things, they would sympathize, they would show worry and concern but they would never understand. Jodie on the other hand knew exactly what he was feeling because she had gone through the same things. With her he wouldn't have to explain and the chance for that was too tempting to let it pass by unused.

„It's hard.“

„I know.“

„I can't trust myself any more. Not with anything. This whole thing... it left me questioning every single heartbeat. If it's okay, if the rhythm is off, if it's too fast, too slow and I can't stop obsessing about it. And that's just when I'm relaxed, at home or in bed. It's ten times worse when we're working, when they need me to be up and about for twelve hours straight on little sleep, a bad meal and too much coffee.“

„You won't have days like this anymore.“

She was smiling now and Jensen had to admit that she was right. His schedule had returned to normal and he was grateful for that. Not just because it was easier to work like this but because he was less afraid of his own body betraying him. Still the feeling would never completely disappear no matter how hard he tried to push it away or occupy himself with something else so he didn't have to think about it. He shrugged, trying to keep the desperation from creeping into his voice. 

„That doesn't make it better. I know they 'll pull out all the stops for me now that this has happened. We'll start later, wrap up earlier and I'll get time for a decent meal and to do my exercises and whatever else I need to stay on track, but still...“

„It's normal. The constant second guessing, the worries, the insomnia. The first few weeks after my surgery, I was too scared that the damn thing would fail or switch itself to a higher or lower pace that I couldn't sleep.“

„What did you do?“

Jensen was anxious for the answer to her question which was probably why it felt like an eternity until Jodie finally graced him with an answer. She took her time though – it was not just Jensen's imagination. This was a tough question to answer and it was the main reason Jodie had come here in the first place. She chose her words carefully, hoping she would hit the right tone that would leave Jensen actually open to the idea. 

„You probably don't wanna hear this but my cardiologist referred me to a therapist. I still see her sometimes, have had a couple of appointments these last few weeks because of the upcoming replacement surgery. She's very dedicated, patient, caring and really nice. I can give you her number if you want me to, maybe tell her about you a little?“

„I don't think that would be a good idea.“

„I wouldn't be indiscreet. I'd simply tell her about your heart thing and the surgery and only if you want me to. But believe me – she can help.“

Jodie sounded genuine and she seemed to really care that he did this or at least gave it a try. Jensen was about to say no when Jared's' words from way back right after he had first gotten out of the ICU echoed in his head. His friend had accused him of being unable to accept other people's help, trying to fight through his condition and the aftereffects all alone. And he had been right. It was his fault he had ended up in the hospital again. If he had let his friends help, he never would have mixed up his medication. They would have kept an eye on him.

Jared's words were not the only thing Jensen remembered. In his mind a discussion with Danneel replayed. She had talked to his cardiologist about two weeks before he was supposed to return to the set without telling him about it. She had tried to get him to agree to seeing a psychologist because of his sleeping problems. He had told her off in very clear and pretty harsh words. But now things were different. He felt different. Maybe Jodie was right. Maybe it was time for some help of the professional kind.

„You can tell her. And I will call. I promise.“

*#*#*

It was another week before Jensen actually worked up to the point that he had the nerve to call the doctor's office. He wasn't sure what to expect. Usually – when he called his cardiologist which was the only other specialist he had contact with – he got a very professional assistant on the phone who had no idea who he was no matter how many times he had called before and who put him down for an appointment without asking how he was or if there was anything in particular that troubled him and made him want to have the appointment. He had expected the very same thing from this call. And he was wrong. It started with the first introduction already, because unlike all the other assistants this women actually volunteered her first name to him. 

“This is Linda from Dr. River's office. How can I help you?”

“I... I'm not sure, actually. A colleague of mine referred me to your office. Her name's Jodie Michaels...”

“Ah yes, I see. Dr. Rivers told us there might be a call from one of Jodie's colleagues from work. I'll transfer you. Just a moment.”

Jensen didn't get a chance to respond but even if there would have been time, he wouldn't have had any idea what to say. He had expected an appointment. Talking to the doctor one on one without ever having been to her office had not been part of his imaginary plan of how this phone call was supposed to go. His thoughts were cut short when there was a friendly, warm female voice at the other end of the line.

“This is Dr. Rivers. It's good to hear from you. Jodie told me about you, though she didn't go into detail. I'm glad you gave it a chance.”

“I... erm... I'm not really good at this.”

“Of course not. If you were you wouldn't need my help, would you?”

“I guess not.”

Jensen couldn't help but feel stupid about the whole way this conversation was going. The therapist – even though she didn't know him at all – was very nice and understanding towards him while he was making a complete fool of himself. He had no mirror to check but he was almost sure he was blushing. As if she had actually reached into his mind and read his thoughts, Dr. Rivers found exactly the right words to reassure him. 

“There's no need to worry and there certainly is no need to feel uncomfortable. We can talk on the phone for now if you feel better about it though I would have to put you off to another time. I'm in between appointments right now. Or you could come by my office.”

“Don't you even want to know my name?”

“Only for insurance purposes. As I said- I won't ask anything of you that you don't feel comfortable with. That includes any personal information. As long as the bills are paid you can keep to yourself whatever you like.”

Jensen took a breath, tried to form a response, took another breath and had to try again. This doctor was unlike any other he had met before. She took a lot on trust and faith and she did so without ever having met him in person. Jensen immediately felt in good hands with this woman and he was sure he could trust her. It was a gut feeling and it made his final decision so much easier... 

“This is not what I expected.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“No... Actually... I think I would like to come by your office.”


	32. A special appointment

*A month and a half later*

It was only another week until their winter break was coming up and they all would go back home to friends and family for Christmas and New Year and Jensen had asked Danneel to come visit him in Vancouver and stay for that last week of shooting. It wasn't just because he wanted her around. There was more to his agenda. Which was why he had used today – a day both he and Jared were not needed at the set and had the whole day off – that he had invited his wife and friend for breakfast. 

He had taken them out and he had chosen the cafe they went to on purpose. After seeing Dr. Rivers on a regular basis for quite some time now, he had finally worked up the nerve to tell the people he cared about that he was seeing the therapist. Dr. Rivers had suggested it and Jensen had taken quite a while to think it over. Now that he was ready for it, today seemed as good a day as any. Which was why he did not lead his wife and friend back to the car after breakfast but further down the street, explaining where they went in a few short words. 

„I want you two to join me for something today.“

„You're being cryptic on purpose?“

„Yes. Now come on, we'll be late.“

Jensen lead them down the street and into one of the buildings. The sign next to the door told them that there were a couple of doctors residing inside and Danneel felt a sharp twist in her stomach. Why would Jensen take them with him to see a doctor? This couldn't be good. When they reached the elevator taking them up to the fourth floor, she wished she had actually taken a closer look to the sign outside to know where they were going. They reached the right floor and entered into the corridor, when Danneel couldn't keep her worries to herself any more.

„What is this place.“

„It's a doctor's office.“

„What kind of doctor? Are you okay? Is there some problem with the bypass, with the scar?“

„Don't worry, okay. I'm... fine – or at least I'm on my way to get there. Just come in with me.“

Jensen didn't volunteer any further information but lead them down the corridor to a plain white door. There seemed to be no further business sign attached on or next to it, which seemed strange to Danneel. When they entered it looked like any other doctor's office though. A reception, a smiling receptionist, a waiting area and a couple of unmarked doors leading into different rooms. Jensen approached the counter, smiling at the receptionist.

„Morning, Linda.“

„Jensen, you're early. And you brought your family. That's great. Now Dr. Rivers had a cancellation in her schedule. You can go in right away if you like.“

The receptionist - Linda made an inviting gesture towards the door at the far end of the small corridor that leas away from the entrance area. Jensen smiled again, nodded and followed the outstretched hand down the corridor. Danneel shared a curious look with Jared but they followed without any further question. The door to the room in the back was ajar and when they stepped in they found themselves standing in a friendly looking room, with a desk, a couple of chairs, a sitting area in the middle of the room and another couch at the far back. The woman sitting behind the desk was about Jensen's age, looked up and then got up when she detected them. 

„Dr. Rivers?“

„Jensen! I hadn't expected to see you for at least another half hour. I see you brought me some visitors.“

„My wife Danneel and my friend Jared.“

Jensen introduced them and they both shook hands with the woman they had never met before. They received a genuine smile and a warm hand in greeting. Neither of them had any idea what exactly they were doing here or what kind of a doctor this woman was. Given the fact that there was no stretcher or any kind of medical equipment in the office, Danneel highly doubted that Dr. Rivers was a cardiologist. It put her mind somewhat at ease but she still wanted an answer as to what they were doing here. However Dr. Rivers didn't address them but Jensen first. 

„So I take it my idea wasn't as stupid and insane as you initially thought?“

„I gave it a once over.“

„I'm glad to hear it. Why don't you all come inside, sit down. I'll have Linda bring us some coffee.“

They had to squeeze a little but they managed to settle on the couch that was part of the sitting area in the middle of the room. Jared was still quite and seemed occupied with taking in what was going on around him. But Danneel couldn't take the uncertainty any longer. If Dr. Rivers wasn't willing to let her know who exactly she was, there was one other person she could ask and she did just that, facing Jensen with a stern look. Dr. Rivers jumped right into their conversation, trying to be helpful but Jensen shook his head, focusing on his wife.

„Hon, what's going on here?“

„Do you want me to explain, Jensen?“

„No that's okay. Danneel, Jared, Dr. Rivers is a therapist. My therapist to be exact. I've been seeing her on a weekly basis, sometimes twice a week for the past three months. I... I didn't want anyone to know about it but Dr. Rivers made me see that it was a good idea to let you guys in on my little secret, so... here we are.“

„A therapist?“

„That's right. She was pointed out to me by someone on set and I was really reluctant at first, but she's been a great help over the last couple of weeks.“

Jensen took his time to chose his words, carefully mapping out what he wanted to tell his wife and friend. But even though Danneel could tell by the tone of his voice how hard it was for Jensen to give up the information about this therapy he had started and he hadn't had the slightest idea about, she couldn't help the slight anger that was bubbling up... Or maybe it wasn't exactly anger she felt – it was rather a smidge of disappointment that Jensen hadn't been able to trust her to tell her about this sooner. 

„Why? Why would a stranger be able to help you where we couldn't?! No offense doctor.“

„None taken. And maybe I can answer that question to you. In situation like yours it's that closeness between friends and family that sometimes makes things more complicated. There are feelings getting in your way and being objective is nearly impossible. I might be a stranger but that gives me the unique opportunity to look at everything from a different perspective and provide new angles, a different view and a more objective perspective.  
I'm also no stranger to Jensen's situation. I specialize in cases like his – people with chronic illnesses, organ replacements, medical devices to help them through their every day life. I crushed my sternum in a car accident 12 years ago and had to initially undergo massive surgery before they found a replacement organ for me. And the insight that experience gives me is something else friends and family can rarely supply.“

„We've talked a lot. About the morning of the heart attack, the surgery, the post operative complications, the recovery and trying to fit back into a normal every day life. Dr. Rivers has given me a lot of perspective on things and she helps me to deal with the emotional trouble that comes with the territory. She wanted me to let you know about all of that and I think today is as good a day as any, so I wanted you to sit in on our therapy session today. No more secrets, no more hiding. I want you to know exactly what it is I'm going through and I want you to have a chance to talk about your feelings as well. Things have been tough for me but I know they haven't exactly been easy for you guys either.“

“Okay... So... what are we supposed to do?”

Dr. Rivers gave them a smile and pointed towards the couch in the back of the room. Before she had a chance to tell them what was expected of them, the receptionist came in with a pot of coffee and four cups. She put the whole set down on the table, offering each of them a cup. Once they had their steaming mugs in hands and Linda had disappeared, Dr. Rivers pointed to the second couch in the back.

“For now I would like for you to just sit in an listen. I know you will have questions or things you want to say. But I want you to wait with those until Jensen and I are done talking. Is that okay for you?”

“I guess so?”

“Good. Why don't you take a seat right there on the couch.”

The couch was at the far end of the small room and a good seven feet away from the comfortable sitting area that dominated the room in front of the doctors desk that was most definitely meant for the therapy sessions. Danneel realized that Jensen would have his back on them while sitting with the doctor and Dr. Rivers would have an eye on both Jensen's and their reactions. It was actually quite clever but still she couldn't bring herself to like this situation that had been dumped in her lap. The simple truth remained that her husband hadn't been honest with her. He had kept these visits a secret and he had done so for months now. She didn't like it and she sure as hell wouldn't embrace this impossible situation just like that. But Dr. Rivers had told her not to argue, not to comment or to ask questions. It was hard but she was actually curious to hear what Jensen had to say for himself. Maybe it would help her calm her swirling emotions down and look at this with a sense of something other than betrayal.

“Should we start?”

*#*#*#*

“Last week we talked about your nightmares. Has that gotten any better?”

“No, not really.”

“Did you take any of the sleeping pills.”

“No. I... I didn't dare. I talked to the cardiologists office and he said the drugs in the pills might decrease heart function.”

“You didn't want to take the chance?”

“No.”

“An unhealthy sleeping pattern is bad for your stress levels though. That's just as bad for your heart.”

“That's what the cardiologist said. He offered a herbal solution. But as we tried that already...”

“So how did you sleep throughout the week.”

“Not well. I was worried about taking my family to see you on top of everything else and I kept replaying those worst case scenarios in my head... Both about today and about the check-up.”

“Now that they're here, do you think sleep will come easier to you?”

“I don't know. Maybe a little. There's still the check-up though. I'm worried about that and I will be until it's over and done with.”

“Last time you told me you were nervous.”

“It's gotten worse I guess.”

“Why?”

“I... I had more time to look into the specifics. The doctor's office gave me some information on the procedure and it's... daunting.”

“I've been through these check-ups. I know they take a whole day and all that poking and prodding is uncomfortable. Daunting however is not a word I would have associated with it. What made you say that?”

“It's smooth sailing mostly, I guess. The blood test, the EKG, those I can deal with. But they'll do a stress level EKG and an angiography for the coronary arteries and that stuff... It's risky.”

“You'll be in a hospital. There'll be nurses and doctors and you'll be monitored throughout each one of those procedures.”

“I know that. But what's all that medical extravaganza gonna be good for if there's some problem? A heart attack is a heart attack and any further damage will only make my condition worse.”

“You told me you read all the information.”

“Yeah.”

“Which also means you're aware that the risk of complications is below 5 percent.”

“It's still there.”

“It would be riskier to cross the street outside my office.”

“That's semantics, doc. It's not my walking ability that's compromised, it's my heart.”

“That must be the first time in at least two months I've heard you say that.”

“But we talk about this every time...”

“Yes, we do. And when you first came here calling your heart sick, inadequate or compromised, your condition a disease, a handicap even, that's what you did then. You've found more positive ways to phrase your situation since then. What made you revert back to that?”

“I don't know.”

“Jensen...”

“I'm more aware of it now than I usually am, I guess. Everything I can think of is that damn check-up.”

“Are you afraid they might find some sort of complication.”

The silence drew out longer and longer and when Jensen finally formed an answer, he didn't look at the therapist. He didn't dare to face her and he should have known better than that. Dr. Rivers was patient and friendly but she was a therapist and it was her job to know when people were not expressing what they actually felt but tried to deflect which was exactly what Jensen had tried to do. She was still warm towards him but there was a stern tone to her voice just like a mother scolding a child who knew exactly what it had done wrong.

“No.”

“You know the rules, Jensen. No lies, no deflections.”

“Maybe. I don't know. I mean after everything that has happened, with the busted stitches and the bleed from the medication mix up, the long hours and my... attitude problems. It wouldn't exactly be a surprise. This whole bypass is only a temporary solution anyway.”

“Did you talk to your cardiologist about your worries?”

“No. I don't think he would understand. He would just brush it off as an irrational fear.”

“Actually he did just that.”

“You talked to him?”

“I consulted with him. I didn't tell him anything about our sessions. I'm not allowed to and you know that. But I asked him about his risk assessment. Do you want to hear it.”

Jensen crossed his arms in front of his chest and Danneel could practically feel the defiance radiating off of him. She felt like she was sitting on a hot plate and she had to physically force herself to stay rooted on her spot on the couch. Everything inside her screamed to come to Jensen's aid but she had promised to listen and keep quite. She intently watched her husband who was all rejection and betrayal now, his voice dripping with a barely controlled anger towards the doctor's arbitrary act.

“Go ahead then.”

“I talked to him about the two hospitalizations and your overall living situation. He told me that both the complications from the broken stitches and the overdose of blood thinners were minor and had no long term effects that he was aware of. He also said that in an overview of all the patients he's treating, you're a top a very small list of patients who actually stick to their schedules. You take your meds, you do your exercises, you're very committed to your diet and you keep all of your appointments. There's no decrease in heart function, no blood work that has been in any way worrying – apart from that one test a couple of days after your third stint in the hospital. In his professional opinion there is no reason for any worries whatsoever about that check-up you have coming up.”

“I know. He told me.”

“Then why don't you believe him? He's a medical professional.”

“But it's my body. My heart... And it just feels... wrong.”

“Wrong how? Is there any pain, shortness of breath, dizziness?”

“Not really. But it just feels like it's going too fast or too slow or in the wrong rhythm. I don't really know how to describe it.”

“When does this happen.”

“It's okay as long as I'm busy with something. But when I have time to think about it. Especially at night...”

“You mean those nights you can't sleep through.”

“Yeah.”

“I would like to try something. Do you feel up to that?”

“Depends.”

“It's nothing strenuous, I promise. I want you to lie back down on the couch and close your eyes, focus on your breathing, try and relax. Can you do that for me?”

There was a silence that seemed to stretch and stretch and Danneel tried to keep her own thoughts at bay by focusing on Jensen's breathing. It sounded even at first but it didn't stay like that for long. His breathing sounded uneven after only a short while of lying down and there was no real reason for it. He was in a relaxed position after all. When his breathing quickened and his whole posture stiffened, Dr. Rivers' voice – barely more than a soothing whisper - broke through the silence.

“Is it happening now.”

“Yeah.”

Jensen sounded breathless and Danneel was ready to jump from her seat and go to him, take his hand in hers and try to comfort him - her earlier promise to stay and not interfere be damned . Dr. Rivers however gave her a warning glance and a small shake of her head, indicating for Danneel to stay right where she was. Her attention focused back on Jensen almost immediately, her voice calm and reassuring.

“Just relax, Jensen. Okay? Tell me what you're thinking about.”

“Next week. The appointment. The check-up...”

“Alright. Try to take a deep breath, open your eyes and sit back up as soon as you feel up to it.”

“What's wrong with me?”

“There's nothing wrong with you. Not physically. It's your own fears and worries that are getting in the way. It's not exactly the classic display of a panic attack but if you'd ask me to describe what just happened there, this is what it got close to. Your entire thought process is fixated on next week and everything that could go wrong. Those negative thoughts have an effect on your stress levels which makes you feel uncomfortable, which makes the thoughts even worse, which adds more to the stress and the feeling of tightness in your chest.”

“Are you meaning to tell me it's all in my head?!”

“That's exactly what I'm telling you.”

“Great...”

“Actually it is a good thing. Because your thoughts and feelings, those are things you can do something about.”

“Like you taught me when I first came?”

“I'm glad you still remember that. Exactly. I need you to focus on something other than this appointment. Keep your thoughts on something positive and off next weeks check-up. Try those breathing techniques again and maybe you should give those herbal tranquilizers another chance.”

“And that's it?”

“That's it.”


	33. Epilogue

There was silence in the doctor's office for a long moment and Danneel couldn't really account for her feelings. She wasn't sure if she felt relief because Jensen – even though it had been with the help of this therapist and with his back turned on her – had finally opened up to her or dread because now she knew the truth and she feared the moment she would look into her husbands' eyes and realize that things between them had somehow changed.

Her fears – if there ever were any – were unnecessary though. When Jensen turned halfway around on the couch to face her there was the same warmth and care in his eyes. He looked slightly uncertain, obviously battling down the same irrational fear that doing this had changed things between him and her or between him and Jared. If that was the case – and Danneel still wasn't sure of her feelings about this – it was for the better. Jensen smiled a small, nervous smile, his gaze wandering back and forth between Danneel and Jared. 

“Are you guys okay?”

“Are we okay?!”

“Yeah. I know this was a lot to take in and a lot of trust asked from you.”

Danneel nodded but she did so with a smile. She didn't mind that Jensen had kept this a secret and she certainly didn't mind the trust that had been asked of her. She was glad he had invited her to sit in on this and had shared his feelings with them. She finally did what she had wanted to do a couple of times throughout the conversation, got up, went to him and put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. She had needed the physical contact to underline her words. 

“I'm glad you shared this. And I get why you couldn't talk to us about it. I... I wouldn't have known how to help you. Or at least I would have chosen the wrong path.”

“There rarely is any right or wrong with this kind of therapy. There's mostly experience and just a tiny bit of gut feeling.”

Dr. Rivers chimed in, a smile on her face. She was different from what Danneel would have expected from a therapist but maybe that had been exactly what Jensen had needed. He had been reluctant, even aggressive when she had first suggested the very same idea to him a couple of months back. Now he was seeing a therapist and he was doing so voluntarily. The lob sided smile he returned to his doctor, told Danneel all she had to know. Jensen liked Dr. Rivers which was why the therapy had worked out in the first place. Jensen wouldn't have done this if he hadn't developed any trust or sympathy for this woman. 

“Thanks, doc. That makes me feel so much better.”

“You actually do feel better, don't you?”

“Yeah.”

“See. I can't be that wrong about my method of approach then.”

They all laughed though it sounded a little forced except for Dr. Rivers. It was still a tiny bit awkward to sit here and talk after everything that had just been revealed. But Jensen seemed relaxed around them and that was all Danneel could have hoped for. He gave them both a smile and turned back to face the therapist.

“Can you squeeze me in next week before the check-up?”

“I already had Linda block out some time for next Wednesday afternoon. Is that okay with you?”

“I'll work it around our schedule.”

They said their goodbyes and left the doctors office in silence. Danneel felt slightly uncomfortable about it but discussing what they had just heard and experienced out on the street seemed wrong to her. They waited for the relative intimacy of the car before they resumed their conversation, Jared being the one to get to the point almost immediately. Judging from the look on Jensen's face he was pleased that his friend's behavior towards him hadn't changed in the least. All Jared wanted was to help. 

“Is there anything we can do to make you feel better about next week?”

“I'm not sure. Just being here is helpful enough. The rest I have to do by myself. Dr. Rivers was right. That fear and the uncertainty about the check up are all in my head. Which means I have to find a way to deal with it. And you guys can help.”

“Gladly!”

*#*#*

*One week later - the day of the checkup*

It felt like deja vu all over again and Danneel couldn't help that damn nervousness that was threatening to overtake all of her senses. She was in a waiting area in a hospital again, with Jared by his side again and the younger man was trying to reassure her and calm her down – again. It was a lot like that desperate time months ago when Jensen had first been admitted to the hospital after the heart attack and she had waited for any news, hoping against hope that her husband would be okay. 

Today was a whole different situation though. She knew Jensen was okay. It was a routine check-up, he would be monitored and surrounded by a doctor and a nurse throughout the whole procedure. His blood work and EKG readings were fine, he was taking his meds, keeping to his diet and his exercise schedule. All in all there was no need to be worried but Danneel couldn't help it. Jensen had been so nervous and unsure throughout these last couple of days that it had just bled into her own feelings somehow.

It was probably why Jensen had asked both her and Jared to be here for him today even though they were not allowed to stay with him through the examination and tests. It had been an hour since the nurse had whisked Jensen away from them and it would be at least another half hour before she would have her husband back and they would have a definitive verdict on his condition. Depending on how much time his doctor took, it might even be taking longer. And Danneel was slowly going insane. While she had resumed to pacing around the waiting room, Jared was calmly sitting in the uncomfortable chair, watching her intently. 

“Maybe we should go downstairs? Have a coffee? Or a walk outside in the park on the other side of the street?”

“I don't want to leave. I want to be here when Jensen comes back.”

Jared sighed and Danneel stopped her pacing and looked at him. Maybe she was worried and lost in her own thoughts but she wasn't that self absorbed that she didn't notice there was something bothering Jared. She tried her best to keep her own nervousness at bay and put on a sympathetic tone of voice.

“What is it?”

“This feels weird...”

“I know... It's like that first time all over again...”

She was both glad and surprised he felt the same way she did because outwardly Jared seemed remarkably calm. But then again he was an actor. So was she though but her relationship with Jensen was still a lot more intimate and driven by love rather than friendship. It was a different kind of emotional setup and obviously it was the reason it was much harder for her to keep a calm posture than it was for Jared. She forced a smile, nodding in understanding.

“I was thinking the same thing. It's not though. He's so much better now...”

“What are you guys talking about?”

Danneel spun around on her heels and Jared practically jumped from his seat when they hears the sound of Jensen's voice behind them. He was smiling and he looked genuinely happy and relaxed. Danneel didn't even think but simply followed her instinct that told her exactly one thing – get as close to her husband as humanly possible. She hurried over to Jensen and practically jumped into his arms, pulling him into a hug as close as she could manage. 

“You're back.”

“Yeah, back and happy.”

“So it went well ? Did it? What did the doctor say.”

“EKG looks good, blood work is more than okay and the echo didn't reveal any clotting or problems with the arterial drafts.”

Jensen stopped his own flow of words and allowed a grin to spread on his face. 

“It's good. Everything is all good.”

 

\- End -


End file.
